A dark beacon of cynicism in a world of epic fail…

Mongo Nation


Archive for September, 2007


Sidekick 4? 0

Posted on September 28, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

T-Mobile attempts to reclaim its cellular throne.

Mobile will be adding two new sidekick phones to their stable this holiday season: The Sidekick LX, developed by Sharp, and the Sidekick Slide, developed by Motorola.

Both of these phones greatly improve upon the design of the top selling but sort of janky Sidekick 3. For starters, both phones will be significantly slimmer so that you might actually be able to fit one in your pocket. Additionally, both phones will have slightly larger keys for easier typing, and improvements will have been made to up the quality of the LCD screens and cameras as well.


Now you can see that hankmonster you met last night at the bar in hi-res!

In order to compete with the “Sidekick killer”, Helio’s Ocean, it is rumored that the new Sidekicks will have GPS capabilities and default MySpace browser apps. Also, the picture-sharing program has been modified so that Sidekick users can send photos without attaching them to an email, which has long been one of the most annoying features of the device.

The LX will feature a slightly higher-resolution screen and thinner profile than the Slide, and will retail for around $299 with a two-year contract The Slide will retail for around $199 with a two-year contract. The Sidekick slide will still be available in the coming year as well, at an entry-level price point of $49.


T-Mobile knows what really sells sexy electronic devices: Celebrity tits, big ones, and lots of them.

Are these improvements going to help the Sidekick reclaim its position as the go-to device for the cellphone hipster culture? Or is it already to late? Slide screens are cooler than swivel screens, but even slides are so last year. It’s all about touch screens now! Also, adding features that should have already been included in a device that costs more than 90% of the competition only insults the people that might have considered upgrading. I mean, the Sidekick 3 doesn’t even have an alarm function and has a battery life of about 8 hours for chrissakes! How much better could this year’s models really be?

GH3 Final Tracklist Leaked 0

Posted on September 28, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

Check out the final tracklist, organized by tier!

We’ve come across a leaked list of allegedly finalized songs to be included in Guitar Hero 3, organized by tier, including solo and co-op encores, boss battles and bonus songs! There appears to be at least one or two songs missing from this list that we expected to see, such as a rumored track by Velvet Revolver, but it’s nice to finally see an organized list!

Tier 1:

Foghat - Slow Ride
Poison - Talk Dirty to Me
Pat Benatar - Hit Me With Your Best Shot
Social Distortion - Story of My Life

Encore: Kiss - Rock and Roll All Nite
Co-op Encore: Beastie Boys - Sabotage

Tier 2:

Mountain - Mississippi Queen
Alice Cooper - School’s Out
Cream - Sunshine of Your Life
Heart - Barracuda

Boss: Tom Morello - Guitar Battle
Encore: Rage Against the Machine - Bulls on Parade
Co-op Encore: The Strokes - Reptilia


Slash rocking the hell out for GH3.

Tier 3:
The Killers - When You Were Young
AFI - Miss Murder
The Who - The Seeker
Priestess - Lay Down

Encore: Rolling Stones - Paint It Black
Co-op Encore: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Suck My Kiss

Tier 4:
Black Sabbath - Paranoid
The Sex Pistols - Anarchy in the UK
Sonic Youth - Kool Thing
Weezer - My Name Is Jonas

Encore: Pearl Jam - Evenflow
Co-op Encore: Blue Oyster Cult - Cities on Flame with Rock and Roll

Tier 5:
The Dead Kennedy’s - Holiday in Cambodia
Scorpions - Rock You Like a Hurricane
Aerosmith - Same Old Song and Dance
ZZ Top - La Grange

Boss: Slash - Guitar Battle
Encore: Guns N Roses - Welcome to the Jungle
Co-op Encore: Bloc Party - Hellicopter

Tier 6:
Santana - Black Magic Woman
Smashing Pumpkins - Cherub Rock
White Zombie - Black Sunshine
Tenacious D - The Metal

Encore: Stevie Ray Vaughn - Pride and Joy
Co-op Encore: Matchbook Romance - Monsters

Tier 7:

Slipknot - Before I Forget
Disturbed - Stricken
Queens of the Stone Age - 3’s and 7’s
Muse - Knights of Cydonia

Encore: Living Colour - Cult of Personality

Tier 8:
Slayer - Raining Blood
Eric Johnson - Cliffs of Dover
Iron Maiden - Number of the Beast
Metallica - One

Boss: Lou - Guitar Battle
Encore: The Devil Went Down to Georgia


The final boss battle of GH3?

Bonus Tracks:

An Endless Sporadic - Impulse
Backyard Babies - Minus Celsius
Bret Michaels Band - Go That Far
Die Toten Hosen - Hier Kommit Alex
Dragonforce - Through the Fire and the Flames
Fall of Troy - FCP Remix
Gallows - In the Belly of a Shark
The Hellacopters - I’m in the Band
Heroes del Silencio - Avalancha
In Flames - Take This Life
Kaiser Chiefs - Ruby
Killswitch Engage - My Curse
LA Slum Lords - Down N Dirty
Lacuna Coil - Closer
Lions - Metal Heavy Lady
NAAST - Mauvis Garcon
Prototype - The Way It Ends
Revolverhead - Generation Rock
Rise Against - Prayer of the Refugee
Scouts of St. Sebastian - In Love
Senses Fail - Can’t Be Saved
The Sleeping - Don’t Hold Back
The Stone Roses - She Bangs the Drums
Superbus - Radio Song

There isn’t one bullshit song in this entire list, and the idea of having boss battles and separate encores for single and co-op players is a really cool addition. But having a shred-off with the devil at the end of the game is really the clincher!

Top 10 Underrated Games 0

Posted on September 27, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

Top 10 Most Underrated Games Of All Time (That I Have Personally Played)


Ron “Mario” Jeremy: Underrated Thespian

As is the case with any form of entertainment, whether it be music, movies or video games, you find some of the best stuff when you take a risk, when you go out on a limb and try something new. Some of my best gaming experiences have been with those forgotten underdogs, languishing in the shadows of Halo and GTA, struggling to be discovered in a sea of over-hyped competition. Following is a list of some of my favorite underrated games that most people have never played but really ought to:

#10 - Mega Man Legends


Desu! Desu! Put me in your mouth! What?

Mega man has starred in like 50 billion games, but the best of all of them (and the one that absolutely no one played) is Mega Man Legends. This game has all the action of a Mega Man game combined with very well executed RPG elements. The story is actually quite compelling, the weapons are awesome, and the co-starring characters are great. The Bonne family’s Servebots that hassle you throughout the game look like they inspired just about every designer toy sold at Urban Outfitters for the next decade to follow.
#9 - Maniac Mansion


Some slutty, talentless rocker chick about to do it with an alien tentacle monster for a record deal. Nothing new here.

I only have a vague memory of playing this game as a kid, but I do remember that it totally redefined my perception of what a video game could be. Maniac Mansion was nothing like any of my other games. Basically you took on the role of one of half a dozen teenagers with different skill sets, and solved puzzles in order to solve a mystery that involved sentient plants, alien tentacles and zombies. The way that you could interact with any person, place or thing in the mansion was really amazing considering the hardware limitations of the NES. Indigo Prophecy, another great, underrated game, is basically Maniac mansion minus the humor, and even that’s a lot of fun to play.

#8 - Astro Boy: Omega Factor


Once you get past the whole “shirtless robot boy in underwear and boots” thing, Astro Boy is a lot of fun!

I’m not really all that familiar with the Astro Boy cartoon, but I gave this game a shot and I didn’t regret it one bit. Astro Boy is perhaps the most enjoyable 2-D, side scrolling shoot-em-up that I have ever played. It’s better than Contra, Metal Slug, and perhaps even Gunstar Heroes. There are tons of secrets, power ups and upgrades, secret characters and boss fights, alternate endings… the list goes on. Astro Boy is the kind of game Mega Man always wished it could be but never quite achieved despite hundreds of tries.

#7 - Super Mario Bros. 2


This is what the original instruction manual had to say about Birdo.

I know that you probably all think that Mario gets more than his fair share of appreciation, but I’ve always felt that Super Mario 2 has been unfairly treated as the black sheep of the Mario family. Every time you see a “best of” list, Super Mario 2 is usually not included. It’s the same problem Zelda 2 had; that the game was just too different from its predecessor, as well as the games that followed it. But is this really such a bad thing? Call me crazy, but I actually believe Super Mario 3 was a step backward from this game. What could be better than controlling four mushroom kingdom characters, all with unique abilities, in a totally new adventure with all new bad guys to fight? The physics were awesome, the enemies were weird, and the secrets were plentiful. The awesomenisity of Birdo alone is enough to make this game more revered than it is.

#6 - Psychonauts


Raz, fondling livestock with the power of his twisted little mind.

This game isn’t necessarily underrated, at least not by critics. Psychonauts is one of those weird games that, despite overwhelming amounts of positive reviews and press, just didn’t sell. It’s a shame too, because the story and presentation of this game make it one of the most imaginative experiences I’ve ever had with a game. Basically you must enter people’s minds and fight their demons for them in order to find out who stole all your classmates brains and why. Because every character’s psychosis is different, the levels all play out in their bizarre way. One level has you playing a giant game of risk against a dude with a Napoleon complex. Another level has you entering the mind of a twisted milkman and his demented imagining of a paranoid suburbia. You can even enter the mind of a lungfish and play Godzilla to a city of intelligent lungfish people. Please, for the love of god, stop procrastinating and play this game already.

#5 - Rock & Roll Racing


This is quite possibly the only racing game with more explosions than Burnout.

The advent of fully 3-D gaming nearly destroyed 2-D gaming, but it completely obliterated faux 3-D, top down, ¾ view gaming. Rock & Roll Racing was perhaps the last great top down, ¾ view racing game, and it’s definitely the best. You get to pick from half a dozen different car types with just as many drivers and weapons to go along with them. The control is amazing, everything is upgradeable, and two player races are a blast either competitively or cooperatively. Rock & Roll Racing was also one of the first games to prominently feature real, licensed songs like “Highway Star” and “Paranoid”, which was and still is rad.

#4 - Beyond Good & Evil


Jade out saving the world, snapping pics of Britney Spears entering/leaving rehab.

I had this game sitting on my shelf for like two months before I played it. I kept hearing about how good it was, but I had my doubts. Once I started playing Beyond Good & Evil, all my doubts were replaced by wonder that this game was not the biggest selling release of the year. This game controls like Zelda, has an awesome story, really likeable characters, and an incredibly rewarding “photo safari” sidequest. The art and music are beautifully composed, and the game is not only funny, but also perhaps even moving. Definitely try and find this game, it has to be experienced to really be understood.

#3 - Jet Grind Radio


Jet Grind Radio is like the Japanese hipster version of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater.

What a weird game. In Jet Grind Radio, you play as one of several punk kids on roller blades that skate around tagging graffiti all over a Japanese police state. It sounds dumb, but it plays so excellently, and has such great, truly individual style that you won’t be able to put it down. Jet Grind Radio really ushered in the whole “cel-shaded” look, had a great soundtrack and a lot of really cool secrets to discover. Also, the learning curve was so long that you could continue to improve your skills for weeks, maybe even months. This is not to say that the game is overly difficult, but rather that you can achieve an insane level of skill that at first may have seemed impossible. The sequel to this game overly simplified the graffiti tagging aspect, which I feel hurt the game overall. The original is still the one to get if you happen to still have a Dreamcast.

#2 - Suikoden 2


One of the kajillion nasty double-crosses that occur in Suikoden 2.

Quite possibly the finest RPG game I’ve ever played. I have participated in more role-playing adventures than I care to admit, but I really have to say that the story of Suikoden 2 really resonated more than almost any of them, and that even includes Final Fantasy games. Suikoden’s story of international politics, espionage and the occult never fails to offer surprises as you progress through the game. Suikoden also really nails the turn based combat, utilizing combo attacks with certain combinations of characters, awesome magic and really cool weapons. The difficulty is always balanced, and you can collect up to 108 characters to use in your party, all of which are comfortably housed at your ever-expanding base of operations. It’s like Final Fantasy, the Sims, Pokeman and a Tom Clancy novel all rolled into one. Hopefully this game comes out on a compilation or something, copies of it sell for like $200 on ebay now due to its scarcity.

#1 - Ninja 5-O


Pink-clad ninja cops saving hostages armed with nothing but a grappling hook. Makes perfect sense.

Ninja games are awesome and you know it. What you may not know is that Ninja 5-O is the best ninja game ever made. It’s better than Ninja Gaiden and Shinobi, combined. Ninja 5-O is a tongue-in-cheek throwback to the ninja games of the 80’s, challenging you to take on the role of a ninja/cop assigned to rescue the president or some shit. It plays kind of like a combination of the aforementioned ninja games, with the inclusion of a sweet Bionic Commando-like grappling hook. Swinging around on your rope, throwing shurikens, cutting thugs in half and casting ninja magic at the same time is so bitchen’, it will almost make you forgive Ninja 5-O for the sadistic difficulty of the last stage of the game.


A reader all butthurt because we didn’t include “Juggalo Xtreme Backyard Wrestling” in our list or some such shit.

Are there any games that you feel are missing from our list? If so, drop us a line and we’ll include them in a follow-up article! Either that or ridicule you mercilessly because you are a nerd. It really just depends on the game and our mood at the time, quite honestly!

Luey, the “Universal Bad Habit” 0

Posted on September 26, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

The latest must have toy from Bob Dob and STRANGEco.


Luey - Drinking in Red

STRANGEco, one of the world’s leaders in creepy designer action figure art pieces, has paired with famed underground artist Bob Dob to bring to life one of Dob’s most iconic figures, Luey, the “Universal Bad Habit”.


Luey - Smoking in Red

Bod Dob is best known for his unsettling oil paintings depicting pop culture figures that look like Garbage Pail Kids cross bred with a punk rock/rockabilly aesthetic. Luey is a recurring character in many of Bob Dob’s paintings, and represents the devil on our shoulder, the scapegoat for our bad behavior.


Luey - Raging in Red

STRANGEco is now offering three exclusive Luey figures, each of which stands 5 inches tall and retails for around $19.99 ea. As always, the quantities are limited, so make sure that you get yours ASAP when the figures are made available at www.strangeco.com.

Sex Pistols Back in the Studio 0

Posted on September 26, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

The Pistols set to record master track for Guitar Hero 3!

Big news for Guitar Hero fans today:

For the first time in over 30 years, the surviving members of the Sex Pistols will be reuniting in the studio to re-record their industry shattering hit single “Anarchy in the UK”, to be featured in Guitar Hero 3!

Singer John Lydon, better known as Johnny Rotten, guitarist and radio DJ Steve Jones, and drummer Paul Cook will be recording with Chris Thomas, who was the original producer of their seminal album “Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols”. They will even be utilizing the same analog sound desk that they originally used back in 1976 to give the recording a sense of authenticity that would be difficult to replicate with modern technology.

No word yet on whether original bassist Glen Matlock will be stepping back into the late Sid Vicious’ shoes again. If not, there’s always Gary Oldman (Who played Sid in one of the only good musical biopics ever made, “Sid and Nancy”).

It’s funny how many of these bands wouldn’t even let a cover of their songs be used for the original Guitar Hero, and yet, here we are, a couple of installments later, seeing bands like the Sex Pistols and In Living Colour reuniting to record original tracks for the game. With these kinds of heavyweight tracks being included, Guitar Hero 3 is shaping up to be the game of the year, at least for casual gamers, and maybe the best rhythm action game of all time.

I can’t wait to see what Rock Band is gonna pull out of their ass to even have a snowball’s chance in hell of competing with this.

Top 10 Celebrity Douchebags 0

Posted on September 25, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

10 Famous People We’ve Had Just About Enough Of.

Here at CraveOnline we interact daily with pop culture as a whole. In doing so, we see a lot of the same annoying celebrities doing the same annoying things, day in and day out. And we’re not just talking about the Spears and the Lohans and all that housewife gossip stuff either. You can read about them at the checkout line of the supermarket. We’re talking about celebrities that really have it coming, and that we feel are not getting their fair share of smarmy criticism. So without further ado, we present for your enjoyment our list of the top 10 biggest celebrity douchebags:

#10 – Sarah Silverman


The real reason Sarah Silverman is even on TV in the first place.

Sarah Silverman is one of those comedians that everybody claims to like because she is so “edgy” and her material is so “controversial”. In reality, Sarah Silverman is neither, unless Paris Hilton and Britney Spears jokes are what you consider edgy. When Sarah performed at the VMAs this year, it was perhaps the most awkwardly silent crowd ever seen at an award show. And it wasn’t because they were shocked or offended, but simply because it just wasn’t funny. Have you seen her movie, “Jesus is Magic”? Of course you haven’t, but if you did, you’d know it fails to produce even a single chuckle. Silverman couldn’t even last a single season on “Saturday Night Live”, which is probably the least funny show on television. Every time I see the previews for her new show on Comedy Central, I want to throw a bottle at my TV set.

#9 – Matthew McConagay


Time to stop hanging out with Woody Harrelson so much, buddy.

It’s time you put a shirt on, buddy. Not everyone has time to work out 37 times a day. I’m sick to death of this guy making me look bad at the beach, and then compounding my dislike of him but continually signing up for at least two horribly unwatchable romantic formula comedies every goddamn year. And lose the hick drawl for chrissakes, you’ve been living in L.A. for like 100 years already. No one’s buying it.

#8 – Timbaland/Timberlake


Timbaland: “C’mon just one more squeeze?” Timberlake: “No, silly, I’m all sore from dancing!”

Since when did it become cool to like anyone that’s ever been in a boyband? Furthermore, since when was it ever okay to make gay disco records with an insufferable Mangina and call it “hip hop”? These two douches form up like Voltron to create an unstoppable juggernaut of douchbaggery that’s invading every form of entertainment that we know of. Seriously, I can’t go anywhere without seeing or hearing something about these two jerkoffs. I wish Lou Pearlman would’ve raped and killed Timberlake like he did all those other boy band sissies that have gone missing over the years. Maybe then Timbaland would’ve faded blissfully into obscurity like Magoo. One can dream…

#7 – Mystery, “The Pick-Up Artist”


Yep. That right there’s a guy that really knows how to pick up chicks. Apparently.

Not only is this guy a magician, which automatically makes him a douche… not only does he star in an annoying reality show, which is just cause for hatred… not only does he wear giant fuzzy hats and goggles IN PUBLIC no less… but most offensively, he purports himself to be a master pick-up artist despite all evidence to the contrary. And he calls himself “Mystery”. This guy is practically the blueprint model for douchebaggery. Seriously, if women actually have agreed to have sex with a guy like this, they ought to have their vaginas welded shut.

#6 – Tyra Banks


I have come to consume mass quantities of underage model blood. Nanoo nanoo…

I liked Tyra Banks better back when she wasn’t saying shit. Now all of the sudden she’s the new Oprah. Personally, I am of the opinion that one Oprah was already one too many. Tyra Banks has two shows on TV in which she dispenses bad advice to desperate girls and woman despite being crazier than a shithouse rat. And what’s with that fivehead she’s sporting? She looks like a black conehead. Please, for the love of god, would someone ship her back home to Remulak?


#5 – Anybody That Has Anything To Do With American Idol


If this image doesn’t make you throw up in your mouth a little, then you are a communist.

That includes people who watch it. American Idol is basically a bad karaoke show that conjures up the spirit of “Star Search”, minus any possibility of being entertained. This is a show that has forced upon us Ryan Seacrest, Clay Aiken, Simon Cowell, Sanjaya and the reanimated corpse of Paula Abdul. It is single handedly responsible for making our entire nation stupider, and may even be responsible for the collapse of the music industry as a whole.

#4 – Posh Spice/David Beckham


Some soccer hippie out for a stroll with the 700 year old mummy of a former Spice Girl.

Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket. Who in the hell ever told these two douches that they could strut around Los Angeles like they were somebody important? One is a washed up, dried out Spice Girl with the worst bolt-on tits I’ve ever seen, and the other is a soccer player. Is there even one legal resident of this country that gives a crap about soccer? I didn’t think so.

#3 – Ben Stiller


Ben Stiller whacked out on coke with his pal Owen “Emo” Wilson.

I am at the absolute limit of my tolerance for Ben Stiller. I would rather eat a sackful of empty beer bottles than watch another one of his movies. I would rather clean the floor of Skid Row with my tongue. I would rather spend an entire workweek with a handful of razor blades down my pants than ever see even so much as a rudimentary drawing of his mugging, monkey face, ever again. That’s how much I hate Ben Stiller.

#2 – Kanye West


FYI: Mike Meyers is also a douche.

I went out of my way to make sure Kanye was not # 1 on this list, because it makes me laugh when he throws his little tantrums. Kanye is one of those guys that somehow manages to sell lots of records without writing any good songs. As a rapper, he’s marginal at best. As a political activist, he’s living satire material. Kanye likes to kiss ass at MTV and then bitch about MTV, all the while claiming that everyone on the face of the earth is racist and trying to keep Kanye down. Like when MTV played his video like 5,000 times in one week. Maybe they should’ve played it 6,000 times? Kanye is possessed of an over-inflated sense of his artistic value, and is a crybaby who pulls the race card every chance he gets. I hope he really does start beef with 50 Cent, because that dude will probably do us all a favor and smoke his whiny ass.

#1 – Dane Cook


Hey Dane, why don’t you make this your new MySpace profile pick, ya douche?

Dane Cook is probably the best reason not to equate MySpace stardom with actual stardom. He is perhaps best known as a “comedian” that steals jokes from other comedians, then goes out of his way to make them unfunny. Dane Cook’s greatest artistic contribution so far has been to introduce a new way to flip people off to his fellow frat boy douchebags that constitute his fan base. Despite the fact that not one of his movies has been successful, he continues to star in highly publicized flops. Dane Cook’s cockiness and general visibility paired with his alarming lack of talent earn him the top spot in our list of annoying celebrity douchebags.

RoFo Wearable Keg Headgear 0

Posted on September 25, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

Be the life of the party, wear the keg on your dome!

Have you ever been to a party, and brought a six-pack, and you don’t want to carry it around all the time like a dork, so you set it down somewhere seemingly inconspicuous, but then you come back to it only to find that some asshole has totally beer-robbed you?


Great for Barbeques, Overeaters Anonymous meetings.

That’s why you and I both need RoFo’s sweet beer keg helmets. Those lame old beer helmets haven’t got anything on this. The keg helmet can hold 5 pints of beer, comes in a variety of embarrassing shapes, and only costs thirty bucks! You can hire a chiropractor with all the money you save, which you’ll probably need after wobbling drunkenly around a party with five glasses of beer on your head.

Some of my personal favorite keg helmet styles include a Harley Davidson motorcycle, a NASCAR speedway, a hot dog, and for you techie nerds out there, a sweet computer beer keg helmet! I don’t know how many appletinis the helmet will hold though, guys, so don’t ask.


You can be just like the Tin Man, only instead of a brain, you’ll be missing a liver!

If that doesn’t suit your fancy, there are keg helmets celebrating some of our favorite sporting pastimes, such as baseball and football, and even some that no one cares about, like soccer and hockey. There’s even a keg helmet to celebrate the world’s most renown alcoholics, the Irish!

Never be caught thirsty at a party again. Let everybody know just how much of a boozehound you are by going to www.rofoheadgear.com and ordering yours today!

Vampires on Location 0

Posted on September 24, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

Top 10 Worst Places To Be Trapped With A Horde Of Vampires.

In Barrow, Alaska, there is no sunlight from November 18 through January 24. That’s a long ass time to go without sunlight! In the new film 30 Days of Night, some unlucky folks get stuck in Barrow with a horde of bloodthirsty Vampires. Those losers couldn’t possibly have picked a worse place to be, but we could think of about nine other places that were almost as bad… Following is our list of the top 10 absolute worst places to be trapped with a horde of vampires:



#1 – Barrow, Alaska (30 Days Of Night)

If I was a vampire, I’d make those filthy humans wash up before eating them. I’m just sayin’.

Being that the only thing that really slows down a vampire is the fact that they must hibernate during the day or perish by sunlight, you couldn’t possibly pick a worse place to be trapped by vampires than Barrow, Alaska. Due to it’s location near the North Pole, Barrow experiences 30 consecutive days of night, during which vampires are free from the danger of burning in the sun and unencumbered by the need to sleep. Anyplace else, and vampires would be sitting ducks by day. Here in Barrow, humans are at a significant disadvantage.

#2 – Transylvania


Blah! Bleeah! I am Count Dracula! Bleah! Are you scared yet? Blah!

Known to be populated by the infamous Count Dracula, as well as a host of other well-known vampires and monsters, Transylvania is generally considered to be the birthplace of vampirism. It is believed that the older a vampire is, the stronger they become. As such, your chances of outwitting the centuries-old vampires here are slim to none.

#3 – Sunnydale High School, (Buffy The Vampire Slayer)


Buffy: Doing her part to make hot babes, violence and the supernatural as boring as humanly possible.

High school can be hell for some, but for the students of Sunnydale High, it literally is a “Hellmouth”, a portal of supernatural activity. Unless you are close personal friends with Buffy, and perhaps even because of the fact, it’s pretty much guaranteed that you will be attacked by vampires before you ever see graduation.

#4 - Castlevania


Simon Belmont: a favorite among leather daddy cosplayers.

All manner of devilish creatures reside here, not the least of which is Dracula himself. Bring your whip and holy water along and you may stand a chance, but chances are that most mortals (especially those whose last names are not “Belmont”) would not be leaving here alive.

#5 – Salem’s Lot


Hey kid, it’s Peter Pan! Open up the window!

Salem’s Lot is essentially a town populated by vampires. As the townspeople sleep, Barlow, the master vampire, and his followers set upon them until nearly all of the humans have been converted. In Salem’s Lot, no one can be trusted, and sleep equals death.

#6 – Outer Space


If you’re wondering what that child is doing with that knife, turn to page 38…

Ever read the Choose Your Own Adventure Book, “Space Vampire”? Seriously, you couldn’t turn a page without getting killed in that story. I don’t really know how the day/night cycle works in space, but I do know that claustrophobic spaces and vampires are not a good combination for the living.

#7 – “The Titty Twister” (From Dusk Till Dawn)


The power of Christ compels you… to make half a dozen crappy sequels to this movie!

The Titty Twister seems like a really fun hangout up until the kitchen opens, and you come to realize that you’re what’s on the menu. If you happen to have a super soaker filled with holy water or a crossbow that launches wooden stakes, you may survive the night. Either way, there has got to be better roadhouse strip clubs out there than this.

#8 –Lower Uncton (Married With Children)


The Bundy Family enjoying their free vacation to beautiful Lower Uncton.

Lower Uncton has been under a curse of perpetual darkness ever sense Seamus McBundy, progenitor of the Al Bundy, insulted a fat witch named Poxilda. It is not known whether there are actually any vampires in Lower Uncton, but if there were, rest assured that you would be screwed, as they have not experienced daylight since 1653.

#9 – Theatre des Vampires


“No thanks, we’ve had all the sausage we can handle today already!”

In Interview With The Vampire, The Theatre des Vampires is a place for vampires to mock the existence of mortals. Under the guise of performance art, the vampires here feed on humans that think they are either watching or perhaps even participating in scripted theater. Scream all you want, there will be no convincing the audience that your bloody demise is not part of the entertainment.

#10 – A Box of Count Chocula


Wouldn’t it be bitchen’ if Count Chocula turned your milk blood red instead of brown?

You may remember from your childhood that Count Chocula was a delicious breakfast cereal. You may remember incorrectly. Count Chocula is quite possible the worst of all chocolate flavored cereals, and has probably been out of production for years as a result. Count Chocula is one vampire that you definitely don’t want to get stuck with at the breakfast table.

61-Inch HDTV Spa 0

Posted on September 19, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

Great for electrocution therapy!

Isn’t it lame that you sometimes have to go as long as minutes at a time without watching TV? You’ve got TVs in every room of your home, in your car, on your iPod, even on your wristwatch. What about your new hot tub? How are you supposed to relax in there when you know that you’ll be missing all your favorite shows? You can’t bring your iPod video in there! It’ll get wet!

Catalina Spas feels your pain, and are prepared with a solution to your separation anxiety: The 61-inch HDTV Spa. Relax with the missus while watching Grey’s Anatomy in all its life-size, overrated glory, as 5,000 jets massage you into a perfect state of TV Viewing compliance.

The 61-inch HDTV Spa is also a great place to hang out with your buddies, soaking up the good life in a state-of-the-art, stainless steel cauldron of relaxo. And don’t worry, sitting in a hot tub with a bunch of dudes isn’t gay if you’re watching football on a freakin’ huge TV!

It’s unclear why someone would want a TV this size in their hot tub, as you’d have to be about 100 yards a way to be at a proper viewing distance. I’m not even sure this thing is safe. Hot, splashy water and TV sets are historically incompatible, so far as I know. But if you’re going to be a show off, you’ve got to go all the way with it. Otherwise, everyone will know that you are both a financial failure and a half-ass nouveau-riche poser. And nothing says, “I go all the way” quite like a 61-inch HDTV Spa.

The 61-inch HDTV Spa is cable ready and comes equipped with a DVD and CD player, an AM/FM tuner and 2 pop-up speakers. WHAT? No Blu-Ray, HD-DVD, PS3, Xbox 360, Sirius satellite radio and wireless iPod transmitter? Maybe on next year’s model. For now, you can not only keep up with the Joneses, but also make them seethe with jealousy by purchasing your very own 61-inch HDTV Spa today. Just be sure to try and peel yourself away from the TV long enough to gloat!

Halo 3 Product Tie-ins 0

Posted on September 18, 2007 by jeremyazevedo

Our guide to the coolest/weirdest Halo 3 marketing gimmicks.

With all the hype surrounding the upcoming release of Halo 3, there’s bound to be a great deal of Halo related merchandise available for the discerning nerd. These products range from the usual action figures and Monopoly tie-ins to the kind of products that only a real fanatic would even consider purchasing.


Master Chief showing off the new Halo 3 “Game Fuel” grenade.

Our online Halo gear guide will fill you in on the whole product line, in order from the least to the most unusual:

#1: Halo 3 Spartan Xbox 360 wireless controller, headset, $59.99 ea.


Looks like someone glued their crappy fan art to your expensive wireless controller.

This is an obvious one. After seeing the chainsaw controller that came out with Resident Evil 4 a couple of years ago, I’d even go so far as to say that this is one of the more reserved Halo 3 tie-ins.

#2 Halo 3 Limited Edition Xbox 360, $399.99


The green paint is totally worth the extra $100, right?

This one makes sense when you consider that there are probably quite a few Xbox users that have been waiting on Halo 3 before buying an Xbox. While almost unprecedented in the console market, the Halo-themed Xbox will almost certainly be a big success for Microsoft.

#3 Halo 3 McFarlane Toys, $14.95 and up, Kubrick Master Chief figure set, $19.99


These will go great with your extensive collection of “Star Wars” Legos, Poindexter.

What’s an action game without action figures to go along with it? You’re mascot is nobody until he/she is immortalized by Todd McFarlane, or as a hipster version of a Lego man by Kubrick toys. As a tribute to his popularity, Master Chief will soon be invading toy stores in representations by both designers. Your Master Chief ‘build-a-bear” is still up to you, though.

#4 Halo 3 Slurpees, Doritos, Energy Drinks, Price varies


This is how much “Gamefuel” it takes to gas up some of the larger nerds.

Want to know what “nerd” tastes like? It’s sort of like citrus, but with cherry and Mountain Dew flavors, Dorito dust, lots of caffeine, and comes in a collectible hologram cup.
#5 Halo Zune, $199.99


Wirelessly trade music with all 12 of your fellow Zune users!

Comes pre-loaded with Halo Trilogy music, artwork and videos. Actually kind of cool if you were going to buy a Zune anyway. It’s like an iPod, but with wireless file sharing and an FM tuner. I still don’t know why these haven’t caught on more.

#6 Halo 3 Legendary Edition with Spartan Mjolnir Mark VI Cat Helmet, $129.99


I can has Halo 3?

This special pre-order version of Halo 3 comes with a replica Spartan Helmet game case, which unfortunately, will not fit your head. It will, however, fit the head of your cat or small dog. You’ll have to make your own cat or chihuahua-size Spartan armor, though.

#7 Halo 3 Missile Pack, $19.99


Which compartments hold your allergy medicine and your retainer?

Here’s where it starts to get weird. For twenty bucks you can be the proud owner of a case that holds your Halo controller, headset and games, and looks like a SPNKr missile pack from Halo 3. Look like an even bigger dork than you already do when you go over to a friend’s house to challenge them face-to-acne-ridden-face.

#8 Halo 3 Master Chief statue, $99.99


For added hilarity, replace gun with miniature can of Game Fuel.

What could possibly geek your apartment up more than a finely crafted Master Chief statue/bookend/paper weight? Check the next entry in this list for the answer…
#9 Life-size Master Chief statute, $500 and up


Makes a handsome companion piece to your life-size Lara Croft statue.

Not content with a desktop-size Master Chief statue? Scare off burglars and potential mates with a life-size Master Chief from some douche on eBay! At about 7 feet tall, these statues make great coat racks, scarecrows, and post-apocalyptic garden centerpieces.

#10 Halo 3 Master Chief Costume, $6,000


Ensure a lifetime of virginity with your own expertly handcrafted Master Chief costume!

Speaking of life-size Master Chiefs, why just look at one when you can be one? If money is no object, entertain your wildest cosplay fantasies by dressing up like the man himself, in your very own set of Spartan armor! The price is a little on the steep side, but you can never be too prepared in the eventuality that aliens actually do invade earth.

Bonus item: 12 foot Halo 3 Diorama


You gonna get raped.

This diorama, constructed by Bungie’s marketing team for a video advertising campaign, will be touring trade shows and even some museums over the course of the coming year. Who says video games aren’t art? Roger Ebert you say? Whatever, his opinion will be forever negated by the one movie he ever actually did make himself, “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls”. Watch that movie after playing Halo 3 and then tell me which one you think is “art”.



↑ Top