What Not to Give Your Mom For Mother’s Day
Gifts that will get you omitted from your mom’s will
By Jeremy Azevedo
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Each year, a bunch of morons sharpen their Scooby Doo pencils and set to work writing all these lame articles about what to get your mother for Mother’s Day, and it’s always the same crap. Unless your mother hates you with the intensity of a thousand fiery suns, she’ll enjoy most anything that you give her all the same. |
That having been said, there are a few select gift ideas that you should avoid at all costs, which I have gone to the trouble of outlining for you here. As long as you avoid the following gifts, you should be the apple of your mom’s creepy glass eye this Mother’s Day.
“Hi mom! You accidently locked me outside again!”
A Bail Bond
“Hi Mom! Happy Mother’s Day! I’M IN JAIL! Can you bail me out?”
This is the second worst thing that you could ever say to your mom, the first being this:
“Hi Mom! Happy Mother’s Day! Guess what? I married Lindsay Lohan in Vegas, converted to Scientology, dropped out of school, have AIDS, killed a US senator for Al Qaeda and never really liked your meatloaf! Happy Mother’s Day!”
A New Pet
A lovely creature in need of a good home or euthanasia.
Your mom doesn’t need another mangy ass pet to take care of for twenty years. Nothing says “Screw you, Mom!” like saddling her with another helpless living creature to stress her out every time she’s trying to go on a vacation, to piss/shit all over her carpet and burrow holes in her nice furntiture.
Sexy Lingerie
Not only is this wildly inappropriate for anyone that grew up outside of rural Arkansas, but it’s also a painful reminder of your mom’s lost youth. Everybody knows that moms don’t have sex, ever (especially your army of estranged stepfathers).
A Kiss Kasket
Fact: Gene Simmons has had sex with your mom.
What better way to reference your mom’s impending mortality and your own psychotic obsession with the Insane Clown Posse of the late seventies (Kiss) at the same time? If you honestly can’t think of a better way to spend $4500, then you should by all means:
A. Purchase a Kiss Kasket
B. Get inside of it and have a friend bury you alive
C. Dieeeeeeeeee!
NHL Season Tickets
Let’s just get this right out there in the open: Nobody likes hockey. Not you, not your friends, not hockey players themselves, and especially not your mom. It’s the only sport that’s even more useless than soccer or “futbol” or whatever the hell people are calling it these days.
A Life Size Replica of “The Orc Slayer” From The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
A couple of LOTR dorkmasters just BEGGING to have thier asses kicked.
The picture of you in full medieval regalia at last years Rennesaince Faire that your mom begrudgingly keeps on the mantel is plenty reminder of what a nerdlinger you turned out to be. Don’t exacerbate the problem by trying to inflict your fanboyism upon your very own mother.
The following subjects are off limit in regards to Mother’s Day gifts, gifts for anyone, ever, and publicly admitting an interest about, especially in the presence of women: Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Star Trek, Nintendo, anything with robots, anything in space, anything to which the word “fantasy” could be applied in all seriousness, anything Japanese, comic books and porno.
Anything Taxidermied
Nobody wants a stuffed badger, beaver, dog, duck or bear. They just don’t. People that still cut animals open, replace all their squishy parts with sawdust, sew ‘em back up and stick marbles in their eye sockets should be drug out in the street and shot. You know it, I know it, and your mom sure as hell knows it.
Trump Steaks Online Gift Collection
Donald Trump pretending to shoot at a pile of meat like a cowboy. Pew, pew! Gotcha!
What does Donald Trump know about steaks, or anything else? I can’t even begin to imagine who would want to spend hundreds of dollars on mail order meat personally selected by the underpaid indentured servants of a man who can’t even wear a toupee convincingly. Nor should I have to, quite frankly.
A Dream Date with DMX
Has your mom dreamed all her life of smoking rock, carjacking fools, packing heat and “keeping it real gangsta”? Does nothing excite your mom more than being referred to as a “bitch” or a “ho” in front of your dad, instead of by him? Even then, I still wouldn’t recommend putting her in the hands of DMX, who’s like the rap equivalent of Tracy Morgan, minus the comedy. You know what I mean?
What I’m saying is that he’s batshit crazy
In House Scientology “Stress Test” (Brainwashing Seminar)
Xenu partying in space with his pimped out magic party space plane.
Scientology is a horror that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy, let alone my own mother. Even if your own mother is your worst enemy, it’s still not nice. If your mom is stressed out, send her to a spa or something. It probably costs slightly less and almost certainly doesn’t subject her to thetans and Xenu and volcanoes and magic space planes and all kinda whacko cult stuff. She gets all the whacko cult stuff she needs from watching Oprah.
