Mongo Nation

Dude. Bro. Seriously. Dude. C’mon. Bro.

By BuckCherryFan420

Hey duders, so like, you may have heard that Papa Roach has a new fuckin’ album out. Or maybe you didn’t cause you were too busy jackin’ it to Lady Gaga or whatever. I don’t blame you dudes, that bitch is fucking hot bro! I’d hit it! WHOO!

But even if that’s the case, I’m telling you now… about the Papa Roach album, I mean. Not about the other thing. The thing that… Wait, now you’re confusing me, bro. YOU BETTER SHUT YOUR FUCKING PIE-HOLE BEFORE I SHUT IT FOR YOU, YOU GOT ME BROSEF?!

No, Seriously bro, I would DESTROY that chick! WHOO!

Anyway, so like, I’m really super PUMPED about the new Papa Roach, bro. Those dudes are like my favorite band after Buckcherry and Sixx A.M. Fucking rock stars bro! Those dudes are like, cool with rockers and rapper dudes too. Who I usually don’t like but sometimes they have hella good weed so I guess they’re not all bad. 420 bro! Hits from the bong! Cypress Hill type shit bro! Fuckin’ A! Except Papa Roach don’t rap on this record. But if they did, it’d be sick bro.

One thing you’ll notice when listening to “Metamorphosis” is that the name is like all scientific and shit. What the fuck is a meta mop-o-sis anyway? That’s like some real egghead shit, bro. I asked my friend Dave from Encino what it meant and he said he thinks it’s like part of a vagina or something, which I guess is pretty cool. When you’re big rockstars like Papa Raoch, the regular parts just don’t do it for you anymore, and you have to get all like, scientific on bitches to get off and shit. I can see that. That’s gonna be me in a coupla years broham! Better start taking some Human Sexualogy classes at the fucking junior college bros! Fuckin’ ALPHA!

Look out bitches! I’m gonna learn all about your meta mop-o-sis and shit!

Ok so, like, once you actually start listening to the album, there’s sort of like a problem that presents itself or whatever. Like, most of the songs are kinda wussy and stuff… I know, dudes, it sounds crazy! This is fuckin’ Papa Roach we’re talking about here! But I shit you not, dude, like every song sounds like some Bon Jovi type shit. These are dudes that used to make bitches get naked and then throw like baloney at them. Only now they are like all wussed out and shit. This bullshit sounds like fucking hardcore Christian rock or some shit. I can’t believe it bro. First the ecomin-ee collapses and I lose all of my stock in Hustler and WWE and now this shit. I could fuckin’ kill myself if I didn’t know how many bitches would be all sad and shit. I hate to make bitches sad, bro, ‘cause then they get all complainy and everyone knows how annoying as fuck that can be, dudes.

In conclusion, The older Pap Roach shit is like a burger that was hella fuckin’ good right? And then “Metamorphosis” is like a strawberry milkshake that you have for dessert for some reason and it makes you like, sick. A rock band should never be a fuckin’ strawberry milkshake dude, it just isn’t right and it like, ruins your whole meal and makes your stomach hurt like you’re gonna shit your ass out bro. Which is how Papa Roach must’ve written this record, bro, SHIT straight from their ASS bro. I hate to say this dudes but next time BRING YOUR FUCKING A GAME OR DON’T COME AT ALL BRO! Goddamnit I’m so pissed right now I could jump right through the screen and fucking punch you right in the dick, bro. I’m gonna go wail on my bis and tris and slap myself with a wet towel until I chill out, man. So consider yourself lucky THIS TIME!

Rating: 4 out of 10 Buckcherrys
+2 if you like having your face reconstructed by my fist bro. Don’t change my ratings.
-2 if you WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST TELL YOU BRO?! Do not fuck with my ratings dude, I’m fucking serious bro.

A new form of music distribution is born.

By Jeremy Azevedo

I think we can all agree that the CD is pretty much dead as a medium for music distribution at this point. Digital distribution is looking more and more like the way of the future, but are people really willing to accept a distribution model with no physical copy attached to it?

There’s still a large untapped market of people that are unwilling or unable to download music for free, and so far the best attempt by the music industry to capitalize on this sector has been to sell music on iTunes and similar download services. Download services that are overpriced and up to their ass in DRM. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the acronym “DRM”, it stands for “Digital Rights Management” and what it does is limits you to how and where you can use the songs that you just paid perfectly good money for. Clearly, DRM is not in the best interest of the consumer.

Surprisingly, one of the best solutions to this problem has come not from the music industry, or from Apple, or Microsoft, or anyone that you would expect… SanDisk, a company best known for manufacturing storage devices and memory cards has forged an alliance with Billboard, Universal, Sony, BMG, Warner, EMI and others to produce a new music format to be distributed on SanDisk’s own Micro SD cards. The Micro SD cards are remarkable in that they are the smallest, cheapest, highest capacity memory cards on the market at the moment. Beginning in October of last year, SanDisk been selling albums on Micro SD cards (known as “SlotMusic” cards) from all of the major labels that are DRM free, contain all of the related lyrics, videos, pictures and media that coincide with the album, and are priced at the regular retail price point of your average CD. The cards are even rewritable and come with their own USB adaptor. Basically you get all the benefits of digital media, but delivered in a physical object.

While this sounds great and everything, there is still the question of how you are going to listen to these Micro SD cards and how they are going to compete with the volume of product offered by the online distributors. As for the cards themselves, they are largely compatible with most newer cellphones and media devices, as well as any computer with a USB drive. I was able to play “Lynyrd Skynyrd” on my computer and my cell phone (an LG Voyager) quite easily. Additionally, Sandisk will be debuting the “Sansa SlotRadio Player” this month, a device that is designed specifically to play Micro SD cards. The SlotRadio Player is small and stylish, easy to use and even has a built-in FM tuner. The monochromatic display is crisp and clean and it’s simple design and metal construction makes it ideal for the gym (where I break 50% of the MP3 players I’ve had in my lifetime). The device comes pre-loaded with 1,000 songs, organized into seven genres including Rock, Country, Urban, Alternative, Chillout, Workout and Contemporary. For all this, the Sansa SlotRadio Player will retail for under $100, making it an attractive alternative to the iPod Shuffle and/or whistling aloud to yourself in public or whatever it is that you’re doing for music at the present moment.

Going forward, SanDisk will be addressing the volume of product offered by the competitors by offering more songs at obscenely low prices. Their new “SlotRadio” cards will come preloaded with 1,000 Billboard selected songs in six different categories and will retail for $39.99 each. The initial cards that will be available are Rock, Country, R&B/Hip-Hop, Oldies, 80s and 90s, and DailyMix. Even if you’re generally resistant to top-40 music, there’s still bound to be a few hundred songs that you like on any of these cards, which at that price makes this sort of a no-brainer. The amount of control over the contents on the SlotRadio cards is more limited than that of the individual SlotMusic cards in that they must be played on the SlotRadio Player, but that’s a small price to pay for this much music at that price point. Honestly this is the next best thing to outright music theft!

The SlotRadio cards and SlotRadio Player will be available for purchase online beginning on March 31st. For more information on Sansa and SlotRadio, please visit SlotRadio.org.

The Venture family is the first undergo the Hi-Def treatment

By Jeremy Azevedo

For the first time ever, an Adult Swim DVD is being released on Blu-Ray with a robust set of special features the likes of which have never been seen in an animated release. Fittingly, the first series to receive such a treatment is “The Venture Brothers”, arguably the most polished series in the Adult Swim stable.

Featuring beautiful, traditional animation and a throwback art style inspired by the golden years of adventure cartoons, “The Venture Brothers” has served as the high watermark for alternative animation for close to five years now. Not only does the show look good, but it retains that trademark Adult Swim flavor with its bizarre plot lines and smart dialogue that, in a perfect world, would be stacking Emmy awards like Legos.

If you remember the popular Saturday morning cartoon “The Tick”, you’ll see that “The Venture Brothers” is the spiritual successor to that show, centering upon a group of inept adventurers and the equally incompetent supervillians in their lives. The show even features Patrick Warburton (once the voice of The Tick, coincidentally) as Brock Sampson, the only capable character on the show that serves as the “straight man” to the rest of the cast, which is populated primarily by hilariously bumbling goons.

Season 3 of “The Venture Brothers” will feature all 13 episodes from Season 3, uncensored, with deleted scenes and commentary. Additional, it will be packaged with am exclusive CD with the full musical score from the entire season. This is an especially nice feature as the music in “The Venture Brothers” has always been one of its many strong suits. You can pick up “The Venture Brothers” Season 3 2-disc boxed set on Blu-Ray or standard DVD on March 24th at retailers everywhere. (And by can I mean should!)

Exclusive interview with Sgt. Slaughter and THQ’s Sr. Designer

Not long ago CraveOnline and GameRevolution formed up like Voltron to visit THQ, where we got our steely hands of justice on the new “Legends of Wrestlemania” title, interfaced with the earth being known as Sgt. Slaughter and decimated entire trays of bacon when breakfast was served. Somewhere along the way we also managed to interview a couple of people.

Mullet? Check. Mustache? Check. Giant effing snake in a burlap sack? Check.

Legends of Wrestlemania is the latest wrestling game from THQ, uniting the largest ever roster of classic wrestling personas in an arcade-y action game that calls to mind the glory days, playing WWF Wrestlefest at Scandia until our fingers blistered. One of the great new features is one that allows you to “Relive, Rewrite or Redefine” classic Wrestlemania matches from the formative years of Wrestlemania. We talked to WWE Legend Sgt. Slaughter and Sr. Designer Paul Edwards about this feature, the core gameplay, Wrestlemania itself and the world of professional wrestling as viewed through the rosy glasses of bloodstained nostalgia:

For more about Sgt. Slaughter, also read: 5 Things I Never Knew About Sgt. Slaughter

The Warrior offers the Lohan some sage advice

Our intrepid field reporter, Pete Pelmo, recently came into ownership of an iPhone that once belonged to none other than the Ultimate Warrior…

Found on the device was the white, powdery residue of some unknown substance, 25 different numbers for some dude named “Reggie”, a handful of cameraphone pics of the Iron Shiek and Brutus the Barber Beefccake wrestling in their pajamas at what looks like a Holiday Inn in Fresno, and best of all, a saved AIM convo with Lindsay Lohan!

We’ve posted that conversation in it’s entirety below for your enjoyment. FEEL THE POWER!

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