Make Me Unsee It!
Your guide to the painfully unnecessary!
By Jeremy Azevedo
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As further evidence of the impending apocalypse, nary a week goes by that my eyes and ears don’t writhe in agony after being assaulted by the latest horror bestowed upon us by the entertainment juggernaut that rules our world with a tastelessly bejeweled fist. |
Not content to keep this unwanted knowledge to myself, I have instead decided to share it with all of you so that you can share in my indignation!
Beverly Hills Chihuahua
This may be the most pandering, obnoxious, racially insensitive, and useless “comedy” of the year, on top of being at least five years too late, if not more. Basically, “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” consists of a bunch of Mexican actors (George Lopez, Selma Hayek, Paul Rodriguez, Andy Garcia, and Drew Barrymore as the token “cracker”) spouting off stereotypes while animated dogs prance around rapping about being “hot” dogs. I cannot begin to imagine how it escaped Disney’s notice that no one has given a crap about Chihuahuas since the “Yo Queiro Taco Bell” commercials stopped running and all the celebrities flushed their Chihuahuas down the toilet and got Puggles or some other stupid trendy dog instead.
I suppose this film is intended for children, so they can learn the valuable lesson that “white people are rich and helpless without their money and Mexicans are poor and talk funny”, but I would rather eat the computer I’m writing this on then see a single child be subjected to this unspeakable horror of a movie.
Killer Instinct 3D: Death, Destruction and Doom, or, “Barely Nostalgic Title That Was Never Really All That Great In The First Place Pretends That 3D Was Just Invented: The Game”
For those of you who remember Killer Instinct fondly, I would like to point out the fact that every single character in the game was 100% retarded and wholly generic, and can not be justified for existing today. Please consult the following picture evidence for further proof:
Crappy skeleton: check. Crappy robot: check. Barbarian: check. Ninja: check. Dinosaur: check. Dude made out of ice: check. Dude made out of fire: check. Token chick fighter with huge, oddly proportioned tits: check. Boxer wearing an American flag tank top: check. Native American dude with a tomahawk: check. Kung-fu chick that looks like Paula Abdul: uh…check?
How many of those fascinating and memorable characters are you looking forward to seeing again? All they are missing is a pirate, a Ryu clone and a fat guy and they’ve got the boring generic fighting game character hall of fame! Way to kick the shit out of the world’s deadest horse, Rare!
I Love Money
I don’t know how they managed it, but somehow, VH1 has managed to make an even worse reality TV show than Flavor of Love, Rock of Love and I Love New York COMBINED by… um… combining them?
I Love Money abandons all pretense of “finding love” or “furthering one’s career” and instead focuses on “stupid people f**king each other over for a nominal sum of money”. Each and every contestant is a former cast member of a different VH1 reality show that is the spin off of yet another VH1 reality show. Of course, everybody that watches these shows has an IQ of minus twelve and couldn’t possibly remember ever having seen these people before, but I’d be willing to bet that this won’t stop the contestants from having huge egos that result in constant verbal and physical battles, and maybe even an occasional taking of a dump on the stairs (thanks for that one, Flavor of Love!).
If you are a mongoloid, you will thrill to the drama of dudes with names like ’12 Pack” and “Heat” (who aren’t even American Gladiators with those names, if you can believe that!) playing steal the bacon or musical chairs or something on television with midget rappers and fatherless sluts that are one reality show away from doing donkey shows in Tijuana!
