Top 10 Most Tolerable Actresses
Now with 100% less Kate Hudson!
By Jeremy Azevedo
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A cursory glance at the big movies of the summer paints a very telling picture of the way roles are written for women in cinema these days… |
Maybe the closest thing to a serious acting gig for a chick would be the recently released Woody Allen picture, “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”, which appears to exist so that we can all watch Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz have a threesome with the guy from “No Country” because Woody Allen is finally too old to do it himself.
Javier and his friendos.
It seems like the days in which the “best actress” category at the Oscars (and their retarded stepbrother, the Golden Globes) were not a complete farce are long gone. Reese Witherspoon winning for sappy biopic like “Walk the Line”? Really? Or Hillary Swank for an over-promoted after school special like “Million Dollar Baby”? Jesus H. You have got to be kidding me. Where are all the serious actresses?
I, for one, am tired of all my movies being ruined by “actresses” that are perhaps better suited to print work, like Jessica Biel/Alba (same difference), pretentious broads like Kiera Knightly who over-value their own skill level, and bland TV actresses with no sex appeal like Katherine Hiegl. Who are this generation’s future legends? None of these women are likely to have a career that outlasts their 30th birthday.
Jessica Alba “acting” like a champion handjobbist.
With a little research I’ve come up with a list of ten actresses that may be just one great role away from timeless recognition. Or, at the very least, are reasonably tolerable.
These ten actresses have amassed an established body of work and have built a strong reputation with the Hollywood intelligentsia. While not the most bankable, they each have enough of a reputation to land a truly career making performance at any time.
Natalie Portman
Some dog letting Portman know what he thought of the new Star Wars movies.
Anyone that pull off an incredibly dark film like “Closer” while also performing in a genre defining dramedy (Garden State) and a summer blockbuster (Star Wars) AT THE SAME TIME is the shit, bottom line. Portman has a great attitude, is well educated, undeniably talented and doesn’t let it go to her head like it does most young actresses. I just hope she turns out to be a better director than Sophia Coppola when she makes the obvious transition that her ambitions seem to be leaning toward.
Christina Ricci
Whatever happened to good ol’ trashy exploitation movie posters?
97-98 was her strongest period, in my opinion, with appearances in Buffalo ’66, Fear and Loathing, The Ice Storm, Pecker, and The Opposite of Sex, although her performances in “Monster” and “Black Snake Moan” proved that she was still relevant as an adult. As one of the most unique actresses working today, I feel she just needs to stay well away from the Speed Racer type films and stay in the independents until PT Anderson or the Cohen Brothers come calling. Also she should avoid giant sunglasses, they only amplify how strangely enormous her eyeballs are.
Anne Hathaway
“Why yes, Mr. Azevedo, I’d love it if you’d come motorboat my flapjacks! How’s 2:00 this afternoon?”
Anne Hathaway is like the Julia Roberts type actress of our generation. Pretty without being sleazy about it, it’s clear that her focus is on her craft and not on her public appearance. It would seem as much of a surprise to her as anyone if she were to be elevated to sex-symbol status, although this would not be unwarranted. Some people think (rather correctly) that she has “Muppet mouth”, but I think this only adds to her natural beauty. A woman without flaws tends to blend into the environment, and also tends not to date regular-to-horrible looking men like someone with Muppet mouth might.
Thora Birch
Doing a better job of it than Halle Berry, anyway.
Whatever Ellen page can do, Thora Birch has already done, thanklessly. In case you’ve forgotten, “American Beauty” was perhaps the greatest film of the 1990s. I’d also like to point out that her performance in “Ghost World” far outshined that of co-star Scarlett Johansson, who would go on to be boring in countless big budget flops like “The Island”. That Thora Birch isn’t half as successful as her less-talented peer is a testament to how powerful our celebrity gossip industry is. Maybe she needs to date an athlete or develop a very public drug habit something to get it going? Is that what it’s gonna take?
Rosario Dawson
You can see right up her nostrils, if you’re into that sort of thing. I know I am! Wait, what?
Rosario Dawson is like the cool chick in high school that is friends with absolutely everybody without even having to put out. I don’t think there is even one director on the face of the earth that hasn’t fallen all over themselves to get her in their movie. She lives up to her reputation by exuding charisma in nearly every role that she is placed in. She has yet to nail a serious part in a drama because she’s so busy being in every goddamn comic book/action movie/sex comedy that gets made in this decade, but I am confident that her day will come soon.
Shannyn Sossamon
Sossamon lookin’ all edgy and stuff…
Shannyn Sossamon is, in my opinion, the go-to girl for edgy, angsty characters now that Helena Bonham Carter has become a full time puppet of Tim Burton. Awkward and world weary in appearance, Sossamon can pull off intimidation and frailty in the same moment. Check her out in the dark comedies “The Rules of Attraction” and “Wristcutters: A Love Story” and then tell me why this chick isn’t a mega-star.
Sienna Miller
ZOMFG!!11!1! THE BARONESS !!!!!!!
Sienna Miller is great in everything she’s in, is hot enough to make even Jude Law throw his life away for a poke, and is versatile enough to take on the role of the Baroness in G.I. Joe while also doing Oscar Wilde’s “A Woman of No Importance” in that very same year. Likes dating married guys because she’s badass and doesn’t give a f**k. Runs the risk of becoming an Angelina Jolie-type caricature of herself later in life, but so far seems to be the right track.
Nikki Reed
Nikki Reed, bein’ jailbait…
Unlike 99% of the vapid little megalomaniacs that become actresses these days, Nikki Reed can actually write, which is amazing, because most actresses can barely read. She’s pretty young, so there’s still a danger that she will get into drugs and/or date Wilmer Valderrama, but I have a feeling that this one will prove to be smarter than that. Hasn’t really done enough to make a clear assessment of her acting abilities, but at least she hasn’t sold out and joined the cast of “High School Musical” or whatever.
Ellen Page
The only known image of Ellen Page not smirking.
I have a feeling that Ellen Page will be a top girl in the cult/indie scene for the next decade or so. She’s a little too snarky and self-aware to really make sense in the Hollywood mainstream, and her “frozen in time” teenage look isn’t going to help that. Even well into her 30s, any bit of sass that comes out of her mouth is going to come off as precocious. But then again, the same has been said of Amy Poehler, and she has managed to make it work for her. I’m pretty sure that Ellen page will do the same.
Evan Rachael Wood
Wood “acting” like Dita Von Teese so Manson will give her MOAR DRUGZ!
This broad is like a creepy adult trapped inside a young woman’s body. Eerily effective in any role, Evan Rachael Wood would be immensely fappable if she wasn’t almost certainly spending most of her time being fed drugs and sodomized by Marilyn Manson and his friends. Nevertheless, she exhibits an ability to play make believe far beyond the range of the majority of her peers, and is currently making the rounds with some of the greatest directors of our time, like Woody Allen and Darren Aronofsky.
