Mongo Nation

A welcome homecoming for the legendary killer

By Jeremy Azevedo

I know what you’re probably thinking… You’re probably thinking “I wonder if I can fit my entire fist into my mouth without getting it stuck? Also, I’ll bet Friday the 13th is gonna be lame… what is it, the 11th sequel or something?”

In answer to your first question, probably not, although I’d like to see you try it. As for the second part of what I imagine is your inner dialogue, you couldn’t possibly be more wrong.

The problem with people’s perception of horror sequels and remakes is that they look at it like any other movie, which it is not. A slasher flick is like a car chase film or a karate movie: It’s supposed to get you pumped up, not to inspire you to change your life or to send you spiraling into an existential crises. It’s like any action movie. The plot barely matters. All that matters is that you have fun watching. It doesn’t matter how many times you see a car jump over a rooftop, or a dude get karate kicked through a 10-story window, or a cheerleader get burned alive and then stabbed by a pitchfork and hit by a truck. It’s awesome every time.

Surprise! Buttsecks.

I, for one, had fun watching Friday the 13th.

I’ll give you that the opener of the film makes absolutely no sense. In trying to tie the mythology of the first three or four films into one for this remake, they sort of glossed over any semblance of coherency. Doesn’t matter. The new Jason has a physicality that is both brutish and lightning fast, like one of those zombies from 28 Days Later combined with a professional wrestler. It isn’t five minutes into the film before he’s beheading topless slut sand college boys a dime to a dozen, much to my bloodthirsty delight.

Friday the 13th is well-casted with sexy young people that look great even with an axe in their head or their ass in a wood chipper or whatever. Additionally, the writing is surprisingly good, with the comic relief characters actually, you know, providing comic relief. The requisite dickhead character is a real jerkoff, and the good girl is as sweet as a Care Bear’s smile. The bad girls are even sweeter, as quick to take off their tops as they are to get their ass chopped up with a machete. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I felt so engaged by the cast of a horror movie. Good times.

Hotties/Victims

When you watch a movie like Friday the 13th, you basically just have to ask yourself, “Did I see some class-A boobies? Did some horny teens take bong rips and then get a screwdriver in the neck or something along those lines shorty thereafter? Was I surprised at one point or another? Did I jump out of my seat once or twice? Did my date punch me in the arm for scaring her? If you answered yes to all of these questions, then congratulations, you had a good time despite yourself.

Rating: 8 out of 10
+2 if you’ve ever had a Friday the 13th film festival and watched every movie back to back. On purpose.
-1 if you’re the kind of person that “shushes” people in crowded theaters, even though everyone else is having a great time except you.