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Archive for December, 2007

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2007 CraveOnline.com Hype Awards 0

Posted on December 27, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

CraveOnline runs down the most and least hyped of 2007.

Welcome to the CraveOnline Hype Awards for 2007! After spending another year being force-fed the same bland garbage while quality and substance are buried beneath the rubble, it’s time to set the record straight. Here you’ll find picks for the year’s most over and under-hyped movies, music, comics, and more all compiled by our Writers and Editors.

This year there’s very little question in each category as to who the winners are; some are too bad to miss, others too good to be missed.

In case you missed last year’s list, click here for the 2006 CraveOnline Hype Awards.

Film

Most Hyped Movie: TIE - Spider-Man 3 and Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Two trilogy-capping summer blockbusters, each with a budget of more than $250 million. One absolutely sucked (Spider-Man), while the other was way too long and simply not that good (Pirates). Whose idea was it to have 3 villains in Spiderman 3? Did we not learn anything from Batman Forever? Oooh, a bad guy made of sand. A more thorough Venom storyline would have been more than enough to captivate audiences. As for Pirates, the whole thing just seemed like one giant seasick clusterf*ck. No thrills.

Least Hyped Movie: The Kingdom

A gripping look at the war on terror through the eyes of a team of FBI agents, who are sent to investigate the bombing of a foreign-workers facility in Saudi Arabia. The power-combo team of director Peter Berg and Matthew Michael Carnahan as screenwriter make this indisputably the underrated film of the year. The Kingdom culminates in a one sentence finale that is more powerful than any film ending in recent memory. A must-see.

Johnny Firecloud

Gaming

Most Hyped Videogame or System: The Wii

It’s boggles my mind how an underpowered system with no more than three undeniably great games and thousands of bad ones can be sold out for two years straight. As a longtime fan, I really, really want to believe that Nintendo has a plan for the future of this machine, but as it stands, it seems that the hype is far outweighing the performance. While Nintendo has successfully targeted the “casual, non-gamer” market, the people that actually do play games have got nothing to work with. So what if every man, woman and child has one (if they can find one!)? Without software, Nintendo is shit out of luck when those “casual” gamers move on to the next fad, because I’m just going to go right out and say it: While the Wiimote is a really cool idea, it doesn’t work well for most games, even ones that are specifically designed for it, like “Victorious Boxers” and “Trauma Center”. Add to that a long list of disappointments, from “Soul Caliber Legends” to “Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games”, and you’ve got trouble. Unless 3rd party development makes some major improvements in the very near future, and the goddamn mini-game collections come to a stop, the next Mario game you play may very well be on an Xbox 720.

Least Hyped Videogame or System: The PS2

Has anyone noticed that the dusty old Playstation 2 has got ten times as many good games as it’s younger, more expensive sibling? If you’re a fan of RPGs, you’ve got great games like ”Persona 3” and “Rouge Galaxy”. PS2 has rights to Adult Swim licenses such as “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” and “Harvey Birdman”, GTA ports from the PSP and some amazing sleeper hit games like “Fire Pro Wrestling”, “The Red Star” and “Odin Sphere” (Probably one of the best looking and playing games of the year for any system, period). Additionally, let’s not forget that PS2 is the birthplace of the music game renaissance currently being enjoyed by Guitar Heroes everywhere, and is the only place you can play exclusive Guitar Hero and Singstar 80s editions, among many others. Also factor in “God of War 2” and I think you’ll agree that the PS2 has been having a very good year, albeit one that occurred well under the radar.

Jeremy Azevedo

Comics

The Most Hyped Comic Event: Countdown

Countdown is the second weekly comic series to be produced in as many years. The 52 week long series is set to redefine contemporary DC Comics and update the company and their characters. Typically a monthly affair, part of the buzz surrounding Countdown is the weekly production schedule which makes the series one of the industry’s most labor intensive. Paul Dini leads the creative as the Head Writer, with a host of other writers and artists contributing week after week. Dini has made several promises concerning the series; chief among these is the inevitable end of Jack Kirby’s beloved Fourth World, making way for a new Fifth World.

Least Hyped Comic: Annihilation

Annihilation was the greatest series you didn’t read in 2006-07 and it looks like the follow up is also coming in below the radar. One genre in Marvel that is frequently neglected is space; despite having countless alien species and visitors, not a lot happens out in space. That all changed when Marvel took an old Fantastic Four villain and loosed him on the universe. Annihilation: Conquest is the follow up by Andy Lanning and Dan Abnett with pencils by Tom Raney and already it’s a series that you should be ashamed for missing. The third issue will be along soon, with the first two issues still in stores.

Dante Maddox

Humor

Most Hyped Comedy: Anything by Judd Apatow

It’s hard to discredit a guy who either written produced and/or directed 3 of the biggest films of the year, while also managing to make fat, hairy, awkward guys the movie stars du jour. Judd Apatow has helped to raise the expectations of film-going audiences across the board when it comes to comedy. No longer will people settle for poorly written one trick pony crap like American Pie 7: Some Non-Comedic Actor Puts His Dick in Something and Whatever Ben F**king Stiller is Doing this Week. That having been said, maybe it’s about time “Judd Dredd” gave it a rest already. The reality of the movie industry is that only a handful of comedies can make it to the theater each year. And if Apatow is behind three of them, that means there are two other guys that didn’t even get a chance. And for those of you that think the man is infallible, and that this is a good thing, I would like to point out that Judd Apatow was also the writer of notorious suck-fest Fun with Dick and Jane.

Least Hyped Comedy: Hot Fuzz

Just what does it take to impress you people anyway? Despite the fact that Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg had previously brought you Shaun of the Dead, a movie that redefined the horror-comedy genre, despite the fact that they accomplished this very same feat with the action-comedy genre, and even though Hot Fuzz was clearly the best movie of any kind that came out all year, hardly anyone saw it. Hot Fuzz had at least as many (if not more) laughs as Superbad, and at least as much over-the-top action as Die Hard 4: Die Balder. If you haven’t seen Hot Fuzz, watch it immediately. Even if you have seen it, watch it again. If you don’t think it’s the best buddy-cop movie since “Turner and Hooch”, then you, my friend, are obviously a mongoloid.

Jeremy Azevedo

Sports

Most Hyped Sports Event: Mayweather vs. De La Hoya

Mayweather vs. De La Hoya wasn’t the best Mayweather victory this year (thanks for the laughs Ricky Hatton) but it was the most hyped, and rightfully so. Boxing has been on the proverbial ropes ever since the heavyweight division took a nose dive in popularity. Since then the lower weight classes have tried to pick up the pace and bring boxing back to the forefront of spectator sports. The De La Hoya/Mayweather fight was supposed to be the fight to save boxing. Despite the fact that the fight turned out to be more Oscar trying to retire in style than a major bout with the outcome in doubt throughout, it did succeed in letting the world know that there is more to pro boxing than the heavy weight division.

Least Hyped Sports Event: Post season baseball

Tommy Lasorda has lead the charge for years trying to get fans into post season baseball. After 162 games, and literally a handful of playoff spots most fans just don’t care once their own team gets eliminated. But entertaining commercials notwithstanding, it’s easy to see why Mr. Lasorda has a hard time rallying the troops. Perhaps more evident than the NFL’s lopsided team break down, the American League is so much better overall than the National League team for team that by the time the World Series rolls around (Boston Red Sox vs. Colorado Rockies) no one really cares anymore. Call in the post season when the NL adopts the DH.

Dante Maddox

Music

Most Hyped Album: Radiohead - In Rainbows

“The infrastructure will collapse,” Thom Yorke softly suggests near the end of Radiohead’s seventh album, a record that managed to subvert a crumbling, top-heavy and sickeningly greedy industry simply by selling itself. The hype surrounding In Rainbows was far less about the music (fantastic, by the way) than the the band’s pay-what-you-want method of getting the music to the people, creating a tipping point in the era of digital distribution of music. Never before has a single album inspired such a collective shudder among major music labels, who, thanks to Radiohead, now have no choice but to take a long hard look at their antiquated methods of stealing money from kids. Welcome to the digital revolution.

Least Hyped Album: Beastie Boys - The Mix-Up

The Beasties’ first all-instrumental record is a lesson in groove and texture, grounded in soul-jazz with a style that’s uniquely and undeniably the Beastie Boys, even though there’s not a rhyme to be found. Skewered by critics who apparently couldn’t stop whining about the lack of rhyming long enough to actually listen to it, The Mix-Up is more than the sum of its dub/soul/funk/jazz influences. Heavy on rhythm and subtle psychedelics, the Beastie Boys show how they’ve sharpened as players, weaving seamless grooves together with tight latin rhythms for an album that shouldn’t be overlooked.

Johnny Firecloud

And there you have it, the 2007 CraveOnline Awards come to an end! Drop us a line at editor@craveonline.com to tell us what you thought of the list and what your picks of the year are. And remember: Don’t believe the hype.

Tags:
Category Film/TV, Gaming, Humor, Music

Alone: The Home Recordings of Rivers 0

Posted on December 27, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

Weezer frontman releases album of homespun demos ranging from 1990 to today.

It’s no secret to music fans, particularly those that have a special affinity for indie-sounding pop rock, that Rivers Cuomo is something of a songwriting genius. Never before has that been more apparent than it is upon listening to his new solo album, “Alone: The Home Recordings”.


Cuomo rocking a Weezer song onstage with what appears to be a bitchen’ Flying V.

“Alone” is essentially a collection of songs that Cuomo has been recording at home for nearly twenty years now. Some of the songs eventually became Weezer songs that everyone is familiar with today, like “Buddy Holly”, but most of these have never been heard by any but the most diehard fans. Which is a shame, because rarely have I had the pleasure of hearing someone that possesses such a solid understanding of what makes a great pop song, without resorting to what is commonly referred to as “selling out”. Thankfully, this oversight has been corrected by the release of this collection of unfinished demo songs (probably recorded on archaic equipment, too) that nevertheless are better than most of the highly polished turds we’ve been subjected to by major record companies for years now.

I hate to be forced to say such nice things about a guy that seems like such a smart-ass little prick, starting and stopping a platinum-selling band on a whim so he can graduate from Harvard (whoop-dee-doo), or paint his windows and walls black and sit around doing drugs for three years straight, or get into a cockamamie hobby like Vipassana meditation or abstention from sex. But the songs speak for themselves, and they are each and every one like little sonic crack rocks that I keep picking up over and over again. Cuomo keeps things interesting by sounding vaguely like “Kiss” (Blast Off!) one minute, then Brian Wilson (Longtime Sunshine) the next, followed by a song that would have fit right in on the “Easy Rider” soundtrack (Wanda You’re My Only Love), with a modern R&B song (This is the Way) thrown in for good measure. There’s even an “Ice Cube” cover (The Bomb) on this album. I shit you not.


Graduating from Harvard with honors whilst taking a break form rock stardom.

I strongly recommend that you pick up a copy of this album, especially because of the linear notes that detail Cuomo’s inspiration for each of the songs contained therein. I wouldn’t hesitate to give “Alone: The Home Recordings” 5 out of 5 stars. And this is coming from someone who never really gave much of a crap about Weezer, even. If I were forced to pick an early favorite for download, in case anyone wants to see for their self, I’d have to say maybe “Lover in the Snow” or “Little Diane” (which, to be fair, is a cover, albeit an excellent one of an artist you’re probably not familiar with anyway). But honestly, in this case, you should really just buy the whole album.

Tags:
Category Music

NiGHTS: Journey of Dreams 0

Posted on December 21, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

Trippy sequel to beloved Saturn game 10 years in the making!


By Dustin Pena		 The original NiGHTS on the Sega Saturn is a timeless classic, at least that’s what EVERY review has been saying. I don’t remember it that way, in fact I don’t remember it. I know I played it but it must have been forgettable because you would tend to remember a game about flying child molesters if it was indeed a classic but I digress.

Regardless and of how you choose to remember your first NiGHTS experience somebody better call Chris Hanson because NiGHTS is back in NiGHTS Journey of Dreams for the Nintendo Wii.

You start the game off as a young boy named Will whose father decides to abandon him at a soccer game, presumably to speed off to Vegas for a weekend of debauchery and buffets. Now that daddy’s gone NiGHTS is safe for a good old fashioned child abduction and Will is magically transported to the world of Nightopia via scary portal. I guess the trunk of NiGHTS’ car was full. Upon his arrival, Will is met by a fat headed talking Owl cleverly named Owl. Owl is a child pimp who proceeds to tell Will that Will has the ability to fly but first he must “touch NiGHTS”…Eww. When NiGHTS began to speak to Will the foundations of my gaming world were rocked. Apparently NiGHTS is a girl! Now I don’t feel so bad cause every young boy wants a shot at an older chick. You go Will. Once you man up and “touch” this bizarre lady of the evening you’re ready to join the mile high club and the game begins.


A scene from the NiGHTS bonus underwater mescaline-trip level.

The first thing you’ll notice about NiGHTS is the mesmerizing music. Actually, you’ll be noticing the music a lot because for some reason the developers thought that the best way to enjoy the music is by blasting it over the in game dialogue. Lazy sound design really pisses me off. Nevertheless, this game is about the magic of flight and this is where NiGHTS soars…into invisible walls. This is not a free roaming aerial opera but rather an on-rails adventure where you must steer NiGHTS through a series of midair gold rings and blue orbs while paralooping wandering Nightmares, avoiding obstacles, and chasing after sky worthy Octopi! To say this game is a visual trip is to say water is wet. As NiGHTS you’ll progress through Nightopia by accomplishing various missions that mostly rely on speed or the accuracy of your steering ability. Fly through a set number of scattered rings without missing one, race this asshole to steal a key, save these dipshits before time runs out, etc. It’s not rocket science but it is fun, especially when you encounter a gigantic boss and you’re finally given the freedom to roam and soak in the Burtonesque atmosphere and the incredibly eerie music. These encounters are where the game really shines.

The controls are fairly simple and your given the option of several different control methods. You can use the Wii remote, classic controller, gamecube controller, or the ever popular remote/nunchuck combo. I prefer the latter. Flying with NiGHTS is much as you might imagine up, down, left, right, or twirl the control stick to perform loops. You can also twist the remote to barrel roll and perform other aerial acrobatics but this is mostly pointless unless you really love those combos. To sum it up this game is fairly relaxing and and somewhat addictive. Much like Zack and Wiki I get my jollies by playing it in short bursts and it’s certainly the type of game that lends itself to shortened sessions. The dialogue audio and frame rate animation during the cut scenes are crap but it doesn’t really ruin the experience. There are some Wi-Fi additions like two player races that are worth a look over, however the My Dream option which allows you to enter other players’ “dreams” ,where you do little more than wander around a field and see the monsters they’ve captured, is pointless and boring and stupid and lame. Add in a second character, a young lass named Helen, for some hot girl on girl action and you have an enjoyable game that should run you under seven hours of life wasted. There’s certainly nothing like NiGHTS out now so I can safley reccomend it for anyone looking for something new but with the previous release of Super Mario Galaxy fresh on the minds of hungry gamers we won’t soon be saying pedophiles are the new plumbers. For those of you who like numbers a 7/10. Good NiGHT

Tags:
Category Gaming

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story 0

Posted on December 21, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

If you didn’t already think music biopics were stupid, you will now.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: music biopics nearly always seem to me like nothing more than masturbatory, kiss ass fluff designed to misinform the general public into believing that they are suddenly experts on the life and work of artists they had never had any real knowledge of beforehand. So much time is wasted showering undeserved accolades on these films and playing the songs on the radio, etc., that no one ever gets a word in edgewise to say, “Hey, these movies are total shit”, which they are.

Finally, someone has stood up and said aloud for all to hear what many of us have been thinking for years now, but didn’t quite know how to express, either verbally or cinematically. For those of you eagerly expecting a rehash of the retarded “Epic/Scary/Date Movie” formula, you should probably be sterilized to keep you from passing your mongoloid genes onto future generations, for starters. But also you will find that “Walk Hard” is so much more than that.


Teen pop sensation, Dewey Cox! And some other guys too.

Although Walk Hard is taking aim at the music biopic genre as a whole, it’s main target is “Walk the Line”, one of the worst offenders in lazy and obvious filmmaking in recent memory. If you mercifully avoided being subjected to this film, it may diminish your satisfaction in seeing it be ripped to shreds somewhat, but it shouldn’t ruin the experience for you completely. The thing that separates Walk Hard from most “spoof” films is that it follows the same formula as Walk the Line and movies like it almost exactly, often letting the humor come from pointing out the obviously stupid elements so blatantly that one cannot help but laugh at how corny the whole thing really is.

To further illustrate this thesis statement, I will outline some of the ways in which music biopics are cheap and sappy and which are touched upon in the story of Dewey Cox:

1. Every musicians life begins with tragedy

While it’s true that musicians tend to be cut from a different cloth than the mainstream citizenry, that doesn’t necessarily always stem from a horrible childhood tragedy/illness/accident, although that’s what most film historians would have you believe. If no childhood trauma has occurred, filmmakers will generally invent or exaggerate one to the point of sheer irrationality.

2. The trauma in question will stay with the artist throughout their entire life, inspiring their every move and eventually being resolved in the final years of their life/career.

Of course it would be impossible to believe that one might be talented and driven simply for the sake of being talented and driven, and of course no new traumas can occur in one’s lifetime that are not directly a result of and/or response to the original trauma. No one will ever understand the obvious root of the artist’s (highly exaggerated) bad behavior, both voluntary and involuntary, no matter what.

3. The artist will have some love interest that comes in and out of their lives at opportune points in their character development cycle.

This love interest will have such a strong bond with the artist that one might wonder how it is that they never communicate effectively enough to discover any personal information about the artist’s motivations for the way they live their life, ever. You will be expected to ignore this fact and cry every time this love interest leaves/comes back under meaningful circumstances.

4. Every time the artist has some sort of personal epiphany, the epiphany in question will become the title of a song, which they will then play immediately.

This will happen at least five times in every movie, at the beginning and end of the hero’s journey, in the central climax, and twice in-between as a false climax.

5. The artist will meet other famous people at times, who will not hesitate to repeat their names many times in case you couldn’t already recognize them by their ridiculous costume.

Example: If the other famous person is a young Michael Jackson, he will be dressed in the same outfit he wears in the “Thriller” video and will introduce himself thusly: “Hello, (insert artist’s name here), I am Michael Jackson, and I am here with my sister, Janet. Janet Jackson. I, Michael Jackson, am famous for singing and dancing on my album, “Thriller”. It’s a pleasure for me, Michael Jackson, to meet you, (insert artist’s name here)”.


Dewey Cox in his requisite drug phase, juking pigs whilst high on PCP.

6. The artist will have a group of supporters that love them no matter what.

This group may be either A. their band, B. their management team that has “always believed in them” c. their family or D. any combination of the above. Either way, this support group will leave the artist in their darkest hour, causing them to face their demons alone, rip sinks out of walls and go on a voyage of personal discovery. Once this voyage has been completed the support group will then return, except for in the case of artists who go on to commit suicide, in which case the support group will then be painted as contributors to the artists victimhood.

7. In the event that the artist does not either kill their self or die in a tragic accident that is played up for sympathy by placing the blame on society as a whole, their entire life will then be summarized cohesively by their actions in their final year alive.

The original trauma will always be identified and eliminated in the winter years of the artist’s life, whether it is a bad relationship with their father, a repressed memory or anything of the sort. The artist will then be free to rest peacefully and will then invariably die, as there is no more use for them story-wise, as the source of drama has thus been ended.

8. A week after the movie based on an artist is released theatrically, the real life artist will die.

Either by shame or by shock that their life story has been so thoroughly bastardized, the artist will always take a dirt nap just before Oscar voting season. This will guarantee the filmmakers will win or a least get nominated for several awards out of either pity or sycophantic “sympathy and respect” for the newly deceased. Some will wonder if comprehensive autopsy has been performed out of suspicion of foul play, but will eventually become so annoyed by the mere mention of the artist’s name that they will tune it out and forget the whole thing.

Thankfully, Dewy Cox is not a real person, so this fate will not fall upon him, unless there is no sequel, in which case I guess the character would be considered technically dead.

Whew. Anyway. Going back to Walk Hard, it’s clear the Jake Kasdan and Judd Apatow are well aware of these rules and take great pleasure in lampooning them one by one, so effectively, in fact, that you almost find yourself actually caring about Dewey Cox and his tragically funny life. And this is where the film really shines. All the dick and fart jokes are present and accounted for, and by dick jokes, I mean full frontal male nudity. This movie does not hold back in its language or subject matter in any way. But at the same time it’s actually a very good movie, with excellent acting throughout, especially by the film’s star, John C. Reilly.



A selection of Dewey Cox record album covers… looks a lot like my mom’s collection!

Aside from the excellent performances by the extensive list of character actors that almost reaches into triple digits, the real star of Walk Hard is of course the music. Much depends on the audience actually believing that Dewey Cox is really an iconic music figure, and Walk Hard delivers in this respect. The songs range from near perfect reproductions of music styles from several eras in music history to hilariously bad and offensive songs that will probably make you laugh out loud, if not at least crack an involuntary smirk or two.

In the end, Dewey Cox is a film that will appeal to people that hate music biopics and those that love them equally, because it so effectively punks the genre that it almost becomes the very thing that it’s trying to attack. And because people that like music biopics would probably watch a movie about a monkey pissing into his own mouth for two straight hours if it had a big enough name attached to it. Either way, go see this movie.

Tags:
Category Film/TV

CraveOnline Soundcheck Presents: Enter Shikari 0

Posted on December 19, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

First in a series of exclusive indie artist performances!

CraveOnline is proud to present “CraveOnline Soundcheck”, a new series of performances by independent bands that are worthy of your attention.

Check out the first CraveOnline Soundcheck exclusive, Enter Shikari performing their song “Kickin Back on the Surface of Your Cheek”:

Tags:
Category Music, Original Videos

Top Celebrity Meltdowns of 2007 0

Posted on December 19, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

Who’s career suicide was most shocking?

2007 was a great year for extremely embarrassing behavior on the part of our favorite sad-sack celebrities. I’m not sure that a year has gone by in recent memory that has been as ripe with unintentional humor as this one. Let’s reminisce together over some of the more hilarious occurrences of the year in celebrity meltdowns…

Kim Kardashian’s sex tape and subsequent Playboy appearance/reality show:


Kardashian and Ray J, famous for being Brandy’s brother and plowing Kardashian.

What better way for a millionaire heiress to recover from an embarrassing sex-tape scandal than to appear nude in Playboy? And what better way to bring down the collective IQ of America than by awarding said heiress with yet another reality show about idle rich f**kwits acting like vapid, spoiled whores? Lucky for her, she’s a POA or she would’ve been shamefully banished from the Hollywood debutante club months ago.

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Kardashian looking hot and bragging about her Range Rover or something, who cares.

Speaking of sex scandals…

Vannessa Hudgens naked on the interweb:

Did anybody see those naked pics of High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens on the interwebs this year? You did? Well you better not have fapped to them, you sick creeps, because she was probably not of age when the pics were taken. In an obvious sign of the coming apocalypse, Disney did not crucify Hudgens as it would have done to any of it’s singing muppets of yesteryear, but rather, resigned her to an even more lucrative new contract. This obviously sends a message to young girls that you can fuck your way to the top no matter who you are. Fathers, lock up your daughters, there’s a lot of dogs out there!


Young Disney star gets an early start at being a little tramp.

Speaking of dogs…

Michael Vick and the dogfighting scandal:


Vick and some friends enjoying a sporting contest of some kind.

Apparently it’s not thrilling enough to make millions of dollars to put on tights and throw a football at another guy wearing tights these days. Today’s athletes will settle for nothing less than the visceral thrill of live action Pokeman! Unfortunately for Michael Vick, facilitating the abuse and murder of hundreds, maybe even thousands of dogs for his gambling enjoyment landed his ass out of a job and into the slammer. Wah waaaaah!


Haha, do they really still have stripey jail uniforms like that?

Speaking of legally embattled former football stars…

OJ Simpson’s wild-west holdup:

Sigh. Oh, OJ, it’s a never ending battle isn’t it? I’m not sure if OJ really did it, but if he did, here’s how he done it: OJ and a cadre of masked gunman burst in on some asshole sports memorabilia collector, guns a’ blazing, and rob him of some merch that supposedly rightfully belongs to “The Juice”. As if he wouldn’t get caught. OJ Simpson, the same OJ that’s been in the news ever since he got away with killing his wife like 100 years ago. I guess having your wages garnished by the families of the people you cut up like Thanksgiving turkeys can really put a lot of stress on a guy and cause some irrational behavior. Jaysus.


OJ doing his best “whoops I did it again” face, made famous by various 80s sitcoms.

Speaking of irrational behavior…

Britney Spears, bald, wielding an umbrella:


No caption needed.

I know we’re all tired of hearing/talking about Britney Spears, but that doesn’t change the fact that bald Britney Spears whacking the shit out of some paparazzo’s SUV with a green umbrella was the funniest shit that happened all year. I mean, seeing her fat ass get laughed at by everybody as she wobbled through her performance at the VMAs this year was pretty lulzy too, but nothing says “meltdown” like shaving your head, dressing up like a UFO cult theologian and brandishing an umbrella like fucking Excalibur. Spears is like the new Michael Jackson of crazy, and I think everybody (except that twink from Youtube) would agree that if nothing else, she’s at least good for a chuckle every now and again.


Ditto.

Speaking of fat, blond train wrecks…

Anna Nicole kicks the bucket, every man in America subsequently claims to have impregnated her with 200 billion dollar baby:


Even her coffin is pink and tacky. Brought to you be Trimspa!

Everyone and their mother was claiming to be the semen donor responsible for the baby that would inherit the billion of dollars Anna Nicole Smith gained from jumping on that 100 year old man’s bone until he turned to dust. As it turned out, the lucky man was Larry Birkhead, famous for piping Anna Nicole Smith and being an extra in a sketch on an episode of MADtv that was probably never even aired.


Yay! I won a baby made of money!

This came as shocking news to shady lawyer Howard K. Stern, who was sure that he was the father due to the fact that Birkhead is clearly gay. Either way, remember the name “Birkhead”, because it’s sure to be associated with scores of unreasonably wealthy and useless human beings that force their way into the American consciousness for generations to come! Yay!

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The best video ever of any celebrity whacked out on drugs.

Speaking of the Hiltons…

Paris goes to jail, leaves jail, goes back to jail, Nicole Richie driving the wrong way on the freeway:


Paris sporting some thugged out jail tats.

How great was it when the Sheriffs Department let Paris Hilton out of jail, only to have Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer toss her ass right back in the slammer? It was a minor victory for a public exposed to this walking, drug fueled dick puppet for far too long.


Selections from Nicole Richie’s extensive mug shot collection.

Of course, Paris’ mini-me Nicole Richie had to follow in her cocaine laced footsteps and land her ass in the big house too, by driving the wrong way on the Ventura freeway. I’m taking odds right now that Ritchie’s baby comes out mongo, as there is no possible way that a 75lb. drug addict could make it a full nine months without going on a bender even once. Any takers?

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Feel bad for Hilton? Watch this video and then tell me what you think.

Speaking of acute anorexia…

Amy Winehouse says she won’t go to rehab, goes to rehab:


Either a 12 year old crack addicted transvestite or Amy Winehouse, not sure which.

If someone were to bet you one hundred dollars that Amy Winehouse survives 2008, you’d be a fool not to take that bet. I’d even be surprised if she makes it past Christmas, and especially New Years. In a defining moment in the world of Celebrity irony, Amy Winehouse bursts onto the scene with her smash hit single, “Rehab”, which is about her refusal to go there. A month or two later, she checks into a hospital for “Exhaustion”. Come on people, you can see her needle bruises, bloody nose, meth teeth, crack addled eyes… If she doesn’t kill herself with drugs, her wife-beating husband, whose name I don’t know because I don’t see why I should give a shit, will do the job for her. Start writing your humorous eulogy now, so you can be the first one to be callously, morbidly hilarious on the message boards when she kicks the bucket any day now!


Totally doesn’t sniff blow.

Speaking of rehab…

Lindsay Lohan’s high-speed chase:


Lohan, coming down off of a bender/crime rampage/sex orgy/extreme shopping trip.

Speaking of rehab… How funny was it when Lindsay Lohan chased down her assistant in an SUV, coked out of her mind, because the assistant wanted to quit? Even better, the car wasn’t even hers, it belonged to three losers who claim that she essentially carjacked them. Best of all, for the second consecutive time, she tried to claim that the cocaine wasn’t hers. And then to top it all off was quoted as saying “I wasn’t driving, the black kid was”. In and out of rehab, off and on film shoots whenever the mood strikes, and getting laid more than Wilt Chamberlain back in the day, Lohan is officially the most gangster celebrity of the year And the most likely to get busted for our amusement yet again in the coming year.


Lohan’s hot ass rocking the house arrest bracelet with style.

Speaking of getting busted for bad behavior…

Don Imus and the Nappy Headed Hos:


The reanimated corpse of Don Imus bad-mouthing women’s basketball to all 23 of his listeners.

It boggles the mind how the original “shock jock”, a radio personality that has paved the way for every ignorant asshole on the radio ever since, Don Imus, could be brought to justice by collegiate women’s basketball. Like anyone gives a shit. Women can’t even slam-dunk! I don’t know why they even bother. But I guess the real reason why they were upset was that they felt the term “nappy headed hos” was a bit racist. Which it is, but of all the things to bust the guy for, or any of his kind, that was a bit of a stretch. I’m sure that he has said much worse than that on many an occasion. Of course Imus apologized profusely, despite the fact that nobody cared except Al Sharpton, but he was fired anyway. Of course this won’t stop the 140-year-old Methuselah of shock radio from joining Howard Stern on satellite radio, but college students can’t afford that shit anyway so he should be safe for a while at least.


Wa waaaaah! Sucks to be you, buddy.

Speaking of racism…

Dog the Bounty Hunter’s racist tirade:


Dog, looking pensive in his MP3 enabled Oakley shades with snap-on dreadlocks.

Who’s surprised that Dog The Bounty Hunter uses the dreaded “N word”? By the look of him, I’m surprised he doesn’t have it tattooed on his neck. The Dog said it at least 100 times on the phone to his son, who like most of educated America, thinks he’s a dick. Which was especially dumb, because the little prick recorded it and released it for the entire world to hear. On the plus side, that’s one less reality show shitting on our airwaves. But on the downside, who’s going to collect all those bounties now? Dog may be a card carrying racist to the bone, but who’s going to capture all those criminals on national television now? The police? Who’s going to convince retarded hicks that mullets are cool so the rest of us can have something to laugh at? You? I didn’t think so.


Dog in the doghouse, watching his crappy show be put to sleep.

Speaking of recording phone calls…

Alec Baldwin curses out daughter on the phone because she’s a thoughtless little pig:


Alec Baldwin illustrating how one eats an invisible sandwich for all you thoughtless little pigs out there.

Alec Baldwin was recorded leaving the longest, rudest phone message ever for his 11 year old daughter, Ireland, and bashing her mother, Kim Basinger, calling them both “rude, thoughtless pigs”, threatening to “straighten her out” etc. Of course, all this is probably true, because Alec Baldwin, like our country’s founder, George Washington, is awesome and cannot tell a lie.


Alec Baldwin getting bitched out by Rosie O’Donell in a rather extreme form of punishment for his bad behavior.

But even so, the whole tirade ended up being pretty embarrassing for Baldwin when the tape leaked out over the internets for everyone to hear. Let this be a reminder to everyone, especially the famous, to keep in mind that not only is Big Brother always watching, but he’s also recording, and most likely has a good friend that happens to work at TMZ.

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Our very own Batman of Suburbia weighs in on the Baldwin scandal.

Speaking of daughters that are jerks to their fathers…

David Hasselhoff and the burger incident:


Hasselhoff enjoying a delicious burger and a gallon of bottom-shelf vodka.

Hasselhoff is the kind of guy who can make you smirk just by the mere mention of his name. Somehow this guy manages to do something iconically awesome and ridiculous at least once per decade. In the 80s, we had “Night Rider”, in the 90s we had “Baywatch”, and in this new decade we find ourselves in, we have “The Burger Incident”.


The Hoff and friends in happier times.

Witness a man, drunker than a whole pub full of Irishmen, shirtless, laying shirtless on the floor making out with a burger while his shithead of a daughter films the whole thing. Just try to keep a straight face as the most famous man in Germany (because Germans are weirdos) mumbles incoherently and crawls on the floor like a baby with downs syndrome.

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Watch the legendary burger incident here!

If I forgot any, please fill free to add your own!

Tags:
Category Film/TV, Humor, Music

Indie Rap Stocking Stuffers 0

Posted on December 17, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

Four of the year’s best Def Jux releases reviewed!

Definitve Jux has long served as the advance guard in independently produced hip-hop. With a collection of artists that includes El-P, Cage, Aesop Rock and now Del The Funky Homosapien, they have more credibility than almost any other label out there when it comes to the cutting-edge of the genre. Following are four short reviews of some of the best albums Def Jux has released this year that may have flown under your radar:

Rob Sonic
Sabotage Gigante

Rob Sonic may not be as well known as some of the other MCs in the Def Jux stable, but that doesn’t change the fact that “Sabotage Gigante” is one of the hottest records that they have put out all year. Every song on this album is a head-nodder, with sick rhythms and thoughtful, poetic flows working seamlessly together to make each track sound even better than the next. Get to know this guy right now so you can be dick and brag to all your friends how you were the first to rock Rob Sonic in your car when he blows up a year or so from now like you did with Aesop Rock!

Must-Hear Downloads: Brand New Vandals, Mother Of All Bombs, Fat Man and Little Boy

Hanger 18
Sweep The Leg

Now these guys have got something different going on. If you need a break from the overly serious mentality that is so prevalent in indie rap these days, this is your band, and “Sweep The Leg” is your record. Hanger 18 are masters of up-tempo jams that will remind you of the old days when hip-hop used to be a lot of fun instead of a pseudo-elitist outlet for spoken word poets. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but sometimes you just want to have a good time with some clever, bright and positive shit that doesn’t feel the need to remind you how broken our socio-political environment is every thirty seconds.

Must-Hear Downloads: Feet to Feet, Dance With Me (Featuring Slug), Think Big

Junk Science
Gran’dad’s Nerve Tonic

Junk Science may have a shot at the title of best underground hip-hop album of the year with “Gran’dad’s Nerve Tonic”. It’s certainly one of my favorites. These guys take a lot of risks and deviate completely from the formula in every way, constructing an experimental sound that you will not be ale to stop listening to over and over again. Remember way back when the Beastie Boys were making beats that were so far out and unusual but at the same time very addicting and catchy? This album is a lot like that. Even better, a lot of songs on this album have lyrics that tell a story and actually give you an incentive to listen closely. Don’t even hesitate to buy “Gran’dad’s Nerve Tonic”, it’s great from start to finish.

Must-Hear Downloads: Do It Easy, Jerry McGuire, Third-Person Stealth

Mike Ladd
Nostalgialator

Indie rap doesn’t get more obscure than this. Mike Ladd is a Parisian English professor turned spoken word performer turned psychedelic rock musician turned hip-hop MC and producer. His new album, “Nostalgialator” will blow your mind with it’s weird, synth pop beats and crazy flows, which reminded me a bit of Kool Keith, everybody’s favorite weirdo rapper. “Nostalgialator” is challenging, but accessible to fans of any kind of music. Mike Ladd bounces between club bangers from outer space to trippy lounge music on a dime without ever breaking continuity on the record. Check this one out for a taste of the future today, if not something more worldly than most of us are used to.

Must-Hear Downloads: Black Orientalist, Off To Mars, Trouble Shot

Tags:
Category Music

Code Lyoko: Quest For Infinity 0

Posted on December 17, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

A year later, motion controls are finally starting to make sense.

If you’re a Wii owner, you may have noticed, and by “may have noticed”, I mean that it must be painfully obvious to you that third party support of the Wii is abysmal, at best. Whether developers don’t understand the control system or whether they don’t want to put their full effort into an “underpowered” system, the fact remains that the majority of games not made by Nintendo mostly amount to poor-quality ports with tacked on motion controls.

“Code Lyoko: Quest For Infinity” goes to great lengths to prove that even a smaller game design company can make a game that makes sense on the Wii, and makes you wonder what the major leaguers excuses are. While Code Lyoko is a bit of a kid’s game, it does offer a fair amount of challenge to more seasoned gamers and makes excellent use of the Wii’s unique wii-mote and nunchuck control design.

To fill you in, Code Lyoko is a popular cartoon in which five teenagers enter a virtual world known as “Lyoko” a la “The Matrix”, to do battle with an evil artificial intelligence known as “Xana”. The game revolves around the struggle to stop Xana from replicating itself and invading the real world in a bid for total world domination.

You begin Code Lyoko in sort of a 2-D animated hub world, in which you can communicate with other characters similar to a point-and-click adventure game. There is little incentive to do so other than to flesh out the story and learn more about your team, which can be helpful as there is little introduction for those not already familiar with the story. It’s a little cutesy for my tastes, but anime fans will enjoy it I’m sure.

When you’re ready to go into battle, you virtualize yourself at “The Factory”, and enter the digital world. Once there, you will control four different warriors, each with their own unique powers and methods of attack. The powers are where the game really shines, as you are constantly finding new ones and powering them up with experience gained throughout the levels. Almost all of the powers require some sort of unique motion control that takes excellent advantage of the wii-mote’s unique capabilities. These may range from telekinesis and flying, to wall jumping, balancing and freezing enemies.

All four of the playable characters can and must be switched between on the fly in order to battle enemies and tackle various puzzles, which are great when they utilize the various powers but sort of lame when they just involve switches and dissolving platforms. (But at least there are no crate pushing puzzles or exploding barrels!). Each character has their own unique attack powers, such as target-locking, heat-seeking boomerang fans, swords, lasers and charged-missiles. The enemies can be difficult to eliminate due to their protective shields and high rate of fire (which you can often barely see), but a handy “reflect” action can send their projectiles right back at them. This takes a little skill to master, but is incredibly helpful at times.

Another neat feature is the limited space shooter levels that pop up every now and again, which again make good use of the wii-mote controls, and almost feel like playing Panzer Dragoon back in the Saturn days. There’s not much to do here but steer and shoot, but it feels very intuitive and is a nice diversion from the action.

One downside of the game that you will notice, and one that I was hoping would be addressed after previewing Code Lyoko in September, is the startling lack of detail in the environments. I understand that the look calls for a stark, digital representation of the real world, but it almost looks like a PS1 game at times, the textures are that simple. There won’t be any awards given for the character models and their giant foreheads either. For some reason the boss fights (Which are excellent, Zelda inspired affairs) are incredibly much more detailed, with a really cool cel-shaded look to them. Unfortunately, these can be few and far between.

Another thing that sort of bugged me throughout was the fixed camera. While it almost always was pointed in the right direction, it still allows enemies to get behind you, at which point you are completely vulnerable to their attacks and unable to return fire. Also, there are a couple of places where the camera will switch directions ever so slightly in the middle of a tricky jump, throwing off your trajectory and sending you flying into the abyss. “Super Mario Galaxy” this is not.

One last gripe, and probably the worst thing about the game is the repetition. You will see the same cut-scenes (which are thankfully skippable) at least a hundred times while playing through the game. Also, one of the major plot points revolves around Xana “replicating” areas from the game, forcing you to play through slightly different versions of the same six environments like fifty times. But the fact remains that the action itself is pretty fun, and Code Lyoko is a solid Wii platformer that offers a lot of replayability and has great potential to be a real sleeper hit, especially on the Wii. This is not a game for “Halo” and “God of War” players, but younger and casual gamers will be pleasantly surprised.

Code Lyoko: Quest For Infinity - 7/10.

Tags:
Category Gaming

Bionic Commando is Back 0

Posted on December 14, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

A beloved franchise is resurrected.

If you were alive in the 1980’s, then you probably had an NES. And if you had an NES, then you probably either had or at least played Bionic Commando. And if you had or played Bionic Commando on an NES in or around the 1980’s, then you’ve probably been wondering just why in the hell there hasn’t ever really been a proper sequel to such a beloved game in almost twenty years. And if you’ve ever wondered this, then you’re probably kind of old to be spending so much time thinking about video games, but that’s beside the point.

By some miracle, Capcom has finally been convinced that the time is right to resurrect this long-neglected franchise for a next-gen Bionic Commando. Some say it was inevitable after seeing how Capcom utilized the grappling hook function in last year’s “Lost Planet”, but that doesn’t diminish the excitement in the slightest.

Check out the following trailer for a look at some of the awesome swinging, smashing, and shooting action coming your way next year:

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Tags:
Category Gaming

The Virginia City Revival: A Bandin’ The Herd 0

Posted on December 13, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

Get into Psychobilly music and save your soul in the process.

It’s hard to describe The Virginia City Revival’s new album, “A Bandin’ the Herd”, in a sentence… But if I had to compare them to another artist that you may already be familiar with, I’d have to say Hank III, only slightly more twisted on mescaline.

VCR combines old school country from a time in which country and rock were synonymous with new school skate-punk attitude. This has made them a cult favorite among the Jackass crowd. As a result, you may have heard VCR on the Jackass videogame soundtrack, or on the theme song to the show “Dr. Steve-O”. Stylistically, VCR straddles the line between trendy southern rock bands like “Kings of Leon” and Sunset Strip sleaze rock as if they were one and the same.

In addition to their wild, whiskey-soaked badass southern stoner-rock style of play, VCR also has a fully realized on and off stage persona as religious southern ministry hucksters, complete with their very own “Dawn of the White Light Ministry” and even a biblical text of sorts, “The Book of the Dawn”, which you can (and really must) see on their MySpace page.

Download our favorite song from The Virginia City Revival’s new album, “A Bandin’ the Herd”:

The Virginia City Revival: Addicted

Tags:
Category Music

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