Mongo Nation

Would you prefer “Global Colding”?

By Moses Amadeus

Are you sick to death of hippies telling you how long your showers can be, telling you when to turn your lights off and trying to guilt you into driving those gay little electric cars around? I know I am. I don’t care how many soldiers have to kick the bucket so I can fill up my Escalade with liquefied dinosaur bones, I will never be caught dead in a “Prius”.

Despite what John Q. Patchouli Oil has been telling you, global warming is not the apocalyptic disaster that Al Gore and his fellow recycling plant shareholders have been telling you it is. In fact, there are many ways in which we can all benefit form “Global Warming”!

A polar bear enjoying a relaxing dip in his new tropical home.

Jackets are expensive. Do you really want to spend hundreds of dollars every year on new jackets? Maybe you’re not as fashionable as I am, and you only buy one every other year. But even then, the cost of a new leather jacket, for instance, can range anywhere from $250-$1000! Not to mention the senseless slaughter of so many delicious cows.

Think of all the solar power! All that sunshine could all but eliminate our dependency on foreign oil, coal, wind power or whatever the hell it is that makes my 61-inch plasma screen TV with 7.1 surround sound turn on every night. The only downside is that we might have too much energy, and would then be forced to design newer, better ways to be wasteful. Who has time for that?
Let’s face it: Alaska is useless! What a gyp, all that land and we have to pay people to move there. All that oil and we can’t drill for it because of all the goddamn penguins or whatever. Well, thanks to global warming, Alaska might actually become useful! If you’re not a total idiot, you’ll start buying up property right now, because once the thaw sets in, Alaska will be our new Hawaii!

Hell F’ing yeah, Alaska!

Dune buggies are rad. Everybody knows that. When the whole Midwest becomes a desert, imagine the fun you’ll have traveling everywhere by dune buggy! We can all expect a 500% increase in sweet jumps and massive air in our near future, and I for one think that’s great news.

When melting polar ice caps significantly raise the sea level and envelop all those assholes that have been living for generations on luxurious waterfront property, we all benefit! Your shitty track of inland desert suburban wasteland will now be a cozy coastal cottage with twice the property value. Congratulations, cheapskate!

Fact: The hotter it is, the fewer clothes babes wear. Unless you have some kind of weird fetish for turtleneck sweaters, you’ll be happy to know that increased temperature=more scantily clad tasty babes. Great job everyone! If anyone out there thinks that this is a bad thing, it is because you are either A. a fat chick or B. a gay guy.

Some chicks waiting in line at Starbucks or whatever.

Tanning is rad but takes forever. Fake tanner makes everyone look orange, which is even worse than being all disgustingly pale. Thanks to global warming, everyone will always have sweet tans all the time! Tanning will take less time, and the frequency of nude sunbathing will increase exponentially. Win/Win!

Have you seen the movie “Waterworld”? That movie sucks! But it does paint a picture of some of the awesome new advancements in human DNA that we have to look forward to, most notably, gills! Unless you are an idiot that believes that “god” snapped his fingers and every living species just sprouted into existence exactly as is, then you know that evolution is a reality. Hey assholes, I’d like to see you teach “creationism” in schools when we’ve all started breathing underwater!

Fact: Dead polar bears make sweet rugs. They’re fuzzy, white as the pure driven snow, and jam-packed with sex appeal. The moment a babe sees that you have a dead polar bear in your home, she knows you mean business. Plus, when was the last time you actually ever saw a polar bear in person? It’s about time they made themselves useful and gave back to society, that’s what I think.

That’s what you get for drinking up all our Coca-Cola, you furry prick!

Waterparks are a ton of fun, there’s no denying it. An obvious side effect of global warming is more, better water parks, all across the world. Think of all the crazy slides you’ll get to experience! The wave pools! The lazy rivers! The parks will probably have to use salt water, as there won’t be a lot of fresh water left, but it’s not like people drink from the pool anyway, amirite? There’s pee in there!

So you see, Global Warming is nothing to be afraid of. “The Man” has no right to encourage us to consume like Kirstie Allie at a Vegas buffet for 100 years straight only to change their minds all of the sudden because a few species we’ve never even heard of may have mysteriously “vanished”. Big deal. If I haven’t eaten it, it doesn’t exist, that’s what I always say.

See you losers at the Dune Buggy racetrack/wet T-shirt contest!