Mongo Nation

7 horrible new things to worry about!

By The Pope!

In response to a modern new era that continually pushes the boundaries of what is and isn’t morally acceptable behavior, the Vatican has released and updated list of seven new “deadly sins”, the violation of which will surely lead to your eternal damnation.

Unfortunately, those gosh darn Buddhists or whatever in the yellow press got a hold of the original decree and changed it to suit their needs. Polluting the environment? Genetic engineering? Obscene wealth? You’d think God was some kind of f**king hippy the way those assholes are trying to make him sound. But don’t worry, we’ve got the real list right here, so have a look at the REAL seven deadly sins for the modern era and consider yourself saved. You’re welcome.

Appearing on a reality TV show

I have no idea what show this is from, but it looks disgusting, whatever it is.

If you are looking to jumpstart your acting career, getting drunk and throwing dinner plates at strangers in fashionable swim wear for two weeks is probably not going to help. If you are looking for love, you’re probably not going to find it with a D-list celebrity by riding a unicycle with a margarita on your head. Eating a plateful of pickled horseshit is not going to cure your overwhelming fear of commitment. There is no amount of money that will make supplicating to Tila Tequila and/or Flava Flav acceptable in the eyes of the lord. Changing the name “Star Search” to “American Idol” and replacing Ed McMahon with Ryan Seacrest doesn’t make vapid pricks singing bad karaoke okay or acceptable. Additionally, the Vatican warns that there is a possibility Ryan Seacrest may even be the Antichrist foretold by scripture. The coming apocalypse will be heralded by the return of “The Grind” to network television. The Vatican may even go so far as to say that the mere act of watching reality TV may be damaging to your soul. You have been warned.

Fat people in tight clothes

How many god-fearing people had to starve so that behemoth could feed?

Fat people that wear tight clothes are a crime against fashion, nature, and all that is holy. Fat is not “fabulous”, regardless of what Tyra/Oprah/Rosie or whatever fat chick on TV is popular at the moment tells you. The Vatican considers mouthy bitches to be agents of sin, fat ones especially. If you are a portly lady or fellow with no bum, tight, skinny jeans are not for you. The Vatican doesn’t care how strict the dress codes for being an emo scene kid are. Nobody wants to see your muffin top. Emo music is clearly homosexual in nature anyway, and you know how the Vatican frowns upon that. While we’re on the subject, fix your hair too. The road to hell is paved with unfortunate hairstyles. But we digress. Seriously, is there anything more disgusting than an enormous fatbody in tights and a belly shirt? Cover that shit up, you gluttonous beast, the power of Christ compels you!

Web celebrities

God help us if this is what qualifies as a “celebrity” these days.

Nothing is more insufferable then celebrity, especially when someone becomes famous for absolutely NO GOSH DARN REASON. The Vatican is horrified to see that we live in a time in which someone can become internationally known for taking pictures of themselves in their underwear and then posting the pics on their MySpace page. People have development deals at major networks for crying into a web-cam about nonsense or farting into a microphone. You know who doesn’t have a development deal with the networks? Jesus H. Christ Himself. What is the world coming to?

Ironic beards, mustaches, neck scarves, sunglasses at night

Even Jesus hates these dorks.

Despite what the omni-present American Apparel ads would have you believe, it is not cool or sexy to have ironic beards/mustaches, nor is it acceptable in the eyes of the lord to wear ironic neck scarves, silly hats or sunglasses, especially if it is nighttime, and you are indoors. Dressing up like an insurance salesman on their day off in San Fernando Valley, 1976 doesn’t make you a hipster. Being a cultural elitist and saying that you like the correct music, movies and books does. Even the Vatican knows that! Seriously, though, it’s time to shave your face, you’re like, 22, not 46. Put away the ironic tank tops, neon green high tops, V-neck Cosby sweaters and ass-tight jeans for the next generation of hell-bound morons that actually believe that you can buy “individuality” at Urban Outfitters.

Listening to shitty music

Speaks for itself.

Remember how much you liked reggaeton a couple of years ago? How do you feel about it now? What about crunk? Do you cringe every time you here someone say “YEE-YAY-YUH” or “WHAAAT”? The Vatican does. How about rapcore? Still listening to those Limp Bizkit albums are we? I didn’t think so. If you are open to being convinced that you should participate in shitty music fads, then you are also open to the call of The Beast. Beware crappy music, it exists to soften your mind and break down your will to execute free will, precisely the thing that the battle for the Heavens was fought over! The sound of hell is not made up of screams and raging fire, but of boy bands, techno and corporate rock in the vein of Jefferson Starship.

Talking on the phone every goddamn place, especially if it’s on an iPhone

Some asshole at the gym I go to in Vatican City.

If you are at the gym and your exercise is so low impact that you can carry on a conversation with your significant other, then you need to just take your ass home and let someone else wail on their pecs. If you are in your car, and you’d just as soon send and receive text messages as you would run a stoplight and plow right into a crowd of pedestrians, maybe it’s time to shut your f**king yap for once. Walking around with a Bluetooth earpiece in your head doesn’t make you look important, it makes you look like a crazy person talking to no one at all. (Which is only acceptable when you are praying!) Also be warned that a special circle of hell awaits those who are early adopters of useless and overpriced gadgets, especially iPhones, or iAnything, for that matter. There are people starving to death on the very streets upon which you live, and you’re going to spend five hundred dollars on a phone? The Vatican thinks you’re a dick, bud.

Bad Internet etiquette

Proof that you’re doing it wrong.

Bad Internet etiquette is like committing every sin in the book at the same time with the push of a button. The Internet is like a black hole filled with greed and lust, self-worship and idolatry, pride, envy, sloth, and the occasional shiny nugget of wisdom like this here article by yours truly. The worst offenders? Spammers, email forwarders, chronic bulletin posters, anyone that ever fills out a survey for any reason, ever and people that “poke” each other on Facebook. The Vatican’s position on poking is that you should wait until marriage before indulging in that type of behavior. Also, no one cares about what you ate for breakfast yesterday, who was the last person you talked to, what heathenistic band you’re going to go see this weekend or which LOL cat made you, um, “lol” today. Except maybe Jesus, I’m fairly certain he’d be happy to hear all about it. Although after reading your blog that was forwarded to us earlier today, The Vatican believes that even He may be unable to stomach your self-absorbed, ridiculously ill-informed and un-funny diatribes about your boring life, your insipid friends, and your flagrant misappropriation of “deep” quotes from authors you’ve never read.

For those of you that have the good sense to take these seven new deadly sins for a modern era into account and get your act straightened out, peace be with you. And for the rest of you slackers, well, see you in hell!