Mongo Nation

Humiliating Relationship Stories As Told By Self-Loathing Comedians!

By Jeremy Azevedo

Things I’ve Learned From Woman Who’ve Dumped me is a new book, edited by Ben Karlin, that attempts to put a humorous spin on the soul-crushing topics of unrequited love, rejection and failed relationships.

This is not like some kind of bullcrap self-help book like the title may suggest, but more like a collection of very honest and amusing short stories from various authors. The exaggerated autobiographical style employed most frequently here is reminiscent of Dave Eggers “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius”, a long-form stand up comedy routine in written form, minus (most of) the dick jokes.

Ben Karlin is best known for his work producing the Daily Show and the Colbert Report, and has assembled an excellent group of writers to submit their own little slice of life accounts of relationships gone awry. The stories within can range from the utterly humiliating (Matt Goodman’s “Being Awkward Can Be a Prophylactic Against Dry Humping”) to the obscenely melancholy (Bob Kerry’s “Sometimes You Find a Lost Love, Sometimes You Don’t). None of these stories (save for maybe one or two) venture into cry-for-help territory, thankfully.

Not a scene from this particular book, but may as well be.

My favorites are those that manage to be both sad and funny, like the stories submitted by Will Forte (Beware of Math Tutors Who Ride Motorcycles) and Damian Kulash (A Dog Is No Reason to Stay Together). These are the type of stories that most of us can relate to, stories about that first naïve relationship in which we all got our ass handed to use at least once. There are also genuinely funny stories too, like David Wain’s play about the futility of persistence or Bob Odenkirk’s mini seminar “Nine Years Is the Exact Right Amount of Time to Be in a Bad Relationship”.

There are one or two authors that maybe didn’t understand the assignment and either used this book as therapy like Andy Selsberg or a place to brag about their conquests like Todd Hanson. But for the most part these stories breeze right by, sometimes confronting you with some uncomfortable memories but at the same time giving you reason to laugh at them. Any guy who’s ever been in a particularly nasty relationship, or any woman who wants to know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of the dreaded pussy whip would surely have an enjoyable time reading “Things I’ve Learned From Women Who’ve Dumped Me”.

Ten fascinating stories about crocodile celebrities!

By Jeremy Azevedo

Like the dinosaurs from which they barely evolved, these massive creatures with their tiny reptile brains are concerned with nothing more than feeding, and anything or anyone is fair game.

Lake Placid 2

Lake Placid is a place that breeds horror, this time not just two but four giant, 30 foot, bloodthirsty crocodiles that are living embodiments of all that mankind fears about this ancient creature.

A monstrous crocodile chows down on some tasty people meat.

After two 30 foot prehistoric crocodiles are killed, a new group gathers to kill the four carnivorous offspring of the original crocodiles. Instead of the investigative team from the first Lake Placid film, the gigantic Crocs now have to contend with the local sheriff, an EPA agent, a Fish and Wildlife agent and a big game hunter. Croc-Tastic!

Holy crap!

Native to Burundi, along the coast of the Rusizi River, Gustave is believed to be the largest crocodile in Africa. Known to be a man-eater, Gustave is rumored to have devoured more than 300 local villagers. Covered in scars caused by bullets, spears and god knows what else, Gustave has evaded capture for at least sixty-five years. Too large (allegedly 20 feet in length, weighing 1 ton) to even bother with fish and other such puny animals, Gustave’s diet consists of wildebeest, zebras and people.

Wally Gator

I’d venture to guess that there’s some improper workplace interaction going on here.

Wally Gator was essentially an alligator version of Yogi Bear only instead of living in a wildlife preserve he lived in a zoo. And instead of a park ranger, he terrorized a zookeeper. He enjoyed waterskiing and getting blotto on fancy Caribbean cocktails, and he wore a sweet hat. Wally Gator was also a pioneer of inappropriate cartoon attire, often seen wearing nothing more than the aforementioned hat, a starchy white collar, and shirt cuffs. Like a reptilian Chip n’ Dale dancer.

Grandpa Simpson vs. the legendary Sewer Gator.

Remember those urban legends you used to hear as a kid about families getting an alligator as a pet, and then, when it gets too big to take care of or bites their goddamn finger off or something, they flush it down the toilet? And then they grow up in the sewers, eating rats and turning albino in the dark depths of human filth, before rising up and attacking the streets like scaly, 10 ft. long Jack the Rippers? Remember when Ben Seaver made a sweet stop-motion animation movie about it for class on Growing Pains? That was awesome. And his best friend’s name was “Boner”? Ha ha, that was funny. Boner. Heh. What were we talking about again?

Reggie the Alligator

From his reality show: “Reggie and the Rock of American Rehab Love”.

Reggie is like the Houdini of alligators. Raised in captivity, Reggie escaped and turned up in 2005 at Machado Lake in Harbor City California. Reggie somehow managed to elude capture for TWO YEARS before taking his act on the road and posting up at the public park in South Bay, Los Angeles. Reggie was eventually apprehended and brought to the Los Angeles Zoo, from which he disappeared from yet AGAIN a few months later. Thankfully, the little rapscallion was re-captured and has since been happily residing there, plotting his next great escape.

Tick-Tock, gleefully frightening children at Disneyland because they’re annoying and never shut the hell up at movies.

Captain Hook is one of the greatest villains ever created. He’s a child killing, alcoholic, suicidal, hook handed, homicidal maniac pirate. But there is one creature that even Captain Hook fears like a boy band member fears Lou Pearlman. The crocodile that took Hook’s hand took with it a watch that gives off a distinctive tone, one that stops even the king of the pirates in his tracks. It’s rumored that the very same alligator was the inspiration for the one that took golf pro Chubbs Peterson’s hand in “Happy Gilmore”. Was it simply a coincidence or something far more sinister? Was it the first in a string of many copycat behandings to come, perhaps? Probably not, both of those movies are fictional, dumbass.

Elvis (Miami Vice)

Crocket and Tubbs action figures with action gator, guns, and… George Foreman Grill?

Elvis was the pet of Detective James “Sonny” Crockett on Miami Vice. Elvis lived on Crockett’s sailboat, and nearly bit Crockett’s partner Tubbs’ ass off at the end of virtually every episode. After the show ended, Elvis went into a downward spiral of drugs and prostitution, eventually seeking to the all-time low of performing hand-jobs for Crack rocks in the seedy waterways of Dade County, Florida. Elvis has since cleaned up his act, started a lucrative real estate business, found God or Xenu or whatever and will be appearing on the next season of “The Surreal Life” with John Oates, Ralph Macchio, Daisy Fuentes and Magilla Gorilla.

The last remaining photograph of Chauncey Chocodile known to man.

Chauncey was once the mascot for the delicious Hostess snack cake known as the “Chocodile”. Sadly, the popularity of the Chocodile has waned in recent years, as has the popularity of cartoon mascots. As a result, Chauncey Chocodile will have been retired to the vault of advertising obscurity along with the likes of the Frito Bandito, Count Chocula and Chief Knockahoma. And good luck finding a Chocodile these days!

Killer Croc

Batman and Killer Croc enjoying that awkward first date kiss.

Killer Croc is probably the only Batman villain not to appear in any movie. Infected with some kinda crazy disease that makes him grow progressively more croc-like, he does what anyone in a similar position would do: Go on a crime spree. Thankfully, there will always be men that pretend to be bats around to put a stop to men that are half alligator when the chips are down. And when a batman really loves an alligator man, they get married and do a special kind of hug. Nine months later, a man pretending to be a stork or maybe crossed with a stork’s DNA brings a miracle in through the window! This is how babies that grow up to be furries are made.

This is why Florida is awesome, in case you were wondering.

Now that Gomek (the previous record holder) has recently kicked the bucket, the title of “largest alligator in captivity” has been passed on to Superman, star attraction at the St. Augustine Alligator Farm in Florida. I have had the honor of being personally acquainted with Superman, and I can tell you that this is no joke. The thing is like the size of a car, and can probably eat a water buffalo in one bite. That an overweight, shirtless man would ever conceive of wrestling such a creature defies belief, and yet, this continues to go on in places where stupid people procreate all across the world. Maybe alligators aren’t as tough as they look, or maybe it’s a higher being’s way of thinning out the herd, but I have a hard time believing that the second explanation doesn’t hold true.

I really hope that this is for some kind of school play or something. Seriously.

Just look at him! Fierce.

Check out Lake Placid 2 on DVD January 29 for more scary crocodile goodness!

Slug and Ant release a free album online

By Jeremy Azevedo

Atmosphere may not get as much press for this as Radiohead did a few months back, but for indie rap fans, Atmosphere is one of the biggest artists in the game, and the unannounced arrival of a totally free album from out of nowhere is a pretty big deal.

And for those of you assholes that are habitual music downloaders and to whom all albums are free, it’s still nice to be able to sleep a little easier at night for once, wouldn’t you say?

Strictly Leakage is essentially a “thank you” to Atmosphere’s fans and supporters, but it is certainly no collection of cast off b-sides and outtakes. This album stands on it’s own as a cohesive whole, and while it isn’t a grand departure from the usual introspective everyman jams set to dancy, breakdown beats that Atmosphere is known for, who ever said that’s a bad thing? Slug and Ant have perfected a style that sets them above and apart from the rest of the scene, and I would hate to see the formula unravel under the guise of “evolution”.

How to look hard at the trailer park.

The thing that makes Atmosphere so great is the way Slug rides his honest, eloquent slice-of-life tirades on the flow of Ant’s incredibly bouncy and fun rhythms. The two are particularly on point on the tracks “The Things That Hate Us”, about the love/hate relationship we all have with the things that are the most harmful to us, and “Domestic Dog” about picking up chicks at the grocery store.

I can’t express strongly enough how important it is that all these songs are actually about something, one of the things most hip hop albums fail to achieve. It’s consistently refreshing to hear a rapper express an opinion about something or attempt to convey a specific point rather than simply rap about how good of a rapper he is, or how stoned he gets, or how much he likes tits or how many nonsensical big words he can make rhyme in a single sentence or some other such played out bullshit.

Strictly Leakage is a party album, so don’t expect a lot of songs in which Slug bitches about his failed and destructive relationships with women. But don’t worry, he makes up for the lack of negativity by taking plenty of playful jabs at his fellow rap scenesters. Don’t sleep on this, if you’re a fan of Atmosphere or if you’re just curious what all the hype is about, go to http://www.rhymesayers.com/atmosphere/ and download the album right now.

DVD premiere of one of the years most compelling documentaries.

By Jeremy Azevedo

“King of Kong” is Seth Gordon’s fascinating documentary about an underground culture that many people are probably unaware of.

Great action film or greatest action film?

By Jeremy Azevedo

Something many people forget about the first Rambo film was that there were serious undertones behind the comically extreme violence and frequent explosions.

This may not have been quite as prevalent in later films, but the fourth and final Rambo film, soon to hit theaters, is somewhat of a return to form. The new Rambo is a natural evolution of the action film as required by a new audience that is both more sophisticated and also more bloodthirsty than audiences were 20 years ago.

Rambo tearing out some guy’s throat for stealing his Hot Pocket out of the freezer.

Obviously it’s very difficult to revisit a character as iconic as Rambo after a nearly twenty-year absence. Some people will want straightforward action and others will expect a more mature handling of the subject matter. The new Rambo does a little of both. It offered the requisite thrills from start to finish while at the same time raising awareness of the civil war and child soldiering problems that are occurring in Burma, and that do, in fact, go largely unreported.