Mongo Nation

And you thought frat bros were annoying…

By Jeremy Azevedo

Everybody knows that people who go to art school are essentially attention whores with unrealistic expectations. The general consensus is that most every art student is a stoner with rich parents that want their little self-absorbed emo douchebag child to graduate from college, even if it’s some kind of Micky Mouse drawing college that has commercials on late night TV…

But are all art school students really as 2-dimensional as all that? It just so turns out that I number among their kind, and am prepared to share with all of you what I’ve learned about the different kinds of people that populate this misunderstood niche of American culture:

The Rich Kid

One hour later, this asshole will be telling everyone he’s from Compton or something.

This prick comes from a rich family, but you’d never know it because they are pretending to slum it in art school until they run out of drug money and have to go back to work at their father’s company. This person will never actually become an artist, let alone graduate. But they do always have blow, and can probably pull chicks from the upper caste that would never talk to you otherwise, so they’re great to have around.

The Genuine Maniac

Now this is why they don’t paint nurseries with lead-based paint any more.

Everybody in art school pretends to be stranger than they actually are to get attention. It just goes with the territory. This person is not faking it. The Maniac is a person that is so crazy, he makes everyone else look like a total square. This weird bastard will either greatly annoy you or greatly entertain you, depending on your tolerance level for paintings made with human feces, taxidermied duck fetuses and ten foot tall prints of the artists balls, slathered in macaroni and cheese. It’s best not to ever make direct eye contact with The Maniac, but seeing other people’s reactions to their “work” is almost always a laugh riot.

The Snob

Snotty little 20 year old “cultural elitists” looking all serious and stuff.

Every art school has an army of these guys. Snobs are the jerkoffs that think everything sucks except for the shit that other snobs all agree to approve of (at least for the time being). These assholes all dress in black and probably wear neck scarves, Buddy Holly glasses and/or berets, even though everyone knows that they look totally gay. The Snob will lecture you endlessly about art any time they are given the chance, so be careful not to engage them in conversation unless you are trying to sex up a female Snob. All that self-righteousness makes them very horny, and all the male Snobs are gay with each other (although they’ll never admit it). Because they are wound up so tight and have no way to release their aggression physically, the female Snob is a real wildcat in bed.

The Virgin

“We’re gonna get so much pussy in art school, whooooo!”

There are dorks who never got laid in high school that think that by going to art school, they will have a better chance at getting some trim. The reasoning for this is that there are no jocks or frat boys at art school. Sadly, the alpha-male protocol applies to nerds too, and there will always be someone higher on the food chain than these hopeless dweebs. If a Virgin should ever make it to senior year, they will have gradually evolved into “The Date Rapist”.

The Retard

Brilliant performance art or dangerously unhygienic

The Retard is in art school only because it’s so difficult to find a babysitter for a grown man with a propensity for making decorative macaroni pictures. Art school is the perfect place for a complete and total spazz, because while it may be easy to spot a tard in a Molecular Biology or English Literature class, it’s significantly less so in an art class where the line between genius and mongoloid is a very thin one indeed. There ought to be grades given out for holding in your laughter when The Retard presents their projects, because it’s one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in art school.

The Housewife

So… Goddamn… Creepy…

This sad creature is in her late 40’s has been a housewife all her life, hasn’t spoken to her husband in years, and hasn’t gotten laid in decades. The Housewife is looking for meaning in her empty life by exploring her creative side. You would expect an expression of utter nihilism from such an empty, broken subject, but instead what you get is insipid flower paintings and photographs of other people’s babies. The Housewife will almost certainly come on to you in some fumbling and desperate manner, but do not confuse The Housewife with a “Cougar”. They are not even the same species, and even The Virgin would not let one of these hankmonsters climb on top of them.

The Art Slut

Just tell her you “admire her artistic vision” and she’ll spread like butter on toast.

The old adage says that if she smokes, she pokes. An old art school adage says that the number of visible piercings on a female student’s body directly correlates to her average number of sex partners on a weekly basis. The Art Slut is always “down to blaze”. The Art Slut will gladly pose nude for your photography/fine art illustration/film/astronomy and/or contemporary basketweaving project. The Art Slut is bisexual. The Art Slut will give you an STD. Whatever you do, never, EVER date an Art Slut. They are all bat shit crazy and will probably cut you.

The Goddamn Kiss-Ass

Now THIS GUY knows the way to his burned out failure of an instructor’s heart!

This little jerk knows everything about every single instructor, and never hesitates to show off their “worldly” appreciation of said instructors’ work. This is made especially annoying by it’s completely obvious transparency, as all of your instructors are total failures and everybody knows it. This will not help the little prick get a gallery show or anything, because all the instructors really wants is for someone to give them some really good pot after class.

Check back next week for “More Jerkoffs You Are Sure to Meet in Art School”!