Alternative Holiday Movies
Sick to Death of “A Christmas Story”? Me too.
Every year it’s the same thing. “Christmas Story”. “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”. Garfield and Charlie Brown. That annoying Tim Burton movie with the sucky puppets that goth nerds think is so great. It makes me want to puke my eggnog down the front of my festive holiday sweater.
Pissed because he’s the only one that wore an ugly sweater to the “ugly holiday sweater party”
Now I’m not saying that I dislike Christmas movies or anything, I’m just saying that it’s about time for something new. And so it pleases me greatly to present to you a list of twelve alternative holiday movies, some of which I’m sure you are already familiar with, some of which you may not be, and some of which aren’t technically Christmas movies at all, but do take place on or around Christmas. Enjoy!
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Black Christmas
These girls are smart, they practice the Buddy System!
First off is a Holiday horror film in the vein of such classics as “Silent Night Deadly Night”. Black Christmas is a modern remake of an early slasher in which a deranged killer dresses like Santa and butchers a house full of sexy sorority girls during Christmas break. Of course, in typical 80’s slasher fashion, there are abundant shower and sex scenes that of course always end with naked fitness models splashing blood all over the goddamn place.
Just don’t ask where the carrot went. You’re better off not knowing.
Speaking of shower scenes, how about one in which a hot girl (Shannon Elizabeth!) gets murdered by a killer snowman wielding a carrot nose? Not to be confused with the sucky Michael Keaton movie that came out a couple of years after this, Jack Frost is like the “China Town” of homicidal snowman movies. NOT TO BE MISSED.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: The Ref
Dennis Leary, back when it was cool to wear all black and sneer all the time.
In this heartwarming family film, a cat burglar (Dennis Leary) is forced to take a couple (Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis) hostage after a botched home invasion. Somehow the robber gets roped into mediating family disputes between the couple and their extended family, all the while dropping more F-bombs than Scarface.
A screaming baby about to be devoured whole by a hungry, homeless transvestite.
In Japan, it’s customary to make animated movies for adults that make little or no attempt to appeal to young children. As a hater of children and a lover of animation, this is enough reason for me to recommend this excellent film. In “Tokyo Godfathers”, three homeless bums (one of which is a freaky transvestite) find a baby abandoned in the trash and embark on an adventure to find its parents. Obviously, hilarity then ensues, although don’t be surprised if you sorta cry a little at the end of it (not that I did, I’m just saying).
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Very Very Bad Santa
Ron Jeremy, being a jerk and opening his presents early.
Not a creature was stirring, except for a Hedgehog. Make sure you’ve been good enough all year that watching this film so close to Jesus’ birthday won’t push you right over the edge onto the naughty list. In this holiday classic, Ron Jeremy stars as Santa, who saves Christmas by plowing chicks dressed like elves and reindeer, entering several chimneys and eating quite a few cookies along the way.
McClane: “Mom! Dad! Look! Santa brought me a machine gun for Christmas!”
Why not? While this is not exactly a Christmas movie, it does in fact take place on Christmas Eve. There’s even a holiday party and everything. But once that’s out of the way, you’re left with one of the finest action movies ever made, in which John McClane has just hours to put twelve German terrorists on ice. That’s right, twelve German terrorists, twelve days of Christmas: see how it all ties together?
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Santa’s Slay
If you only see one murderous viking demon Santa movie this year, let it be this one.
Wrestler Bill Goldberg stars as Santa, who for some reason is re-imagined here as a Viking demon from hell forced to do good deeds after losing a curling match to an angel 1,000 years ago. But once the debt has been paid, Santa is again free to wreak holiday havoc on the general populace. Of course this entails explosive presents, candy cane stabbings, and awesomnisity of that nature. Good stuff.
Bill Murray and a ghost enjoying the magic of bubbles.
Ah, we’re now starting to find ourselves in more familiar territory. “Scrooged” is a movie that is usually on cable throughout the month of December, but is often overlooked for some reason. For those who don’t know, “Scrooged” is a take off on the Dickens “Christmas Carol” in which Murray plays an asshole TV executive that is visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future. Trust me, you’ll be pleasantly surprised by this one, unless you’re some kind of un-American donkey rapist that hates Bill Murray and Christmas or something.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Gremlins
Mogwai, practicing to join the latest ironic 80s throwback hipster band on keys.
Again, not technically a Christmas movie, but takes place on Christmas. Like some of your wives and girlfriends out there, Mogwai is a cute and cuddly creature that spontaneously gives birth to demonic creatures at the slightest provocation. Young Billy learns this lesson the hard way after his new pet multiplies and he spends the next two hours getting pwned by scaly green monsters with shitty attitudes.
I guess Chewbacca is dressed like some kinda Wookie Santa Claus, only instead of elves, he has bad actors,and instead of toys, they make money.
“The Star Wars Holiday Special” is a great example of how stupid everything was in the 70’s and 80’s. The plot revolves around Chewbacca’s struggle to outfox the Empire and reach the Wookie planet Kahyyyk so he can celebrate “Life Day” with his hairy brethren. Much bad acting and embarrassingly obvious product shilling ensues. Even by today’s declining standards, this show ranks as one of the worst examples of “variety television” ever broadcasted, despite the inclusion of a crudely animated Boba Fett cartoon that Star Wars nerds have been stroking it to for over twenty-five years now. Of course all this badness, combined with the universally recognized Star Wars license equals massive amounts of unintentional laughter on the part of you, the lucky viewer.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Elf
Will Ferrell putting his retard act to good use for once.
My second favorite holiday movie ever, and the best film Will Ferrell will ever make, unless he plays a full on retard at some point in the near future. Ferrell’s whole shtick revolves around saying stupid shit while making a blank, expressionless face that expresses perfect naivety. What better role for him then, but to play a human raised by Santa’s elves that returns to New York to meet his birth father? Every single line, every bit of body language from this guy is 100% committed to the insane premise. “Elf” is nowhere near as dark as many of the other films on this list, so if you’re a big vagina and are afraid to watch any of the others, at least watch this one.
Thurman Merman, breakout child star of Bad Santa and future drug abusing alcoholic.
Now this movie, this is the darkest holiday movie that I have ever seen, and also the best. I realize that Billy Bob is kind of hard to forgive for all the shitty movies he keeps making, and the terrible music and all of that. But put that all out of your mind and take a look at a rare film that manages to be very funny, very crass, very genuine, very cruel, very hopeless and very uplifting all at the same time. “Bad Santa” is a film that examines what the holidays are really about. It’s not all about family and presents and cheer, it’s about another crappy year coming to an end, and man’s struggle to look within himself and say “How am I gonna get my sorry shit together and make it through another year?” It’s also about punching bullies in the dick, taking advantage of the dimwitted and why midgets are such mean little bastards, and it’s the little details like that which really make the whole experience special.
Happy Holidays!
Not 100% certain, but this appears to be the Ultimate Warrior saving Christmas by beating up a giant, hairy, purple octopus.
