Top 10 Mustaches Of All Time
They’re Mustache-tic!
By Jeremy Azevedo
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I think we can all agree that mustaches are well on their way to officially escaping their banishment to the dark realm of the “old and uncool”, and making a triumphant return to the faces of young Americans… |
No longer is the mustache content to languish on the pallid, moisturized faces of wimpy hipsters trying in vain to be more ironic then one another! In honor of International Mustache Appreciation Month, we have compiled a list of the top 10 most influential mustaches in recent history. I think you’ll find that some of our selections may surprise you! (Unless you’re not a complete mongoloid, in which case I think you’ll find that they are all spot-on!)
Weird Al Yankovic
Style: The Bermuda Triangle
Special Abilities/Accomplishments: Accordion mastery, enhanced snark, advanced flexibility, able to disappear and reappear at will, can store up to 220 Brontobytes of musical pop culture trivia, wrote and directed the cult classic film “UHF” while host body was in a coma due to a tragic poodle waxing accident.
Mike Haggar
Style: The Hungarian
Special Abilities/Accomplishments: Enhanced muscular growth, the ability to dress like Freddie Mercury without looking gay, increased electability to the Mayor’s office, can perform a flawless double lariat at will (at the expense of a small amount of health).
Richard Pryor
Style: The Double Caterpillar
Special Abilities/Accomplishments: Stores extra coke for later use, fireproof (mustache only), enhanced hilarity, can make a bitch pregnant just by looking at it, automatically translates every other word into the word “motherf**ker”.
Ned Flanders
Style: The Ned Flanders
Special Abilities/Accomplishments: Enhanced prayerability, increased friend-diddly-endly-iddly-ability, attracts loose animated women like a magnet, operates as a direct two-way radio with The Lord, is the modern standard bearer for pushbroom style mustaches.
Jake The Snake Roberts
Style: The Sexual Predator
Special Abilities/Accomplishments: Looking creepy, telepathic communication with snakes and other reptiles, accelerated mullet growth, ability to pacman superhuman quantities of steroids, GHB, crack, trucker meth and corn liquor, amazing resurrective abilities in the event of an accidental overdose.
Cheech Marin
Style: The Pancho Villa
Special Abilities/Accomplishments: Metabolizes reefer into essential vitamins and minerals, enhanced hilarity, able to disappear and reappear at will, can speak fluent Spanish, when in the presence of Don Johnson, temporarily leaves the face to form an invisible force field against his impressive ego, contractually obligated to appear in any movie or TV show written, directed or produced by a Mexican American, especially, but not limited to, Robert Rodriguez.
Lemmy
Style: The Advanced Handlebar
Special Abilities/Accomplishments: Able to connect with mutton chops without being technically classified as a beard, plays the bass guitar, holds the top score at the Touch Screen “Golf”, “Porno Picture Match” and “Spot the Differences” games at The Rainbow in LA, successfully competes for facial real estate with those enormous f**king moles, is widely regarded by hashers and metalheads as a living deity.
John Oates
Style: The Pushbroom
Special Abilities/Accomplishments: Physically unable to Go For That (No Can Do), single-stachedly composed 5 out of 6 of Hall & Oates’ Billboard rated #1 songs, standard bearer of mustache fashion throughout the 1970s and 80s, can beatbox the chorus to “Maneater” while also singing the words AT THE SAME TIME.
Super Mario
Style: The English Italian
Special Abilities/Accomplishments: Metabolizes naturally occurring psychedelics into essential vitamins and minerals, able to unclog a drain from ten feet away, capable of removing a turtle from it’s shell in less than a single second, fireproof, waterproof, gorilla-proof, can convert the crazy ideas of a middle-aged Japanese man into skyscraper-high piles of crispy American dollars, ability to melt the panties of any Princess that didn’t turn out to be in another castle all along, enhanced ability to be paired with a raccoon tail or frog suit without being classified as a furry.
Burt Reynolds/Tom Selleck
Style: The Burt Selleck
Special Abilities/Accomplishments: The fact that these two men are largely interchangeable is a testament to the power of this mustache. The Burt Selleck represents the pinnacle of glorious mustache achievement, lending the wearer increased quantities of sex appeal, confidence, machismo, intimidation factor, perceived sensitivity, intelligence, charisma, physical strength, and raw animal magnetism. This is why all law enforcement officers and some high-ranking military are required to wear a Burt Selleck, regardless of age or gender. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not look directly at the Burt Selleck or risk spontaneous re-birthing of a fully-grown, incredibly hairy and macho adult male. Paraplegics are known to have been granted the ability to walk (even strut!) again simply by growing a Burt Selleck. I spontaneously grew a mustache RIGHT NOW just by writing about the Burt Selleck. You should too.
best article on here yet.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:04 pmYou should check out the lip broom on me these days. It was inspired by your article! You sir are a face fur genius!
September 7th, 2008 at 1:16 am