Mongo Nation

A first look st the new game based on the upcoming film.

CraveOnline reviews Borat’s new book.

Many of you might be asking, just what about it is so offensive that wasn’t already in the movie or on the show? I honestly don’t have an answer to that, other than that perhaps it may have been the numerous, explicit photos of naked Kazakh prostitutes or American women caught, “making toilet”. There are even a few “chrams” peppered throughout the book. Or it could be the rampant anti-semitism. I personally don’t think there’s anything here that’s worse than two naked dudes wrestling in a hotel room for half an hour!

The bottom line is, I don’t care if you think Borat is the most played out joke in town. This book is hilarious! If you don’t laugh at the horse recipes and Korki Butchek album covers, than you are either a humorless asshole, or the prime minister of Kazakhstan. The whole book is written in Borat’s own unique vernacular, and details an interpretation of charmingly backward social commentary that is not to be missed.

Holy crap, cosplay pictures from this year’s E For All!

Of all the world’s nerds, none is more entertaining to the eye than the cosplayer. Cosplayers are the people that show up at every convention you’ve ever seen or attended, dressed up like their favorite video game, comic book or TV characters. They differ from furries in that they are not known to engage in perverse sexual acts that defy the laws of nature and decency.

Some have theorized that they dress up merely to show off how creative they are at costume design, while still others have surmised that they suffer from a chemical imbalance of the brain that forces them to think that every day is Halloween time.

At this year’s E For All videogame exhibition, we had a chance to photograph some of these wondrous creatures in their natural habitat…

Smokin’ hot Lara Croft w/ some kinda robot dude and one of 1,000 sexually ambiguous Final fantasy dudes.

2 hot chicks from Guitar Hero, giving me “star power” in my pants.

Nerd Parade group photo!

Cloud: “Mine’s bigger than this.” Spider-Man: “How do I shot web?”

Another glorious Nerd parade group photo.

Holy Jesus, this Alucard is creepy as hell…

I am unable to determine the gender of half of these people. Nice shields though!

Even amongst nerds, there are subsets of even dweebier nerds, as is illustrated here.

That Lara Croft is probably the only one getting paid for this. I’d like to raid her tomb!

That’s either Sephiroth from FFVII or the lead singer of White Lion.

Science is still unable to explain what would ever possess a tasty babe like this to dress up like a character from a Spider-Man comic.

Dante from “Devil May Cry” making a vaguely inappropriate gesture towards Link.

Final Fantasy nerds are perhaps the most common type of cosplayer.

These cosplayers are wearing more spandex and leather than an aerobics class made up entirely of gay bikers.

Wow. If I was Link, I’d save myself the trouble and let Gannon have her.

Sadly, there was not even one slutty, obscenely endowed Dead Or Alive chick anywhere to be found.

Click HERE for a LULZY article about Day 1 at the E For All. Click HERE for Day 2!

4chan.org goes missing and the rumors start to fly…

eb surfers that lean more toward the dark side of the internets may have noticed that popular website 4chan.org, best known for it’s /b/ message board, and for all the lulz that it provides, has been missing in action for a few days now.

Anyone with a computer will recognize at least a couple of these 4chan memes.

4chan is perhaps the most politically incorrect, racist, homophobic, evil, twisted, child-touching, hateful and offensive website that one could ever hope to find. It’s hard to explain if you haven’t already seen it in action, but the total lack of moral compass leads to some of the most hilarious memes (like the LOL cats everyone is so fond of) on the web. If you’ve seen a clever, photoshopped picture anywhere online in the last year or so, it probably came from 4chan.

Rape jokes are common on 4chan.

4chan posters, often referred to as /b/tards, are known to be some of the most quick-witted and wrathful people on the interweb, so heaven help you if you should be baited into raising their ire.

Bastardized motivational posters came from here, too.
Fellow hate-site encyclopediadramatica.com reports that the problem is a result of a distributed denial of service attack that has temporarily shut down 4chan’s internet service. But we also have come across this comment on popular blog “Misanthropy Today”, which may or may not be true, but apparently comes from a reputable source:

Typical response to a national tragedy.

“So I know moot, we went to high school together and my little brother just about worships the guy and spends way too much time on 4chan. I was never into amime, becuase I am not a gigantic faggot, and i never really loloked at 4chan except for /ck/, but anyway last night i called moot because my brother wanted to know wtf was up and moot said we should come over to his parents house (he has a swanky appartment near the servers in downtown Dallas, but its not very big. Great building, though). So i got my little brother and a couple six packs of lone star and some kirins and went over. There was maybe a dozen people over and when we came in moot told us 4chan was over and he wanted it to out like it started, without much fanfare. He said that he’d banked enough money from it (almost three million after taxes he said) and after the latest terrorist scare of 4chan origin this week he was afraid that he’d lose it to government fines or lawyers somehow and that he enough money for the rest of his life now anyway. Then he went on about how since 4chan got so big he didn’t any time to have fun, but he didn’t want to sell it and see his creation turned into corporate crap, so he just pulled the plug (he was a huge nirvana fan in highschool, so at least he didn’t suck on a twelve gauge) before it got completely out of control. Then he talked to my brother about anime for like an hour. Apparently he was trying to get brought up to speed after missing out for a couple years. He said he is considering moving to Japan and writing or producing anime designed for western audiences and the the 4chan servers will be auctioned at the begining of next year and maybe the domain as well. My little brother was trying to show off or some shit and pounded one too many and puked on the kitchen floor so i threw him in the car and went home. Anyway, I thought you would want to know about this, so here it is.”

Combination “caturday” (lol cat) and “you’re doing it wrong” meme.

Is 4chan dead? And if so, where will all the world’s funniest sociopaths hang out know?

Day 2 at the E For All videogame nerd festival

Today was the second day at the E For All exhibition, where we were on the scene to play test some of the hottest new games of the season and insult a few of our fellow gamers. Following is a play-by-play of the day’s events…

Some geek’s masters thesis for their TV art college.

11:00 – I arrive early today in order to avoid the lines for some of the more high profile games. I expect that there will be hardly anyone here because the press is allowed in an hour before the public. Apparently everyone here is press because the place is already packed.

The first game I hit up is Smash Bros. Brawl. Playing as Pit from Kid Icarus and Sonic the Hedgehog was a fanboy’s wet dream.The game itself is fun but not much different than the last one. Hopefully Nintendo has fleshed out the adventure mode a little more to add some incentive to keep players interest.

It truly does look like this, for the 1/2 second that the camera’s ever zoomed in this close.

I am about to take some pictures when some Nintendo chick stops me and tells me that I need a photo pass. I inform her that I am a member of the press, but she insists. So I ask someone literally five feet away from me for a pass and they hand me one. I go about my business, wondering if that was some kind of practical joke or something, but the punch line is not forthcoming.

Next I play test “The Simpsons Game”, which is amazing. The animation, the voice acting, the situations that occur, the gameplay, all of it is top-notch quality. The anime level in particular, with Millhouse as the Katamari King is one of the most imaginative levels I have ever seen outside of a Tim Schafer game. And the tutorial level takes place in “The Land of Chocolate”, which pretty much makes it the best tutorial level ever.

The Simpsons, Japanimation style.

On the way to Konami’s booth to check out Metal Gear Solid 4, I notice that there is a DS version of Mario Party, the least fun game to play alone ever made. I wonder to myself how it can be that there are approximately 10 Mario Party games, yet there hasn’t been a sequel to “Punch Out” in like 15 years.

12:00 - OMFG the line for Metal Gear is already super long. The game itself is surrounded with security and barbed wire fences. There is no photography or filming allowed. I wait for like 20 minutes without moving before a nerd informs me that the wait is over 2 hours long. I wouldn’t wait that long for a hand job from a booth babe, so I decide to come back to it if time allows.

No, these nerds are not waiting in line for a chance to lose their virginity. Although maybe they ought to be.

Someone from a booth hawking something called the “3rd Space FPS Vest” aggressively corrals me, perhaps mistaking me for someone else for the first of many times today. Someone that looks similar to me must have made quite the impression the day before because I am quite certain I have never met any of these people before.

The vest looks like a military grade bulletproof vest, and it delivers a shock or something to you whenever a bullet impacts you. The weird thing is, the vest knows if your virtual character has been hit from the front or behind, and even what side it was on. It’s a very niche product, but I could see really hardcore FPS fans getting a huge kick out of it.

Some dork enjoying the sensation of being shot repeatedly.

I run into Dante finally, who is pissed because his interview appointments keep getting mixed up. I believe someone told him that Koji Igarashi, famous for his work with the “Castlevania” series, would not be in attendance and therefore would not be available to interview. It does not escape either of our notice that there are giant signs on the Konami booth dealing the exact times of this very same person’s personal appearances throughout the day.

1:00 – Dante and I pay $14 dollars each for a day old muffin and a small cup of burnt coffee before splitting up again. I marvel at an enormous chalk mural that a lady is making in the middle of the lobby. I realize that I am a huge nerd when I consider informing the artist that a Playstation 1 controller is a poor choice for her heroine to be holding in her hand. Thankfully, I keep this information to myself and narrowly avoid embarrassing myself.

I’m telling you, the PS1 controller just throws me right off.

I go back to Konami and play all the bitchen’ handheld games they have coming out: Silent Hill, Castlevania, Metal Gear Portable Ops and Contra 4. I am particularly impressed by Silent Hill, which looks like a new PS2 game. The Contra game is a little disappointing, though. It plays just like old school Contra, with one hit kills and all. Having become used to the easier difficulty of modern action games, I tire easily of getting my ass blown off by microscopic bullets.

Konami had more franchises on location than Pinkberry has in Koreatown.

Next I watch some dudes competing in a Guitar Hero championship and I wonder why the hell these guys are wasting their time with a game when they could be shredding in a real band with those kinds of skills. I love playing Guitar Hero with friends while drinking a few beers and everything, but these guys look like they practice 10 hours a day or something. It’s obscene. I run into Igarashi, whom Dante was told would not be in attendance, wearing a cowboy hat and sporting a whip. I greet him and snap a couple of photos which he poses quite enthusiastically for.

Even the developers themselves are cosplay dorks, apparently.

The Namco booth looks really cool from the outside, but once you enter, all they have going on is cell phone games. But they do have a bunch of freaks wearing Pac-Man costumes so at least they’ve got that going for them.

Pac-Man: “Bitch, go out and get me my money!” Pac-Bitch: “You know it, baby!”

2:00 – While waiting in line to play Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles, I have an awkward conversation with the guy I’m to be playing with, which goes something like this:

Me: “So, does that nerd parade happen every day? Or was it just a one time thing?”
Guy: “Nerd parade?”
Me: “Yeah, the one with all those cosplay freaks, dressed like Final Fantasy characters and shit.”
Guy: “I was Vincent Valentine.” (A character from Final Fantasy VII)
Me: (Stifles laugh, sticks foot firmly in mouth) “Wow. Cool costume.”

This is the nerd that I accidentally insulted today. Behind him is one that I insulted on purpose.

The game itself was pretty fun, but entirely lacks the satisfying blood-splosions that normally result from headshots in RE games. I feel like I’m throwing pebbles at their noggin even though I’m shooting zombies point blank in the face with a shotgun. I clear the whole second half of the level by swinging the knife wildly, making crazy noises and laughing like a maniac.

On the front lines at the Nintendo firing range.

I finally get to play Rock Band, which is basically like Guitar Hero and Singstar combined. I can’t imagine ever going to the trouble to assemble an entire band to actually play this, but it would be fun if you did. The drums, especially, are really fun to play. But at the end of the day, it’s just too much shit to have to lug around and deal with. Seriously people, take that $200 you would spend on Rock Band, buy a used guitar or PA and start a real life band instead.

World’s nerdiest rock band. They’re like the Nickelback of fictional bands.

CraveOnline’s gonzo journalists hit the E For All videogame exhibition.

Fellow editor Dante Maddox and I spent around 5 hours at the E For All exhibition today, checking out some of the newest games and weirdest nerds the industry has to offer. Following is a play-by-play of the day’s events…

A typical scene at the videogame nerd exposition.

12:00 – We check in, and somehow I don’t have a pass waiting for me. To compound the problem, I forgot to bring business cards with me. Dante name-drops our contact and I have to show them articles I wrote on CraveOnline to prove that I am a member of the press and not just some punk kid, which is a subset that I also belong to. Somehow this gets straightened out and we head for the first booth we see.

We play a little bit of “Sword of the New World” a pretty cool MMORPG developed in part by Izumi Hamamoto, who also developed the Shadow Heart series. There is a “booth babe” there dressed as a pirate, but she claims to be a “musketeer”, whatever that is. Dante is afraid to have a picture taken with her, so I take a picture of her by herself.

Believe it or not, this was one of the only costumed booth babes in the joint.

Someone tries to get me to come up with a pose for the model that no one else has thought of for some contest but I can’t think of anything that isn’t NSFW and don’t want to look like a creep so I make a lame excuse and run away.

1:00 – We play Mario Galaxy, and it is awesome. It may be the coolest platformer ever. The controls are amazing, and even though platforming games are sort of a relic these days, all that may change when this game comes out. I notice that Nintendo has hired about 1,000 hot babes in matching outfits to work their booth. Not one of them has probably ever played a video game before.

Nintendo had more jailbait in mini skirts than an R Kelly concert.

We also have a look at Fire Emblem, which was vaguely gay but Dante seemed to enjoy pretending to like it so that he would have an excuse to talk to an engaged 19-year-old booth babe for like 10 minutes. I had a go at Battalion Wars, which is like a kiddy war game but sort of bitchen nevertheless.

Dante: “So, do you come here often?” Hot girl: “Talking, like, costs extra, okay?”

Dante and I wander the floor checking out all the booths and taking pictures. I am taken aback by how few people are here compared to my expectations. Dante thinks that it is because the tickets are so expensive, but I counter that videogames have become somewhat of a privileged media, with the fans sporting some pretty deep pockets, so I’m not sure that this is the case.

2:00 – Barry Caudill from 2K games explains to us why Civilization is awesome on consoles. We play test it and I have to agree. I’m not much of a computer gamer, but I found that the strategy elements and weird humor made for a surprisingly fun game.

A couple of freaks dressed up like historical figures to promote “Civilization”.

The first real tragedy of the day comes when we discover that the Gordon Birch brewery is closed, and there is not one place serving alcohol in the entire establishment. A somber lunch period follows, in which we masticate overcooked burgers and I try to drink a bottle of water that is frozen almost completely solid.

Delicious convention center food.

Dante wanders off to check out some hentai or something, and I learn to play the piano in like 15 minutes with this rad Piano Wizard game. Whatever company makes Piano Wizard obviously didn’t get the memo about having hot chicks at every booth, and a 50-year-old dude hovers over my shoulder as I rock some Mozart and “Piano Man” by Billy Joel. I didn’t pick the songs, by the way.

The Guitar Hero of the home schooled, puritanical Christian demographic.

3:00 - Just in case there was any doubt, I can assure you that Guitar Hero 3 is amazing on every console. The battle mode in which you can mess up the other player by cutting their strings and flipping their guitar is a scream. I pick Pearl Jam’s “Even Flow” to battle some chick that thinks she’s hot stuff. She tells me that she was born the year that song came out, which makes me feel old. But that doesn’t stop me from kicking the shit out of her at the game. Next, a dude that not only plays better than me, but also does so on expert mode emasculates me. (Sigh)

Some overweight otaku with a pac-man head shredding at Guitar Hero 3.

Dante is getting his ass handed to him at Halo 3, Call of Duty 4, Gears of War, and every other FPS in the universe. I wander off to the Nintendo shooting gallery, which is more my speed. I play Ghost Squad, Medal of Honor Heroes 2 and Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles. I wonder to myself why the zapper ever went away, as I am having a great time blasting away zombies, Nazis and terrorists like there is no tomorrow. Twenty minutes later, my arms get tired, reminding me of the obvious answer to my question.

A familiar sight throughout the day.

I wander the floor taking pictures. Suddenly, a marching band comes out of nowhere, followed by a nerd parade! At least two-dozen cosplayers stand at attention, begging for my merciless criticism, which will follow in a separate article, I promise. It deserves it’s own piece, really and truly.

Bonus points if you can guess the genders of any of these kids!

4:00 – Dante interviews Abe Zarran, who works for a company that promotes pro gamers as if they were professional athletes. I wonder to myself if the general public will ever accept gaming as a viable sport. I am almost certain that this will never happen, but I smile and nod anyway.

These dudes are like the kings of the nerds, apparently.

We go to get coffee and I hallucinate that a table full of Nintendo booth babes are smiling at me. I think that I hear robot rap group 8-bit playing somewhere, so we head back inside and sure enough, they are up in some kind of tower inciting game nerds to “suck their robot dicks”. Which is, of course, awesome. Then we steal all the magazines that we can carry and head back to the office. On the way back, we discuss religion and politics for some reason.

8-Bit, rocking the latest in hipster robot fashion.

Check back here tomorrow for more info on the E For All videogame nerd conference!

The rocking new project from videogame mastermind Tim Schafer.

Game Informer recently broke the news that the next game by Tim Schafer, best known for such bizarre and critically acclaimed games as Psychonauts and Grim Fandango, will be Brutal Legend, an action adventure that appears to be based on Heavy metal album covers. Which pretty much guarantees that Brutal Legend will be the raddest game ever made.

Jack Black is slated to star in the title role, with many cameos by heavy metal pioneers promised to follow. It’s hard to describe just how awesome this game looks, so we’ve posted a trailer for you to view right here:

These products help you drive like you live: dangerous and inconsiderate.

Have you ever been wasted behind the wheel of your car, watching TV on your sun visor while texting nasty messages to the motorists behind you? No? Well why the hell not? Don’t you know about these awesome car gadgets for irresponsible drivers?

First off you’ve got your onboard breathalyzer. Already big in Japan, and desperately needed by our nation’s young celebrities, this device registers your blood alcohol level before letting you drive. If you blow over the limit, your ignition is disabled. Use it to brag to your friends how drunk you were after driving yourself home from a party!

The “drunk” in this picture looks about as sober as a judge. What a rip.

ext you’ve got your driver side sun visor/DVD player. Get pumped up for your commute by watching The Fast and the Furious or Gone in 60 Seconds on a glorious 7” LCD as you careen into the poor saps in front of you. Too bad for them that you spent the money that would’ve gone to insurance on autographed Dukes of Hazard and Knight Rider DVD sets!

You can still sorta see the road. No big deal.

Lastly you’ve got the greatest gadget ever invented for road ragers since the handgun: a programmable LED license plate billboard! Give the guy behind you a friendly “hello”, or perhaps a slightly less friendly “f**k you, buddy”. Let the cute chick behind you know about your “free mustache rides”. Tell that obnoxious family of eight riding your ass that “abortion is still legal, you know”. The possibilities are endless!

A novel approach to communicating with strangers from the safety of your car.

See you in Thunderdome!

Engage in homicidal blasphemy on your lunchbreak at work!

In the tradition of such great flash games as “Orphan Feast” and “5 Minute to Kill (Yourself)”, Adult Swim brings us “Viva Caligula”, a celebration of offensiveness and gore starring one of history’s greatest sociopaths, Caligula!

The object of Viva Caligula is to collect 26 different weapons (one for each letter of the alphabet) in order to unlock the “Orgy Room”. Some of my personal favorites include a beehive that can be thrown at opponents, a necromancy ability that brings the corpses of your fallen enemies to life, and a dead bear that you use to claw people’s faces off. You can even freeze enemies by exposing your manhood!

Chopping the citizenry of Rome into pieces is a scream, and speaking of screaming, Viva Caligula supports a microphone function that allows you to scream in order to power up Caligula’s rage meter, rendering him a furious and unstoppable homicidal maniac. A useful map feature makes sure that you don’t get lost, and cries of terror ring out against the pleasantly exhilarating music.

If you’ve got a few minutes to kill (and kill, and kill…), I strongly recommend that you check out Viva Caligula.