Mongo Nation

DMX is the one of the most awesomely crazy people in the music industry, hands down. When he’s not busy recording “gospel” music, carjacking automobiles at the fucking airport while posing as a federal agent, running pit bull fighting rings, selling and taking drugs, and accusing women of “raping” him, he somehow finds the time to do interviews.

In this excerpt from an interview he did with XXL, the interviewer made the mistake of asking DMX what he thought about the likelihood of Obama becoming president. His response further cemented his reputation as being crazier than a shithouse rat, and is guaranteed to provide you with great LULZ:

Are you following the presidential race?
Not at all.

You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
His name is Barack?!

Barack Obama, yeah.
Barack?!

Barack.
What the fuck is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
Barack Obama?

Yeah.
What the fuck?! That ain’t no fuckin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here.

You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
I ain’t really paying much attention.

I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

So you’re not following the race. You can’t vote right?
Nope.

Is that why you’re not following it?
No, because it’s just—it doesn’t matter. They’re gonna do what they’re gonna do. It doesn’t really make a difference. These are the last years.

But it would be pretty big if we had a first Black president. That would be huge.
I mean, I guess…. What, they gon’ give a dog a bone? There you go. Ooh, we have a Black president now. They should’ve done that shit a long time ago, we wouldn’t be in the fuckin’ position we in now. With world war coming up right now. They done fucked this shit up then give it to the Black people, “Here you take it. Take my mess.”

Right, exactly.
It’s all a fuckin’ setup. It’s all a setup. All fuckin’ bullshit. All bullshit. I don’t give a fuck about none of that.

We could have a female president also, Hillary Clinton.
I mean, either way it doesn’t matter. I don’t care. No one person is directly affected by which president, you know, so what does it matter.

Yeah, but the country is.
I guess. The president is a puppet anyway. The president don’t make no damn decisions.

The president…they don’t have that much authority basically?
Nah, never.

But Bush pretty much…
You think Bush is making fuckin’ decisions?

He did, yeah, he fucked up the country.
He act like he making decisions. He could barely speak! He could barely fuckin’ speak!
Can’t be serious. He ain’t making no damn decisions.

Well Barack has a good chance of winning so that might be something.
Good for him, good for him.

Interview Source

Below is a real AIM conversation that took place between a friend of mine and some other dude he knows. Contained within is an important message about the dangers of fraternizing with ex-girlfriends.

matt: btw

matt: ah nevermind

steve: ?

steve: were you going to invite me to a party and decided not to?

matt: no

matt: i was going to brag

matt: about something

steve: oh

steve: what?

steve: did you win an award?

matt: kind of

matt: a girl i used to date is flying me down to PV for the weekend

matt: out of the blue

matt: she’s paying!!

matt: to me

matt: that is nice

steve: thats fucking badass

steve: have you seen her in person recently?

matt: last week

steve: good

matt: at the beach

matt: haha

steve: that way you know she isnt fat

matt: its the italian

matt: you met her

steve: i am always weary of ex girlfriends, like…. they want to get back at me for something, so they are setting me up for something

steve: like inviting me to their house, and there are booby traps or something

matt: LOL

steve: saying they will fly me to PV, and then i get to the airport all packed, and they never show up

steve: you gotta be weary of that shit man

steve: you really do

steve: girls are psycho

matt: haha

matt: this would be pretty ellaborate

matt: and therefore worth seeing where it goes

steve: girls are also very ellaborate

matt: she’s not the Joker, dude

steve: oh i know

steve: but if she saw batman, she might model her ruse after his

matt: either way

matt: entertaining fo sho

steve: oh yeah

steve: take pictures

matt: haha

More reasons why you sorta missed out by not watching!

#10 Erin Densham
Austrialia
Triathalon

This chick can outrun you, outswim you, out-cycle you (I know, who cares right?) and probably outdrink you too, considering that she’s Australian and all!

Did she win?
Nope!

#9 Alona Bondarenko
Ukraine
Tennis

Comes from a family of tennis stars, has two hot sisters that she usually plays doubles with. (Just not with you.)

Did she win?
The hell if I know. I’m guessing no?
Read the rest of this entry →

Pic somewhat related…

Now I’m not usually one to advocate cock-rock bands like Buckcherry, (even if they did once do a totally sweet cover of “Anything, Anything” by Dramarama) but one thing that I am an advocate of is titties in videos. After all, music videos have always banked on sexy babes to sell the band, that’s nothing new. And now that MTV doesn’t show videos any more, there’s nothing stopping sleazy rock bands from telling the girls to just go ahead and take off their goddamn tops already, amirite? It’s only going to be seen on the Internet anyway, so why not? Check out the X-rated video for Buckcherry’s “Too Drunk to Fuck” right here, which I can assure you is not a cover or of the old Dead Kennedy’s song. But be warned that, like the Hollywood Undead video posted last week, it is totally NSFW!

They could vault my pole anytime!
# 10 Amy Acuff
High Jump

This beanpole’s interests include jumping over stuff, being hella tall and posing nude with alarming frequency!

#9 Jennie Finch
Softball

Unfortunately married to some asshole named “Daigle” or something, but is embarrassed to take his name. I don’t blame her. Read the rest of this entry →

In Canada, it’s just Season Four

By Jeremy Azevedo

Kenny Vs Spenny may be one of the funniest shows I have ever seen. Granted, my tastes are considerably lowbrow, but I have to call it like I see it and this season of Kenny Vs Spenny had me damn near shitting my pants with laughter.

The premise of Kenny Vs Spenny is simple: two best friends enter into a series of friendly competitions that result in the loser being subjected to some kind of scarring humiliation. The competitions range from the obvious, like “who can blow the biggest fart” to the bizarre, like “who can be tied to a goat the longest”. The humiliations are almost always horrible, like making out with an old lady or rolling down a hill in a plastic ball filled with dog turds. No, I did not make that last part up.

These ten episodes were executive produced by Matt Stone and Trey Parker, which ratcheted up the humor in an already funny show. Kenny is such a dick and Spenny such a sad sack that you can’t help but suspend disbelief that some or all of the show may be staged and just enjoy the sadistic abuse levied upon poor Spenny. How “The Hills” became the de-facto pseudo-reality show when there’s something like Kenny Vs Spenny out there defies all logic. Read the rest of this entry →

By Tom Oatmeal

If you’re serious about succeeding as a gang leader, you will need to know how to hire henchmen. Try to take note of how other gang leaders hire them. One guy who was great at choosing henchmen was The Joker. His main henchman in Batman was a man known only as “Bob.”

Bob was in many ways the perfect henchman. He was cooperative, knowledgeable, and he knew when to keep his fucking mouth shut. In fact, my advice to anyone seeking a henchman would be to literally hire Bob, but he was shot to death by The Joker during a childish, impulsive act of frustration. How important are henchman? Let’s put it this way: Less than a week after Bob’s death, The Joker was lying dead on the streets of Gotham City.

Are you sure that ALL of your minions enjoy this tasty treat?

Question #1: I don’t think my henchmen are as passionate about the mission as I am. Does this matter?

It would be ideal for your henchmen to be as enthusiastic as you are about the mission. However, most of them are being paid a fixed rate so they are indifferent as to whether or not you succeed. Knowing that, it is in your best interest to keep the morale high for everyone. If your henchmen like you, they will try harder. Have some sort of snack day where you bring treats for everyone. This can be great for morale if you choose your snacks wisely. By that, I mean you should always choose snacks that everyone can enjoy.

I know a gang leader that had hired on a group of demons from hell to help him stalk and kill the last known relative of Christ. Before the day of the big abduction, the leader brought cupcakes for all of the demons. Unfortunately, he didn’t realize that one of the demons was allergic to dairy. Watching everyone else enjoy their cupcakes upset the demon so much that he acted like a whiny prick the entire next day, which got on everyone’s nerves. I can’t remember if the mission was a success or not.

Question #2: I’ve noticed that my henchmen aren’t very proactive in group scenarios. Are they all like this?

Because henchmen are freelance warriors by nature, they often lack an understanding of the benefits of teamwork. Budget restrictions require most gangs to view henchmen as last-minute hires. They are usually brought in the day of the kidnapping and, if the martial arts expert doesn’t kill them, they submit an invoice and go home the following morning. The short amount of time they are actually part of the gang makes it extremely difficult for henchmen to band together and form any type of game plan.

The henchmen in The American Ninja seem to kind of “wing it” during their attempts to kill Michael Dudikoff. As you watch The American Ninja it is obvious that many of the ninjas are working together for the first time. They fail to even hurt Dudikoff despite the fact that they outnumber him in nearly every battle. The ninjas appear self-conscious and they are hesitant to attack, even when The American Ninja is busy beating a different henchman to death. To avoid this, when you hire henchmen, make sure you give each of them a list of contact information for the other henchmen that will be helping out. Encourage them to get together for a social activity like bowling. This will give them an opportunity to meet each other and possibly brainstorm ways to kill people as a team. Read the rest of this entry →

Leaked screens!

You may have heard by now that Rocksteady Studios and Eidos are co-developing a new Batman game, “Arkham Asylum” for Xbox 360, PS3 and PC. The game is not related in any way to the film series, is being written by official DC writers and chronicles Batman’s struggle to quell an uprising at the legendary Arkham Asylum (home to all of Batman’s major criminals) being orchestrated by the Joker. The game is rumored to run on the Unreal Engine, and has a very dark and gritty feel to it. Not much more is known about the game at this point, but after seeing the amazing screenshots that have been leaked on the Internet this week, it has definitely piqued my interest!

Nerdcore exhibit opens in Hollywood!

By Jeremy Azevedo

Starting last Thursday and continuing on through September 7th, popular gamer lifestyle brand “I Am 8-Bit” will be hosting a gallery of 8-bit inspired art at the World of Wonder Storefront in Hollywood.

I was lucky enough to attend the opening and check out some of the crazy artwork on display this year. While there weren’t any giant-size working controllers or custom chiptune Guitar Hero games or anything at the show this year, the Nerdcore girls were acting as a human exhibit of sorts, lying around glass enclosures in their underwear, playing old school games in front of drooling fanboys disguised as hipsters. Adding to the excitement were DJs playing midi tunes while bartenders served (free!) Colt 45s in custom designed 24 oz. cans.

Donkey Kong, Mario and Paul Frank

Now I’m not much of an art critic but I find the whole 8-bit art thing particularly fascinating because as a kid growing up playing those games, I remember using my imagination to fill in the blanks that the rudimentary graphics were unable to fill. What these artists have done is essentially given physical form to their own imaginary interpretations of subjects that figure very strongly in today’s pop cultural tableau. My camera is a piece of shit so please enjoy these pictures, most of which I cribbed from our friends over at Joysiq.com!

Samus

Nerdcore Calendar babe Read the rest of this entry →

If you’ve ever been on MySpace, you’ve probably at some point heard mention of the “Hollywood Undead”, a band that has over 41 million song plays on the site and sells shit-tons of merch despite the fact that their debut album doesn’t come out until September ‘08 and they just played their first ever live show less than a month ago. In their new video for the song “Undead”, prolific music video director Jonas Akerlund has been employed to produce the most depraved music video any of us may have ever seen, a brilliant marketing ploy that is sure to generate an obscene amount of parental outrage/media attention/astronomical record sales. Check the video out here, but be warned, it’s pretty graphic/awesome!