Mongo Nation

No, it’s not about furries, bdsm or stamp collectors. I’m talking about competitive retro gamers. And among competitive retro gamers, few gaming records are held in as high esteem as those of Donkey Kong champion and notable prick bastard, Billy Mitchell.

Although the original plan was to make a documentary about gamers and their steadfast determination to set world records on various games, it soon became clear that the real story lie within Steve Wiebe, an outsider to the gaming scene that just so happens to be amazing at Donkey Kong. Steve Wiebe is such a nice guy, he has not idea that by chasing the DK record, he just so happens to be stepping on the toes of one Billy Mitchell, golden boy of the retro gaming scene.

The film’s hero, Steve Wiebe.

King of Kong takes a fascinating turn as the at first innocuous-seeming Billy Mitchell shows his true colors and becomes the Skeletor to Wiebe’s naïve He-Man. Mitchell is a plotter. Mitchell has minions. Mitchell uses his pull as poster child for the Twin Galaxies organization of retro gaming scorekeepers to thwart Steve Wiebe at every turn. But much to Billy Mitchell’s chagrin, Steve Wiebe stubbornly marches onward in his quest to dethrone his nemesis, setting into motion a conflict that sends ripples through the gaming community and resonates with audiences as a battle between good and evil in a way that no writer could have conceived of.

Famous nerd and sneaky asshole, Billy Mitchell.

Just to remind you, this is Donkey Kong we’re talking about here. It sounds silly, and it is, but I had a chance to meet with the film’s director, Seth Gordon and it’s star Steve Wiebe briefly at the DVD release party at an arcade in Westwood, Los Angeles. Both men have great sense of humor about the absurdity of the film’s premise, but stress that the drama is very real. Steve Wiebe is a genuinely nice guy that really does just happen to be very excellent at Donkey Kong and highly competitive. But not once does he ever resort to name calling when discussing Billy Mitchell, the villain of the film, who it is said has never even bothered to watch the film even once.

And just in case you don’t believe that nerds can be competitive or elitist, I can tell you from personal experience that walking into an arcade for a DVD release of a competitive gaming related movie is a harrowing experience. Shunned by nerds left and right, I couldn’t get a single person to race with me, shoot zombies/terrorists/ninjas with me, or battle me at Street Fighter. I felt like Steve Wiebe probably did the first time he walks into an arcade and gets looked at like some kind of invader. It’s a humbling experience. These people take this shit real serious, and it’s fascinating.

Twin Galaxies founder and sorta Manson-like, guru type dude Walter Day.

One last footnote: I saw Steve Wiebe and his wife at a movie theater last night, and pointed him out to my girlfriend, who also watched the film. She squealed “Oh my god WIEBE!” and ran out the door, embarrassed. My girlfriend isn’t much of a gamer, so the fact that she even watched King of Kong at all, let alone enjoyed it so much that she screamed like a twelve year that just saw Justin Timberlake upon noticing the film’s protagonist in public is a ringing endorsement for the film, let me tell you.

Steve Wiebe shows us how to kick ass at Donkey Kong:

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Rambo tearing out some guy’s throat for stealing his Hot Pocket out of the freezer.

I know, it’s hard to take a movie seriously that would use the song “Bodies (Let the Bodies Hit the Floor)” in the preview, but I assure you, the concepts of the military programming killers that are never deprogrammed, the inescapable horrors of war, and the futility of fighting the evils that men do vs. the indomitable human spirit and the desire to do good are all surprisingly well illustrated throughout the film.

A multicultural group of mercenaries in Burma that, inexplicably, all speak perfect English.

This is not to say that Rambo doesn’t have more than it’s fair share of mindless, dumb fun as well. A sign of a really great action movie is when you have to go to the bathroom like an hour into it (which of course I did thanks to the beers that were so graciously provided at the screening), but you never get a chance to because there isn’t ever a long enough moment of pause to justify leaving. I felt like the movie breezed right by. The mercenary characters, as well as the American missionaries were a little one-dimensional, but served their purpose well enough and acted out there parts to the best of their abilities.

Of course, the extreme level of violence and gore bears mentioning. Modern moviegoers have seen everything, and are difficult to shock… This movie will shock them. Rambo is so gratuitously violent that it will definitely stir up some controversy. Some will say that it’s over the top and cartoonish, while others will argue that it realistically depicts the repercussions of war and violence. That’s the thing about violence and Rambo. Violence is violent. War is gory. Rambo movies old and new have always tried to excite viewers while also reminding them that this is what really happens in other parts of the world, and it’s not pretty.

Rambo is so tough, he uses live cobras to hold up his pants.

If you’re a Grindhouse/Splatterhouse fan that only wants to see people get their throats ripped out and blasted into red mist by direct machine gun fire, you’ll love Rambo. If you liked movies like “Hotel Rwanda” or “The Thin Red Line” for the way they depicted the demoralizing horrors that occur under the radar of most of civilization during wartime, you’ll love Rambo. Even if you’re just one of those people that just wants to go laugh at Stallone for being old and dressing up like Rambo again like it’s his Halloween costume, you’ll love Rambo. Either way, I can’t imagine that anyone but the most stodgy and difficult-to-please critics (and those that are really offended by blood) will not be able to find something of merit to like about Rambo. It was one of the most fun and nostalgic send-offs I can remember in quite some time. Go see it.

LSDTV

While rumors of 3-D televisions have persisted for years, maybe even decades, there are those of us that are asking, “Just when the f**k can I buy one already?” Well, the answer is really “not any time soon, you impatient bastard”. But at least now you can get the next best thing: The LSDTV! The LSDTV doesn’t actually project an image of any kind, but it does secrete a hallucinogenic substance derived from psilocybin. Just lick your screen, sit back, and enjoy the show! You can be your very own programming director, and enjoy shows in full HD, 3-D, whatever. Talk to your favorite celebrities and dead relatives! The LSDTV gets every channel you can imagine, because it’s all in your imagination. So until 3-D TV really does become a reality, create your own reality with the LSDTV!

Colon Cam

Take the guesswork out of your bowel movements with the Colon Cam from Sony! The Colon Cam is about the size of a pill and can be comfortably inserted into the anus for extended periods of time. On one end of the device is a state-of-the-art infrared camera, and on the other, an iPod-enabled satellite signal device. An image of your colon is projected to your iPod or computer, so you can see potential problems coming before they ruin your day. Have a business meeting in twenty minutes but see a mudslide coming? Take a handful of Rolaids before it’s too late! Got a blockage about to bloat you up before your best friend’s wedding? Eat a bran muffin, problem solved. Visiting you girlfriend’s parents, but got a gerbil clawing its way to freedom? Better that you know now than during a fancy dinner. The Colon Cam is your early warning device for a better life, for you and your colon.

Unwanted Child Euthanizer

In America, we like to pretend that unwanted children are not the huge problem that they are in overpopulated places like China and India. But that doesn’t change the fact that children can be an annoying and costly burden. Got one too many? Give them the gift of oblivion with the Unwanted Child Euthanizer from Bandai. Although it is illegal in the US, through a complex legal loophole you can order the Unwanted Child Euthanizer online, just like you do with your painkillers! Your child will (maybe) experience hours of misleading fun before the fatal mechanism clicks into place and blows that hungry little bloodsucking mouth into the void. Also great for annoying nephews, nieces and neighbors!

Transforming Bike

Don’t you wish that your bicycle could turn into a killer robot? Or maybe even a car, so you don’t have to look like an idiotic child putzing around on a bicycle well into your thirties? Well the Transforming Bike doesn’t do either of those things, but it does transform into a comfy chair! The Transforming Chair would be great for people that have to ride their bike to work, except for the fact that people who do that probably couldn’t afford one, or else they probably would have bought, like, a used car or something. But assuming that they could, how cool would it be to transform your bike into a chair while you wait for the bus, or sit at your desk looking at YouTube videos all day, or whatever it is that you animals do for a living? The Transforming Bike comes in both Autobot and Decepticon varieties, and can be easily stored in your attic/basement or wherever when the novelty most certainly wears off.

Semen Blender

People are starving all over the world you know. Don’t be an ass and let perfectly good protein go to waste. Why spend hundreds of dollars a year on protein powder and health drinks when you can use the Semen Blender for pennies on the dollar? Simply add some ice, one of the six delicious flavor syrups that are included (banana, cucumber, pina colada, strawberry daiquiri, Thanksgiving dinner or chocolate pudding), 10cc of semen and blend. In just seconds you will have a creamy, frothy delight that is delicious and good for you! And don’t worry, nine out of ten homophobes agree, it’s totally not gay if it’s your own!

Truck Finger

Sometimes the effort of flipping off other motorists can be such a pain, it would be great if you could just push a button instead. Well now you can! The Truck Finger can be affixed to any red blooded American truck, right above your giant rubber bull testicles. An in-dash control system allows you to effortlessly tell other drivers how you feel with the press of a button. Give the guy who let you cut in a “Peace Sign”. Show that asshole that made you miss your exit “The Finger”. Make obscene gestures at the hot babe in the convertible without having to stop fondling yourself with your free hand! What’s more, the Truck Finger is fully customizable to be compatible with any regional hand signal dialect! Optional sound enhancement screams out “Git ‘er done!” every thirteen seconds for absolutely no goddamn reason.

USB Dog

Still stuck with the dog of yesterday? Drop that sucker off at the pound and get yourself a USB Dog, man’s new best friend. Why should you be content with a dog that can’t even retrieve your slippers, let alone transfer data from your office to your home computer, or store backups of your mp3s? The USB Dog can so all that and more. Why have a dog simply bring you the paper when you can have a dog that downloads and transfers files from every newspaper in the world right o your laptop or PDA? The USB Dog is truly the dog of tomorrow, he feeds on Wi-Fi signals, expels waste in the form of electrical discharge, and barks in a comical sounding Zarvox voice. Say goodbye to carpet stains and yappy, useless lap dogs forever with the USB Dog!

Xtreme Undergarments

Is your life too Xtreme to make time for bathroom breaks? Is your bear wrestling, shark punching and minefield motocross lifestyle too strenuous for ordinary adult diapers? You need Xtreme Undergarments, the only adult diapers that can withstand the load of a titan! Xtreme Undergarments keep your heiny dry even when you’re soaked head to toe in your own blood, or that of an unlucky velociraptor that had the misfortune of crossing your path. Xtreme Undergarments can take direct fire from most types of firearms, and even a direct hit from many class of improvised explosive devices. You would never piss your pants out of fear, but if you did, up to a gallon can be stored in a special codpiece reservoir that also makes you look like you have a huge dong. Bonus!

By Jeremy Azevedo

While I didn’t manage to make it to the Consumer Electronics Show this year, I did get to get to have a look at some of the amazing new devices that debuted there. Unfortunately, I was too lazy to read any of the descriptions that came along with them.

However, I felt that most of them were pretty self-explanatory, so following is my best guess at what some of these astounding new inventions actually do.

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Cat Translator

If you have two or more cats from different parts of the world, then you know how difficult it can for them to communicate in their various native tongues. Now, thanks to the Cat Translator, Little Paco can finally communicate to little Klaus just exactly what’s on his fuzzy little mind! The Cat Translator comes pre loaded with extensive vocabularies in English, German, Spanish, French, Italian, Arabic, Hindi, Hebrew, Mandarin, Japanese, LOL Cat and Meowlish. Miscommunication is the root cause of most feline disagreements. Bring peace to the Middle East of your home or apartment with the Cat Translator!

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USB Powered Anal Brush

Everybody knows how difficult it can be to really get a deep down cleaning in the colon. Sure, you could use a loofah or a sponge, but then you’ll never be able to use it anywhere else ever again. Think of the cost! Thank goodness that the good people at Sideways Smilebrite have introduced the USB Powered Anal Brush, a vibrating, multi speed scrubber that makes cleaning your stinkhole easy! The soft-bristled rotating heads remove debris, clean and disinfect, all the while releasing one of three pleasing scents from replaceable smell cartridges. Choose between Cherry, Vanilla or New Car Smell! Your ass crack will be clean enough to eat off of in no time. Great for home or the office!

Home Brain Surgery Kit

Insurance these days can be prohibitively expensive. And even if you do manage to get to a doctor, you’d be surprised how inept some of them can be, or how little your insurance actually covers. So what is one to do about those pesky brain tumors caused by years of strapping a cell phone directly to one’s face for hours at a time, day after day? King’s Idea has the solution. Introducing the Home Brain Surgery Kit! The HBSK is a unique device that incorporates a periscope-like camera with a high-powered surgical laser. Simply use the camera to locate the cancerous mass, aim, and fire away! Be careful not to overdo it, it you may run the risk of accidentally lobotomizing yourself!

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Inflatable Rims

Having shiny, expensive rims is cool and everything, but what about those of us that live in wet, rainy, hurricane-prone environments? LED flashing, sparkling metal rims can short circuit and rust, making your car look sad and broke instead of mad stoked. Why not get yourself some Inflatable Rims? Inflatable Rims look tight, are functional, and turn heads with their rugged sex appeal when fully engorged. Don’t get stuck with some lame, limp rims when you can get pumped up with Inflatable Rims and hydroplane through a sea of tasty babes, who, as we all know are totally into, like, cars and rims and stuff. It’s like, on the cover of Cosmo every month, right?

Crab Vacuum

Tired of sexually transmitted microorganisms ruining your day by making you itch like a flea-ridden dog in the middle of summer? Use the Crab Vacuum to suck those little buggers into oblivion! The Crab Vacuum is just as effective as topical creams and antibiotics, but 100 times more fun. Even better, powerful blades puree the crabs into a fine paste, which can then be spread onto crackers or baked into mini crab cakes for additional enjoyment!

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Hamster Operated Battery

When the power goes out, you can light candles like some kind of idiot, or use an expensive and noise polluting generator, like a moron. Or you can do what granddad did, and exploit animals to do your bidding! The Hamster Operated Battery is powered by a hamster, which once locked into the wheel, can never stop running. Your fuzzy little buddy can generate enough electricity to power a 900 square foot apartment for up to twelve hours, which is about how long it will take for him to drop dead from exhaustion. But don’t worry! Replacement hamsters are readily available for very little cost at our local pet shop. Just don’t house to many of them together, or they will go all Highlander on you, devouring one another until only one survives.

Wooden TV

What with the writer’s strike going on and everything, it’s not like there’s anything to watch anyway. Why not sell your $10,000, 75 inch plasma screen TV, spend $9,750 of it on hookers and blow, and use the remaining $250 to build a smart, aesthetically pleasing modular cherry wood TV and entertainment center from Ikea? The Wooden TV looks great, gives your home a kitchy, old-timey feel, and has a large enough display to nail a picture of your favorite show to stare at for a half an hour. No commercials! If you’re really lazy, get a crossbow so that you can “change the channel” by nailing up new pictures from across the room!

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Hover Chair

Being crippled has never been so much fun! The Hover Chair from Xaviar Laboratories hovers 3 feet off of the ground and moves at a top speed of fifteen miles an hour! Stock accessories include a seat belt, seat warmer, built in phone and GPS device, and a bitchen stereo with subwoofers that can peel paint off the wall at twenty paces! You may even want to pretend to be crippled just so you could rock a Hover Chair, and always skip to the end of the line at amusement parks! But that would make you an asshole and a fraud. No seriously, you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking about it.

Check back later in the week for more cool gadgets!

#10 - Doom

I always find it strange when someone adapts a video game with really only one central, core plot point, and then eliminates that one thing altogether. For some reason, Doom takes this approach, eschewing the “demons escaping from hell” plot in favor of something more akin to “28 Days Later” on a space station. It didn’t work for Hellraiser, it didn’t work for Jason, and it doesn’t work for Doom. Rock or no Rock, nobody gives a crap about monsters in space unless they are Aliens and/or Predators. And so, what could have been the poor man’s “Event Horizon” with machine guns degenerates into a long volley of jokes about taking dumps, interrupted by the occasional laser blast.

Illustrative quotes:

Corporal Dean Portman: I gotta take a dump.
Destroyer: What? Now?
Corporal Dean Portman: Unless you want me shitting my pants right here.

Pinky: Portman, I got floor and wall on your gun cam.
Corporal Dean Portman: I’m taking a shit, you fucking gimp.

Sarge: [after pulling Portman out of the water] Portman, what the hell happened?
Corporal Dean Portman: I fell in the damn hole.

The Rock, trying to figure out how to apply “The Rock Bottom” to an inanimate object.

If this fails to convince you that this movie is craptastic, allow me to inform you that part of the movie was shot in first person. Just like the game. So instead of playing the game, you can sit passively and watch it. Which is even stupider than almost anything I can think of.

#9 - Bloodrayne

Ah, Uwe Boll. As I’m sure you all can guess, we’ll be seeing a lot of Mr. Boll here on this here list. Bloodrayne is of particular note for bringing together a talented list of actors, writers and filmmakers to produce a real steaming turd of a movie. Read this quote aloud to yourself in a crappy fake accent and I think you will get the gist:

Rayne (Kristanna Loken): I will sooner rot in your dungeon than dine at your table!
Kagan (Ben Kingsly): Ungrateful bitch.

Ladies and gentlemen, Oscar winner Sir Ben Kingsly!

Two prostitutes pretending to swordfight with crappy plastic swords.

If you really, really liked “Blade”, or have an overwhelming desire to sit through an entire movie to see Kristanna Loken’s tits once, than by all means, give Bloodrayne a watch. But everyone else should steer far clear of this career-damaging nightmare of a movie.

#8 - Wing Commander

Wing Commander may well be one of the dorkiest video game franchises in history, and the subsequent movie hasn’t done it any favors. The plot reads like a bad L. Ron Hubbard novel, with a rag-tag group of ace combat pilots going into battle with a feline race of aliens called “Kilrathi” hell bent on destroying the universe for some unknown reason. Of course the only people that can save us all are Freddie Prinze Jr. and his friends, who operate their ships as if they were nautical vessels, despite the fact that they are in the directionless vacuum of space. All the while treating us with such moving dialogue as the following quote:

Forbes: You’ve got balls.
Maniac: You should see ‘em.
Forbes: Mine are bigger.
Maniac: I’ve been told size doesn’t matter.
Forbes: She lied.

No, you can not haz.

Oh, snap! That’s one hell of a zinger, writer turned shitty movie producer Chris Roberts must have been at Starbucks all day writing that little gem!

#7 - Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

May as well have been a montage of Angelina Jolie’s tits bobbing and dangling about in slow motion. Actually, it sort of was. Tits that were enhanced by special effects to be even larger than they already were, if you can believe that. Which apparently left little budget for anything else. What we were promised was a modernized Indiana Jones with a sexy star, but what we got was a mixed up Hardy Boys mystery with bad accents and lamely choreographed gunplay. I won’t even mention the even worse sequel, but I will provide the requisite embarrassing quote:

Bryce: Me bum’s gone to sleep again, all down the left cheek.
Lara Croft: Really? That’s fascinating.

I don’t even know/care which Tomb Raider movie this image is from.

Hey, that one’s actually kinda funny… But the movie is still horseshit! If you really wanna see Lara Croft’s melons, download the “Nude Raider” patch. And if you really wanna see Angelina Jolie’s jugs, there’s always “Gia”!

#6 - House of the Dead

This movie is so bad, picking on it is almost like shooting bottle rockets at a retard in a broken wheelchair. It almost makes you feel like some kinda jerk for doing it. Almost. But then you read some quotes like these and it all seems funny again:

Rudy: You did all this to become immortal. Why?
Castillo: To live forever!

Rudy: We finally got to the boat but it wasn’t there.

Alicia: Guys, check out this book. Looks pretty old, maybe it’ll help us!

Simon: What’re we going to do? We don’t have weapons or food. We don’t have shit!
Capt. Victor Kirk: Actually, we do.

I didn’t know there were graveyards/ninja swords/plastic surgeons on desert islands!

So many bad quotes, I almost don’t know where to begin attacking this one. Sure, the movie’s low budge, with no name actors and all. But nothing can excuse the shitty premise and shoddy editing running rampant in this stinker. Apparently there have been rave-music hating pirate zombies right off the coast of Seattle for a couple hundred years now. Or something. The action is so bad, the editor actually cuts in clips of actual gameplay from the game itself, I guess as some sort of misguided attempt to remind viewers of the source material. Thanks again, Uwe Boll! I believe in god even less every time someone pays you to make another goddamn movie!

#5 - Street Fighter: The Movie

Now here’s a movie that almost falls into the “so-bad-it’s-good” category, except for the fact that it’s dumber than a busload of reality TV show contestants. At least Mortal Kombat, another reprehensible movie based on a fighting game, actually took place at a fighting tournament. Street Fighter fails to even get this right, opting instead to struggle to find some cockamamie reason for a dozen or more totally unrelated characters to come together at various times and fight one another. The fact that the lead actor, Jean-Claude Van Damme can barely speak English doesn’t help matters any.

I shit you not, the actors in the movie really look like this.

Some would say that it is a crime against all that is holy that Street Fighter was Raul Julia’s last film. I don’t know if I agree, as the only thing I can honestly remember him being in was the Addams Family movie. Big deal. But seriously, this movie sucks. The best thing about Street Fighter: The Movie? It has the distinction of having spawned what is, to my knowledge, the only video based on a movie based on a video game, ever. This little game tape is known as “Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game”, and inexplicably, looks and plays just like Mortal Kombat.

Um… okay.

Awesome quote:

[Solemnly, in a thick accent of indeterminate origin]
Colonel William F. Guile: Troopers, I just received new orders. Our superiors say the war is cancelled. We can all go home. Bison is getting paid off for his crimes, and our friends who have died here will have died for nothing. But, we can all go home. Meanwhile, ideals like peace, freedom, and justice, they get packed up. But, we can all go home.
[Angrily]
Colonel William F. Guile: Well, I’m not going home. I’m gonna get on my boat, and I’m going up river, and I’m going to kick that son of a bitch Bison’s ass so hard that the next Bison wannabe is gonna feel it! Now, who wants to go home… and who wants to go with me?
[The troopers cheer]

What? The war is cancelled? Dang! I wanted to kick ass off the payroll, and put my life in danger in order to teach some guy I’ve never heard of a lesson!

#4 - DOA: Dead or Alive

DOA is kind of like a combination of all the things that were stupid about Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat and Tomb Raider, much like the game upon which the movie was based. DOA is one of those films that young boys rent when they are not old enough to graduate to hardcore porn, one of those late night, soft-core B movies that have the maximum amount of hard nipples, jiggly fake tits and gratuitous panty/and/or camel toe shots possible whilst still retaining a PG-13 rating.

Long, awkward exchange you would think was written by a 12 year old:

Bass: Tina! It’s showtime!
Tina Armstrong: Dad! Not now I’m in my underwear.
Christie Allen: Which I hate. Why you can’t just sleep in the nude like me I’ll never know.
Bass: Oh my god.
Tina Armstrong: No Dad, she’s just another fighter. We’re just sleeping together.
Bass: Yeah I can see that.
Tina Armstrong: No. I mean we’re not sleeping together. We’re just… sleeping.
Bass: Seems to me like my baby girl’s found a special friend. We’ll settle it tomorrow, sweetie. Nice to meet you miss.
Christie Allen: Oh it’s Christie.
Bass: Tina’s real name’s Christina!
Tina Armstrong: Dad!
Tina Armstrong: Thanks a lot, bitch.
Christie Allen: Save your strength sweetheart, big day tomorrow fighting daddy.

This is why Jaime Pressly can no longer sleep the sleep of the innocent.

So horribly bad, you’d think this movie would never see release, but then you’d be underestimating America’s sexually repressed desire to be titillated by sophomoric and juvenile sex and violence. Watching this movie is like watching one of those WWE women’s wrestling matches in which the women can neither wrestle nor act, but are so scantily clad that you continue watching in hope of catching a nipple slip or glimpse of sideways smile that never, ever comes.

#3 - Alone in the Dark

Alone in the dark is considered by many to be not only one of the worst video game movies ever made, but also one of the worst movies of any kind, period. All you really need to know is that Tara Reid is cast as a genius archaeologist who is also a marksman with various firearms. Tara Reid, the actress best known for having her tits pop out at red carpet events. Uwe Boll has obviously sold his soul to the devil, as there is a sequel already in development as we speak, despite horrible box office performance and terrible, hateful reviews by nearly every living person that ever had the misfortune of seeing this film. Christian Slater’s career, however, may never recover.

Who are Tara Reid and Christian Slater going to have to blow to get this one stricken from their record?

Lines Christian Slater delivers with a straight face throughout the course of this movie:

Edward Carnby: Being afraid of the dark is what keeps most of us alive.

Edward Carnby: Fear is what protects you from the things you don’t believe in.

Edward Carnby: I learned the truth a long time ago. Just because you can’t see something, doesn’t mean it can’t kill you.

#2 - Double Dragon

You know your movie is in trouble when David Hasselhoff backs out due to a scheduling conflict with a series of air conditioner commercials. Double Dragon, starring Scott Wolf, Mark Dacascos Alyssa Milano and Robert Patrick, is so retarded, you need to wear a helmet when you watch it. The plot details some asshole’s plot to “take over the city”, whatever that means, and two losers’ valiant effort to thwart him. Much karate ensues, peppered with clever lines such as this:

Smartass Mohawk: I can see you!
Jimmy Lee: Now you can’t!
[Shoves Broom in eyehole]

Now I understand that Double Dragon comes from a simpler time in which it was often enough for an action movie to throw out a couple of karate chops here and there and call it a day. But this movie came out nearly ten years after “Big Trouble in Little China”, and almost five years after “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, and managed to copy the “hopeless, crime ridden future with mystical eastern undertones” look, without retaining any of the great action, characterization, fun or spirit of those films.

For those of you who weren’t born yet, the 80s pretty much looked just like this.

Double Dragon is nearly the worst video game movie ever made, but is worth seeing, if for no other reason, than to marvel at the ever-naïve vision held by so many filmmakers in the 80s and early 90s that gangs would one day take over the major cities of America, not with guns, or drugs, but with karate and magic. I wish we could believe that to be true today, but movies today project a much bleaker view of the coming post-apocalypse. Usually involving some kind of zombies. And I never saw a zombie that could do bitchen’ karate.

#1 - Super Mario Bros.

A sick, sad debacle that pleases no one and offends everyone else, Super Mario Bros. takes a beloved franchise, ripe with wonder, color and character, and destroys it so thoroughly that a second attempt never was and most likely never will be made at rectifying the mistake. Despite having Bob Hoskins, john Leguizamo and Dennis Hopper in the cast, Super Mario Bros. manages to get nearly everything wrong, turning everything into a dark and dreary abortion that has nothing to do with the spirit of the game that changed the video game landscape forever.

The plot has something to do with dinosaurs being separated into another dimension by a magic meteor and then evolving into people-like creatures or some such nonsense, but it hardly matters, it’s too great of a strain on the viewer to pay attention long enough to care anyway. Not that the original game’s story is any better, mind you, it just had a certain timeless charm to it that lost it’s appeal by being thrust into the real world, much like “He-Man: Masters of the Universe” some years before it.

Why yes, that is Dennis Hopper, surrounded by muppets, wielding a Super Scope.

Just about the only good thing about the Mario Bros. movie is that it clears up the question of Mario and Luigi’s last name rather succinctly, a subject Nintendo had been dancing around for years:

Desk Sergeant: Name.
Mario: Mario.
Desk Sergeant: Last name.
Mario: Mario.
Desk Sergeant: And you?
Luigi: Luigi.
Desk Sergeant: Luigi Luigi?
Luigi: No, Luigi Mario.
Desk Sergeant: Okay how many Marios are there between the two of you?
Luigi: Three: Mario Mario and Luigi Mario.