Mongo Nation

Because you’re too much of a pussy to break it off yourself

By Moses Amadeus

Have you ever been dating some broad that won’t get off your nuts no matter how badly you treat her? Is she like a Chinese f**king finger trap, and the harder you struggle, the tighter her grip becomes? You sir, are a vagina. It’s about goddamn time for you to grow a pair and get that monkey the hell off your back once and for all.

Step 1: Cheating

If you haven’t thought about cheating as a way to get out of the relationship, then I wonder how you’re even reading this, because you’re obviously acutely retarded. Cheating is a great way to get out of your current relationship quickly and cleanly, no messy, drawn out bullshit, just “I never want to see you again” and that’s that. Plus you get laid! It’s pretty much a win/win situation.

Step 2: Creepy Hobby/Fetish

If your girlfriend is into this, maybe you should rethink breaking up after all.

Here’s another fun one that can lead to a whole new world of enjoyment for you. Why not take up a deal breaking, creepy hobby and/or fetish? Who knows, you might find that you get real, meaningful satisfaction out of watching snuff films, or practicing taxidermy on your neighbors’ still-living pets. Even better, ask your girlfriend to take part in your nightly prison rape fantasies (with you as the aggressor, of course). Or how about forcing her to be the guitar tech for your air-guitar jam band thrice weekly? I’ll tell you what I do know: she’ll be running for the hills while you’re having the time of your life on whatever sick, sad voyage of self discovery that your diseased mind conceives of.

Step 3: Self Love

Know what’ll really make her skin crawl? Every time you have sex with your girlfriend, set up a camera, but make sure that only you are visible in the frame. Run an AV cable to the TV, and make sure that you can see yourself at all times. While you are in the act, pose for yourself, send yourself air kisses, flex, whatever. No, you cannot just do the same thing with a mirror, because then you could probably also see your girlfriend, who I’m willing to bet could stand to lose a little weight and will be in the frame no matter how you try to hide her. Plus, going to all the trouble of setting up the camera says to your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend “I am a disturbingly self obsessed, and possibly even closet-homosexual narcissist of the highest order, and should be avoided at all costs.”

Step 4: Pee In The Sink

Always pee in her sink instead of the toilet. Leave the toilet seat up anyway.

Step 5: Ex-Boyfriend

This maneuver calls for you to make friends with your girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend. Chances are, her ex is a f**king douche, but whatever your differences are, you’ll both enjoy one thing: telling embarrassing stories about your girlfriend. Make sure that the stories that you are sharing are horribly offensive and personal, that you talk and laugh about them as loudly as possible in a public place, and that your girlfriend is within earshot when you do so.

Example: “This one time, we were doing it at her parents’ piece of shit trailer in Pomona. I “accidentally” put it in her butt and she screamed so loud that her dad ran into the room with a shotgun, slipped on her diaphragm, and shot himself in the leg! Her dad is a fag, by the way.”

Feel free to embellish. It doesn’t even matter if her parents live in a trailer, or even if her dad really is a fag or not. The only thing that matters is that your girlfriend has a heart attack when she hears the stories you’re sharing with the one person she hates more than anyone else in the world. At least until you came along!

Step 6: Clothes

This one is a bit costly, but well worth it to get rid of a particularly clingy barnacle of a girlfriend. At least once a week, buy her an item of clothing. It doesn’t even matter what it is. Just make sure that it’s like two sizes too big. No matter how many times she tells you that the clothes are too big, continue to buy them that size. Explain to her that she looks about that big so you don’t understand why she keeps trying to act like she’s not.

Step 7: Buddies

Your buddies should be at least this obnoxious to repel a clingy chick.

Consistently arrange very romantic dates with your girlfriend. Candlelit dinners, fancy restaurants, walks on the beach, hot air balloon rides, all that corny shit that stupid chicks think they like because they hear about it on Oprah or wherever the f**k. The catch is that you must always invite your buddies along without asking or telling her. After about the third time you do a beer bong or have a discussion about Lindsay Lohan’s tits with your most obnoxious manbot friend at the dinner table at Spagos, you can kiss her goodbye for good.

Step 8: Insulting Nickname

Refer to your girlfriend publicly as “The Cum Dumpster”. Bonus points for doing so in front of her friends, family and especially her co-workers.

Step 9: Disappearing Act

See you in a week when you become useful again!

Disappear for a week every time your girlfriend gets her period. Make no attempt to explain this absence. If she is persistent (she will be, women are such nags), deny that it ever happened. This will drive her crazy with menstrual rage or whatever, so be careful!

Step 10: ATM

Some bitches getting their ATM card swiped.

I know you think I’m going to tell you to use the old “I forgot my ATM card” trick every time you go out right? That’s exactly why you’re such a f**king amateur. I’m talking about swiping your girlfriend’s ATM card every time you hit the sack, brother. Ass to mouth, every single time, no exceptions, no excuses. Not even the gnarliest porn star on the face of the earth would put up with this for very long.

There you have it. If you’ve tried one or more of these steps unsuccessfully, then you’re either doing it wrong, or you need to get a restraining order before that chick hobbles you and takes you hostage like Kathy Bates in that movie “Misery” or some shit. Now get to work, you little twinks, and don’t say I never did anything nice for you!

We give it the full 8-hour endurance test!

By Jeremy Azevedo

Whenever I get emails about USB powered anything, I usually find them highly suspect. There seems to be some kind of renaissance of useless USB powered gadgets being showered upon us by an army of computer savvy Ron Popeils.

When I heard about the USB powered Beverage Chiller by Coolit Systems, I decided to put it to the test. Does it actually do what it purports itself to do, or is it just another crappy gizmo destined for the bargain bin at the Best Buy checkout line? Watch the following time-lapse video to find out:

The USB powered Beverage Chiller can be found at Coolitsystems.com

Who’s playing who in the upcoming Street Fighter movie?

By Jeremy Azevedo

So I’m sure some of you must have heard that there is a new Street Fighter movie in development with a target release date of 2009, “Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li”. For those of you that haven’t heard, please take a moment for the ZOMFG to sink in. Finished? Okay…

Typically, movies based on video games don’t fare too well, and movies based on video games that are not particularly plot heavy tend to be even more problematic. And let’s also not forget that a previous attempt at a live-action Street Fighter movie was generally considered by most to be an outright disaster.

Despite all this, accomplished action movie director Andrzej Bartkowiak (Doom, Cradle 2 The Grave, Exit Wounds, Romeo Must Die) is signed on to the project, which is being produced by Twentieth Century Fox. A partial cast list has been released, so we’ve made our best guesses as to what parts everyone will be playing.

We already know that Kristen Kreuk (Smallville) has been cast in the titular role as Chun Li. Focusing on the plot line of this one character is probably the best news yet for fans of the series, as Chun Li has one of the most coherent plotlines in the canon.

Chris Klein has been cast as Nash, which is the Japanese name for the character we know as Charlie. Charlie is a war buddy of Guile’s that Chun Li is tracking because of his undercover connection with M. Bison, the man Chun Li seeks to enact revenge for the murder of her father.

Michael Clarke Duncan will be playing the part of Balrog, one of M. Bison’s personal bodyguards. MCD is always good, too bad He’ll probably have a pretty small role in this.

Taboo of the Black Eyed Peas is cast in the film as well. One can only assume that he will be playing Vega. He’s got long, luxurious hair, and his face is probably best covered up with a mask. Really, the dude is unfortunate looking.

Rick Yune will be playing the part of Gen, the kung fu master that trained Chun Li. Which is weird because Gen is supposed to be like 100 years old but whatever.

Edmund Chen will most likely be playing the part of Ryu, and will very likely be developed into some sort of love interest for Chun Li.

I’m going to guess that Moon Bloodgood will be Cammy, the brainwashed clone enforcer of M. Bison that Chun Li has run ins with throughout the series. This would keep in line with the military/Shadowloo (M. Bison’s criminal organization) theme of the film that seems to be developing.

The only other actor that has not already been assigned a character is Pei-pei Cheng. The only obvious role for her would have to be Sakura. Sakura is a plucky young fan of Ryu that could serve as a comical sidekick and strengthen the connection between Chun Li and Ryu.

We still don’t know who will be playing M. Bison. Personally, I’d be pulling for Gary Oldman, myself. Or Clive Owen, it’s about time he played a really bad guy. Henry Rollins would be rad. The Rock may as well be Sagat now that Dolph Lundgren is getting a bit oldish. Owen Wilson as Ken would be funny, and I wouldn’t mind Jason Statham as Guile if he got some hair plugs for his bald-ass head. But let’s just leave the really corny characters out of this one, what do you say? That means no Blanka, E. Honda, Zangief or Dhalsim. This movie is guaranteed to be better without any green, hairy men or sumo wrestlers showing up for absolutely no goddamn reason like in the last Street Fighter movie.

We drink the Oscar nominated shorts’ milkshakes. We drink them up!

By Jeremy Azevedo

Do you know the feeling you get when you go somewhere half expecting something to be a certain way, but also feeling quite certain that you’re just pre-judging? But then you get there everything is exactly what you had initially expected? The Oscar nominated International short film screening was very much like this

Now I’m not saying that Americans are generally sophisticated, as that would be a lie. But our entertainment business most certainly is. Make films anywhere else and you’re essentially playing in the minor leagues, waiting for your big break. Then you come to the US and make the big bucks. That’s just how it is. As is typically the case with short films, the amateurness really shows. As is the case with foreign short films, the amateurness, filtered through whatever 1970 school of film these people attended, shows even more.

Now before you get your panties in a twist, let me preface this by saying that I’m actually quite a fan of foreign cinema. And it is for this very reason that I was a bit disappointed. Every last film that I saw could be easily described as very pretentious and cliché. Even the two Frenchmen sitting next to me dismissed the French film, “Le Mozart Des Pickpockets” summarizing their feelings thusly: “Eh… it was very French, that’s all I can say”. I couldn’t stop thinking about this, as it seemed to be the general consensus of the mostly older, mostly foreign audience that I shared the screening room with. They all seemed to echo this sentiment of having seen something “typical”. What exactly did they mean by that?

The best way that I can describe it is this: Have you ever known someone who was born and raised in the US, but tells everyone that they meet for the first time that they are “Irish” or “German” or whatever the hell their grandparents (that they probably hardly ever see) are? These films look as if they were made by those kinds of people. It was like a parade of racial stereotypes as interpreted by filmmakers purporting themselves to be members of the class being stereotyped. According to the representations of these films, the Dutch are cold, dry nihilists. The French are rude, dirty gypsies. The Italians are loudmouthed, ill-behaved, soccer-obsessed maniacs. Everybody in Europe dances the tango.

It’s similar to watching an American film in which everybody is a gangster/capitalist with big fake tits, driving an SUV through a Starbucks while shooting an AK-47 and watching American Idol on an enormous plasma screen TV. Though it may be shot and acted quite well, and though moviegoers outside the US may warmly accept it, we would probably have this to say about it: “Eh… it was very American, that’s all I can say”.

The best film of the lot, not because it was technically better, but because it was unintentionally hilarious, was “The Tonto Woman”, a British interpretation of a “spaghetti western”. Apparently, some nerds spent tens of thousands of dollars shooting a love story between a gun-toting horse thief and a rescued, but tainted, white Mojave concubine, that had neither action nor drama to show for it. This one was so corny, it may have well been a musical. The best part? Implied shootouts that happen outside because the filmmakers probably ran out of money and couldn’t afford to pay someone to animate the muzzle flash of the guns.

You’d be much better off watching the Oscar Nominated Animated Shorts, which, despite being made up of 75% creepy puppets, still manage to be quite a bit more imaginative than their live-action counterparts. Both Festival Short collections are playing in selected cities throughout the week leading to the Oscars.

New music from The Raveonettes, Ben Lee, HDR, Approach and more

By Jeremy Azevedo

This February, CraveOnline’s got some great new songs available for download from virtually every genre you can think of. Check em’ out!

No seriously. Do it right now. Don’t you know that there are music starved people in other countries? You better download
every single song on your plate, young man/lady/manlady!

Approach is just about as gangster as one can be coming straight outta Kansas. On his new album, Approach works with top shelf collaborators like P.O.S. and Mac Lethal, producing hot electro-hop club bangers like “The Jar”.

The Jar (Intro)

Custom Made are a bunch of dudes with funny names. But there’s nothing funny about their music. 07 I See is reminiscent of some of that good old Mobb Deep shit, with tight flows and soulful backing jams, perfect for blasting obnoxiously loud in your car with the windows down in the summer.

07 I See

HMD’s song, “One Pursuit” is an epic cut that would make Kanye jealous. With an ear for classic rock samples and high-energy performance, HMD is bound to rise above many of the more conventional indie rappers in the game today.

One Pursuit

A veteran of the battle rap scene, Kaze (pronounced KAH-ZEE) has graduated from being an opening act for Common, G-Unit and Dead Prez to having his own album released on Rawkus in 2007.

Dynasty

Following in the footsteps of fellow singer songwriters in the mold of Ben Folds and John Mayer, Ben Lee is positioned to be one of your girlfriend’s favorite artists this year. But he likes Jay-Z, too, so he’s got that going for him.

What Would Jay-Z Do?

Hardcore thrash with a message is what screamo band Gwen Stacy brings to the table. Their name is probably a nod to deceased former Spider-Man girlfriend Gwen Stacy, something that may endear the band to all you comic book nerds out there.

The Path To Certainty

Grimy, whiskey slamming stoner rockers HDR don’t mess around with that pop shit. This is music to work on your motorcycle or pipe Suicide Girls to. Or both, if you’re one of those multi-tasker types.

Wide Open

The Helio Sequence couldn’t be more indie if they tried. Next time someone asks you for an example of what qualifies as indie rock these days, put on “Keep Your Eyes Ahead” and call it a day.

Keep Your Eyes Ahead

The Raveonettes new album, “Lust, Lust, Lust” is like a 1950s throw back, atmospheric, surf guitar meets Morrisey masterpiece. “Dead Sound” is a perfect representation of this, and definitely warrants a listen.

Dead Sound

Check back next month for more of the best free music on the web!

Actor Nick Nolte apparently wasted at a press junket.

By Jeremy Azevedo

Nick Nolte isn’t really known to be the soberest of individuals, but getting fall-down drunk before appearing at a press junket for a children’s movie is an all time low.

You’ve all seen the mug shots, now see it again live on video!

Anybody out there want to start a rehab/reality TV/death pool on the “Prince of Tides”?

Who will be this year’s Suicide Girls Homecoming Queen?!

Check out this video of on-set and behind the scenes footage from our Valentine’s Day shoot with the Suicide Girls…

Cool gifts for cool chicks at any price range!

By Jeremy Azevedo

We sat down with a handful of Suicide Girls to find out what gets their black hearts beating against their heavily tattooed chests for you this Valentine’s Day.

Check out the video here:

Need more last minute gift ideas? Not sure what to get or what to spend? CraveOnline and the Suicide Girls have got you covered. Read the rest of this entry →

“Project Chanology” coordinates worldwide attack for the lulz!

By Jeremy Azevedo

An epic win was achieved yesterday when members of Anonymous (who are legion and never forgive) mobilized IN REAL LIFE (!) against Scientology centers all over the globe.

In some cities, hundreds, even thousands of protesters showed up to, in their own words: “expose the greed, corruption, and general faggotry of the Church of Scientology to the world.”

Indeed.

Anonymous consists largely of 4chan members and Encyclopedia Dramatica editors, all of which are generally basement dwelling cynics with caustic wit, masterful comic timing and mad Photoshop skills that are personally responsible for about 90% of everything funny you see on the internetz. These hateful, bloodthirsty hackers are largely reluctant to be made into anyone’s personal army, but have come out into the open as one to fight the corruption of the Scientology cult at it’s own front door. This comes as the result of Scientologists attempting to censor and litigate against Anonymous for posting videos of Tom Cruise looking like a whacked out idiot, raving about Scientology.

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Tomcat acting the fool.

Normally, Anonymous is as quick to anger as they are to forget. But with all the media attention centered upon this unusual turn of events, it is unlikely that Anonymous will stop until they have squeezed every last drop of “lulz” from this situation, something that will certainly cause immeasurable harm to the Cult of Scientology. By picking a fight with Anonymous, Scientologists have opened a floodgate of terror that they can’t possibly compete with by doing that ridiculous “what are your crimes” bit that they do.

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What are your crimes?

Anonyomous knows exactly what Scientology’s crimes are, and isn’t shy about telling them so. Tax evasion, human rights violations, pseudo science and outright batshit craziness were all topics being discussed over megaphones by smarmy pricks in masks across from Scientology centers in dozens of major cities.

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The Anonymous message to Scientology.

According to anonymous, their main gripe against Scientology is that it charges obscene amounts of money from its practitioners, brainwashing them to soften the blow as they fleece their victims in exchange for “knowledge”. Hilariously, anonymous has not only overloaded or even shut down several Scientology servers, but has released material and literature that Scientologists would normally have to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars (lolwut) to obtain.

Anonymous, fighting the good fight.

Lulzy.

Read MOAR about “Project Chanology”

Read MOAR about Scientology

The absolute, unequivocal, worst that karaoke has to offer.

By Jeremy Azevedo

If you haven’t heard of and/or played “Singstar” in any of it’s various incarnations yet, you should know that it’s essentially the “Guitar Hero” of karaoke video games.

Which sounds kind of redundant now that there’s “Rock Band”, but that’s how it stands. Quality tracks (depending on your stylistic preferences), quality peripherals and quality presentation are all hallmarks of the Singstar brand.

Last year US karaoke enthusiasts were treated to an excellent collection of 80s tunes in the form of “Singstar 80s”. The songs on this collection were both challenging and fun, with great old pop songs like “Kids in America”, “You Spin Me Round (The Meatspin Song)” and “Who Can It Be Now”. Of course there are one or two stinkers on the list, but all in all, it cannot be said that the 80s were not a time of wild-eyed enthusiasm and musical experimentation. To it’s credit, “Singstar 80s” does a pretty good job of expressing the playful spirit of 80s pop music to the gamer.

MC Hammer: A crime against music, taste and fashion that we may never fully recover from.

The next logical step, of course, would be to release an all-90s edition. And unfortunately for the collective ear-holes of America, that’s exactly what Sony has gone and done. Having lived my teenage years in the 90s, I am painfully familiar with the decade in which pop music took a serious nosedive that it is still struggling to come back from. As bad as some of the music from previous eras was, it mostly manages to be remembered with relative fondness today. Not so with the “hits” of the 90s.

At best, some of these songs may be worth a laugh at a party, but most are absolutely cringe worthy. Have a look at the list of included songs and imagine yourself singing any of them:

Arrested Development - “Tennessee”
Boyz II Men - “Motownphilly”
Chumbawamba - “Tubthumping”
Color Me Badd - “I Wanna Sex You Up”
The Cranberries - “Zombie”
Divinyls - “I Touch Myself”
En Vogue - “Free Your Mind”
Extreme - “More Than Words”
Gin Blossoms - “Hey Jealousy”
Hootie And The Blowfish - “Only Wanna Be With You”
Jesus Jones - “Right Here Right Now”
Len - “Steal My Sunshine”
MC Hammer - “U Can’t Touch This”
Natalie Imbruglia - “Torn”
New Kids on the Block - “Step By Step”
Nirvana - “Lithium”
Paula Abdul - “Opposites Attract”
Poison - “Unskinny Bop”
R.E.M. - “Everybody Hurts”
Santana feat. Rob Thomas - “Smooth”
Savage Garden - “I Want You”
Seal - “Kiss From a Rose”
Sir Mix a Lot - “Baby Got Back”
Sixpence None The Richer - “Kiss Me”
Soundgarden - “Black Hole Sun”
Spin Doctors - “Two Princes”
Stone Temple Pilots - “Plush”
Technotronic feat. Felly - “Pump Up the Jam”
Vanilla Ice - “Ice Ice Baby”
Wilson Phillips - “Hold On”

Chumbawumba anyone? I would rather eat the computer that I’m writing this on than even so much as hear Len or Hootie and the Blowfish ever again, let alone sing along with them. And what’s with all the rap songs? As much as I like hip-hop, I’m a staunch believer that rapping is not karaoke in any way shape or form. I’m a purist of sorts.

If you added “Summer Love”, “Anything By Bon Jovi”, “Goldigger”, “My Heart Will Go On” and “Umbrella” to this track list, you’d pretty much have a laundry list of the most annoying songs ever warbled in a karaoke bar, ever. Anyone that thinks it would be fun to sing “Smooth” by Santana (feat. Rob Thomas) should be chemically castrated in order to ensure that music this bad never happens again.

Za-am-BEY, za-am-BEY, za-am BEY-EE, BEY-EE, BEY-EE!

The only thing I could even conceive of that would be worse than this would be “Singstar: Nu-Metal” featuring Creed, Korn, Staind, Limp Bizkit, Nickelback and Puddle of Mudd. Although, in all fairness, we did dodge a bullet by having several tracks removed or replaced from the International version. Check out this lit of horrors that were excluded from the US release:

All Saints - “Never Ever”
Aqua - “Barbie Girl”
B-52’s - “Love Shack”
Barenaked Ladies - “One Week”
Billy Ray Cyrus - “Achy Breaky Heart”
The Cardigans - “Lovefool”
Crash Test Dummies - “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm”
The Cure - “Friday I’m in Love”
Divinyls - “I Touch Myself”
EMF - “Unbelievable”
Lisa Loeb - “Stay”
M People - “Moving on Up”
Meredith Brooks - “Bitch”
Natalie Imbruglia - “Torn”
New Kids on the Block - “Step by Step”
Nick Cave & Kylie Minogue - “Where the Wild Roses Grow”
Radiohead - “Creep”
Roachford - “Only to be With You”
Spice Girls - “Wannabe”
Wet Wet Wet - “Love Is All Around”

It may be a small consolation, but at least we were spared The Spice Girls, Billy Ray Cyrus and The Crash Test Dummies.