More often than not, female protagonists in video games tend to exist as little more than a shameless attempt to rope in young male audiences looking for cheap thrills (Much like the banner image I used above for this article).But what about those female heroines that transcend the basic law of jiggly tits=$$$? No really, I’m being serious… I’ve even gone so far as to compile a list of the top 10 gaming heroines that are more famous for their contribution to the artform than they are for their propensity for up-skirt cinematography.
Ms. Pac-Man (Ms. Pac-Man)
You may have thought that Ms. Pac-Man was nothing more than regular Pac-Man with a bow on his head meant to rope female gamers into playing arcade games, but you would be very wrong sir (or madam). Whatever Pac-Man could do, Ms. Pac-Man could do faster and better. Most old school arcade enthusiasts will tell you that Ms. Pac-Man is just quite simply a smoother and more enjoyable experience than her male predecessor.
Jade (Beyond Good And Evil)
Not many video games star a female journalist struggling to uncover a worldwide military conspiracy using stealth and photography. Jade is probably the best example of a female protagonist being treated with the same respect as a male lead, in one of the best and most under-rated games of all time. Her uncle is a humanoid pig, which is kind of a turnoff, but they’re technically not blood relatives so at least there probably wasn’t any pig-lovin’ in her direct line of lineage. Read the rest of this entry →
One thing that I dislike about racing games is that they tend to always be about “underground” street racing or high-performance track racing.
Not since Midway’s “Super Off Road” have I played a really decent dirt track racer. I’m sure that there have been many, but Baja: Edge of Control is the first I’ve played in quite some time that wasn’t a bare-bones arcade-y affair or an overly technical simulation.
Baja: EOC starts out a little mixed… The difficulty seems incredibly unreasonable at first, and there is no information given about the various cars that you have to choose from other than what they are called and what paint jobs are available. There isn’t really anything resembling a tutorial, and even on the easiest setting the other cars on the track blow you away by a wide margin. Even after upgrading my car to it’s maximum potential, I still struggled to place in the early races. And then something just clicked. Once I got the hang of managing my speed around turns, popping the clutch for an acceleration boost after a powerslide and pre-loading my shocks before a jump, it was a whole new game. What I’m saying is that the learning curve is a real motherf**ker. Read the rest of this entry →
Yo, so like, when MongoNation asked me to review the new Buckcherry, I was all like “Dude, bro, fuckin’ Buckcherry riiight? Crazy Bitch! Whoo! Hell yeah! They’re THE SHIT! Fuckin’ A.”
So like it took me kind of awhile to calm the fuck down and like really LISTEN to the album, bro, because it just gets me so fuckin’ PUMPED! Yeah! I had to smoke like a pound of fuckin’ weed and do like 1000 push-ups before I could chill out and like, receive the message, bro.
Me putting up 350 because I am so fucking alpha!
The new Album is called “Black Butterfly”, which is hella deep and shit because butterflys are like hella delicate and shit, but the color black is like hella hard. The first song is called “Rescue Me” and I’m pretty sure that it’s about whipping out your cock and telling some bitch to eat! Fuckin’ alpha, bro. Fuckin’ Buckcherry man. Hella tight. The next song is “Tired of You” and it’s about being tired of some bitch, something that we all have experienced bro. I don’t know about that “Too Drunk To Fuck” song though, dude. That shit ‘ain’t never happened to me bro.
There’s like a sorta faggy song after that about dreams or something but sometimes you gottta have songs like that to get bitches turned on and stuff, they like that sensitive shit. But then Buckcherry makes up for it with the very next song, which is about getting’ pussy, bro. Fuckin’ A!
Check out these sluts making out! That shit is so hot bro!
“A Child Called It” is like about being pissed at your mom or something. This kinda shit makes me lose a little respect for Buckcherry, man, I gotta tell you. I don’t wanna hear about your mom, dude, unless it’s like how big her tits are or how bad she wants to fuck me, bro. You know what I’m saying? Then there’s this song that’s like this real romantic motherfucker, like something you’d play at your wedding if you were gonna like settle down with like one bitch for the rest of your life or whatever. I would never do that but I’m just saying that’s when you would like totally rock this song bro. Read the rest of this entry →
Any Street Fighter fan worth his or her weight in hadoukens should remember the classic 1992 EGM prank about unlocking Ryu and Ken’s legendary master “Sheng Long” in Street Fighter 2…
While it turned out to be an April Fool’s joke, gamers have (for some unknowable reason) never been able to banish Sheng Long from their imaginations.
The original prank in all it’s nerd-busting glory:
Now we have word that Sheng Long will finally make an appearance as a secret playable character in Street Fighter 4! Is this some kind of Japanese “September Fool’s” prank or the ultimate fan service? We have uncovered some official looking art, as well as received this suspiciously mischievious comment from SFIV Project manager, Natsumi Shiozawa:
Hello everyone! Its been so busy here lately, I’m beginning to become a bit absent-minded here.
Today, I am glad to introduce you to a Hidden Character in Street Fighter IV. Actually, I wish I could formally announce this information, but I can’t show that much yet so this will have to suffice… sorry!
Feast your eyes on this! This is one Street Fighter IV’s Secret, Unlock-able Characters, Sheng Long!
Though… it’s been blacked-out and a little hard to see. (I’m the one who blacked it out.)
Psyche! I found the image pre-blackout, check it out! -ED
(Cont’d)
Basically, you can see his long hair tied-up, his bulging muscles, and what he’s wearing. You get the idea. Looks pretty strong, huh? He should be! After all, Sheng Long is Ryu’s… You’ll have to wait until an official character announcement is made for more information.
However, since this I did post this with the title “Secret Unlock-able Characters”, I couldn’t post this without telling you guys something. For now, I’ll give you a hint on the whole “secret unlock-able” part.
1. Select Ryu as your character. 2. Win every round with a perfect until the last boss fight. 3. During the boss fight, perform a Shoryuken…
Oops, I’ve said too much!
Those who are quick to catch on should be able to do this no problem. However, since the legendary character Sheng Long is about to come out, I won’t get away with this that easily… But, this isn’t the game’s only secret though.
From the beginning, Sheng-Long hasn’t been the only planned secret character. As I wrote the other day, the release is approaching its final stretch and I will be bringing you as much new information that I can. What?! There’s going to be a special update?!
Don’t miss it!
Hmmm… Seems a bit fishy…
The image above is supposedly a leaked screenshot of Sheng Long, even though any idiot can see it is just a sloppy re-coloring of Ryu by some junior-level photoshooper…
So what do you think? Is this for real or have we been duped again? As awesome as this would be, my own personal bullshit meter is leaning hard toward the latter…
My girlfriend says that Megan Fox is the only other woman besides Rose McGowan that she’d “scissor”. As soon as I look up what that means, I’ll tell you if that’s something cool or not…
Until then, please enjoy these pics of Megan Fox in a wet dress from the new movie “How To Lose Friend And Alienate People”!
If you would’ve told me a year ago that I’d be playing a new classic 8-bit NES Mega Man game on my Wii today, I’d tell you that was crazy talk, and that you’ve been spending too much time with disgraced series villain, “Crystal Man”.
Apparently, someone over at Capcom listens to crazy talk and put together another great piece of fan service on the heels of last months “Bionic Commando” remake. Mega Man 9 looks, sounds and plays just like old-school Mega Man, before all the graphical changes and charge busters and secret characters and other bullcrap that would eventually obscure the series’ greatness. In true retro fashion, you must battle 8 renegade robots with specific strengths and weaknesses, take their weapons, and eventually take the battle to Dr. Wiley who is almost certainly behind it all!
Mega Man and Splash Woman, the first ever female evil robot master.
The first thing you notice, besides the colorful, charmingly familiar 80s style graphics, is the incredibly awesome music. Classic Mega Man games were known for their rocking midi-based music and steep challenge, and this one is no different. You will probably find yourself surprisingly slow at first when it comes to twitch action and platforming, something that has been absent from most modern games.
Another thing that the original Mega Man games were known for was the great characters and weapons. This roster, which includes Concrete, Jewel, Plug, Hornet, Magma and Galaxy Man, also includes the first female robot master, Splash Woman. Because the mega slide and charge buster have been removed, the earlier games reliance on utilizing the robot master’s weapons has returned, which makes the game quite a bit more strategic.
The fruitiest Mega Man screen-shot of all time.
Even if you are not old enough to have enjoyed these games back in the day, you should really experience what essentially feels like a lost classic from another era. There is even an option that simulates old-fashion slowdown and screen flicker! If this is the kind of thing that we can expect from publishers as a result of digital distribution, then we are certainly in for some wonderful surprises in the coming years.
Mega Man 9 is available now for the Wii, September 25th for PSN and October 1st for XBLA for about $10 on all platforms!
No matter how many unsolicited CDs I get in my mailbox every month, I try to at least give each and every one of them a fair shot at a review, no matter how much it may pain me to listen to some of them.
In the interest of saving myself a hell of a lot of work, I’ve condensed all of the reviews for the aforementioned albums to 20 words or less. Not only does this make my job easier, but it also makes the reviews more fun to read.
The Silent Years: The Globe
Pretty decent, atmospheric indie pop by a bunch of science dorks from Detroit. Wait, there are science dorks in Detroit?!
Common Market: Tobacco Road
One of the best hip-hop albums I’ve heard all year. A nice surprise from the burgeoning Seattle rap scene.
Late of the Pier: Echoclistel Lambietroy EP
The coolest thing about this band is that one of the dudes looks exactly like Ronald Weasley from Harry Potter.
One Block Radius: Self Titled
Kind of like a modern version of Color Me Badd. Nice try, guys.
People in Planes: Beyond the Horizon
Really good 90s-style alternative rock. Used to have a way cooler name: “Robots in the Sky”.
Brian Wilson: Lucky Old Sun
Intolerably old fashioned. Sounds like the soundtrack to a really bad musical. My mom will probably like it.
Wonderbugg: Written in Flesh
Jesus H. Christ in a taxi cab, do people really still listen to techno?
Solskucca: Swimming Without Webbed Toes
Sounds like it was recorded at a gypsy camp in Kazakhstan.
Ninjas and video games: One of nature’s perfect combinations.
By Jeremy Azevedo
Everybody knows that ninjas are rad. It’s a fact, like saying, “the sun is hot” or “the world is round” or “sweet pickles are disgusting”. It can’t be argued.
Knowing this, many game developers have tried over the last few decades to capitalize on this awesomnisity by making video games about ninjas, so fat virgins who live in their mom’s basements can pretend to know the glory of decapitating one’s opponent with a razor sharp blade of steel. While there can be no such thing as a bad ninja game, we’ve compiled a list of the ten best, most influential titles in the storied history of ninja gaming:
Ninja Gaiden (NES, Multiplatform)
Ryu Hayabusa symbolizes everything that is totally sweet about ninjas. Some of his hobbies include throwing shuriken, using ninpo (ninja magic, duh) to do crazy shit like duplicate himself or throw fireballs, sticking to walls, hanging from helicopters, cutting fools in half so hard that they EXPLODE, and smacking bitches in the “Dead or Alive” series. Ryu has tangled with monsters, demons, barbarians, lesser ninjas, killer birds, the C.I.A. and lord knows what else, and always manages to come out on top (if you have unlimited continues and a shit-ton of patience, his games are real controller-snappers).
Tenchu (PS1, Multiplatform)
Tenchu was the first game to really give us a taste of the sneaky side of ninjas. Why expend all that energy flipping out and cutting someone’s head off in a shower of blood and bone, when you can chill on the rooftop, feed some idiot a poisoned rice ball (which they will always eat upon discovering, no matter where they found it) creep up on your sleeping victim and cleanly and quietly garrote their throat. Rikimaru and Ayame are like Batman with all their decoys, dog whistles, disguises, grappling hooks and other toys, an essential part of the ninja experience that had been missing from video games for far too long. Read the rest of this entry →
Luke Lockfeld, Jentle Phoenix and Matt Champagne, live!
iJoke.com and CraveOnline present an exclusive performance by Jentle Phoenix and Matt Champagne (both of whom swear that those are their real names…) and 13-year old comic phenom Luke Lockfeld! It’s just like being at the club, except there’s no 2-drink minumum and instead of sitting at a table with a date, you’re sitting in your mom’s basement at your computer by yourself, wearing a dirty pair of briefs and a bathrobe with dinosaurs on it!
