Crap I’ve Had Enough Of This Week
Had it up to here I tell ya!
By The Most Pissed-Off Dude In The World
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Goddamnit! Sometimes I get so pissed I just want to smash my face in a sliding glass doors until the paramedics come, and then smash their faces in the door too for interrupting me! |
Man, I’ve had enough of this crap. Had it up to here. Now you’re probably wondering. “Just what crap is he tired of, exactly?” Jesus H, man, that’s why I’m writing this you dim bastards. Keep reading and I’ll tell you.
What in the name of all that’s holy would ever, EVER possess someone to leave their home, drive to the movie theater, and exchange perfectly good American currency for tickets to “Beverly Hills Chihuahua”? Seriously, this extended Taco Bell commercial has pulled like 30 million already in it’s first week. It’s not like there aren’t any other good movies to go see! Beverly Hills Chihuahua isn’t even one of those, “so bad it’s good” type things, not by a long shot. It’s wholly unacceptable, in every way. Stupid, dated, racially insensitive in the unfunny way… I mean what the hell is wrong with all of you fucking people? This is why the terrorists hate us, by the way.
So I had this dream the other night in which I was hanging out with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, even though I could give a flying fuck about either of those people. And the whole time, he’s like, “You should eat something”, and she’s all like, “Really, I’m not hungry” and I’m all like, “When in the hell did I stop having dreams about having sex with Angelina Jolie and start having dreams about her goddamn husband scolding her about her eating disorder?” Then I woke up, contemplated suicide, decided it was too much work, ate some week-old leftover Mexican food I found in the fridge and went back to bed. My next dream was about crocodiles or something. I don’t really have any feelings one way or the other about that.
Another thing that grinds my gears is when people that work on the Internet don’t even know what a lolcat is. As a writer on the Internet I encounter this strange phenomenon with alarming frequency. This is, like Internet, 101, people. My fucking grandmother knows what lolcats are. Seriously. It’s like being a professional baseball player and not knowing what a shortstop does. No, it’s more like being a urologist and not knowing where your penis is! (I realize that this example doesn’t necessarily apply to lady urologists, but I’ve never seen a lady doctor in my life that wasn’t on TV so fuck you.) The only thing that pisses me off more than this is people who just discovered lolcats. You are at least 100 years late to the party, asshole, and way to be the 300th person to forward me the same picture of a cat riding an invisible bike!
I have this old ass alarm clock and it’s stuck on this goddamn hip hop/R&B station. So every morning, do you know what I wake up to? Fucking vocoders. Can someone please explain to me what that’s all about? Why does everybody want to sound like a robot with downs syndrome? If everyone is going to just have computers do the singing for them, why even have musicians? Other people have always written the pop songs anyway, why don’t they just pitch their lousy voices into the goddamn vocoder themselves and cut out the middleman? (And by middleman I mean T-Pain and Lil’ Wayne, this generation’s Milli Vanilli.) If this is the future of music, than that just makes me feel even better about the fact that I haven’t bought a new record since 1979. F**kin’ Skynyrd baby! That’s what I’m talkin’ about!
Hugs,
The Most Pissed-Off Dude In The World
